Here is another thought for you illbefree. If you want to stay at home, and build up your career, and get some room to breath. Start acting really haughty, just start self promoting as you talk to your parents and those in the congregation. Do some over the top self promoting, in your meeting parts and comments. You'll be yanked from the pedestal faster than you can blink an eye, and there is no way you'd get kicked out of home for doing that, and this will probably afford you some breathing room to make the situation more tolerable.
Knowing the Real Truth about the "truth" when you're stuck inside...
I have managed to be a 'good lil JW' since waking up....
I had major moments like he is feeling and occasionally I come home and still want to beat my head against the wall....
Yes some boys are do or die/sink or swim types but not all......and while I believe failure can teach many things I also value the learned process of planned execution of goals.....
I don't know if you remember that we talked on the phone a while ago. If you ever feel the need to hear a friendly voice, especially if you're contemplating suicide, call me. That being said, my dear, two years is an instant of a lifetime. I know time goes slower when you're young, but just keep telling yourself that it's not forever.
Unfortunately this economy is probably keeping you from finding a full time job that will allow you to buy a car and get a place of your own. Although your choices are limited, you still have a few options. Joining the military is one, but there are a few others that aren't as drastic. Check out AmeriCorps and JobCorps. The first pays a stipend that's equal to minimum wage plus cash or tuition awards after a year of service. You can also attend college while in this program. The second one, I believe provides job training and housing without needing a car.
Leaving everyone and everything behind may be daunting, but aside from escaping the cult, you need to assert your independence. Be proactive now, so you won't be in a desperate situation as in being homeless later. No matter what, when you're feeling down, remember that it won't be like this forever.
Also, I'm pretty sure you told me something on the phone that indicates you may possibly have someone to turn to, but I won't discuss it on a public forum so as not to give details as to your personal situation. Please check your private messages, and in the meantime, check out the links below.
Consider college!!!! Not only will this occupy you more but it will also prepare you for real life that you won't gain from wts' See what scholarships are available to you that may help you with your finances, talk to college counselor about it and about the school loans and/or grants. If you can live in a dorm, that will solve a lot of your problems. You may look at colleges in states that are more reasonable to survive on a loan with lower living costs - that will also solve the jw problem.
If that's the route you take, you will be busy in studies that may keep you away from meetings more(if you stay with your parents), if you need to move out to go to college and stay in a dorm that will solve your meetings problem and will help you find friends and contacts outside of the cult.
As you feel more independent you can find a way to talk to your parents and deal with that when you get there, but at present this is not a right option to take.
If college is not for you, you should look for work which will help you with your skills in an area that you enjoy and that will pay your bills when it's time to move out comes. Don't look for manufacturing jobs but trades or office staff where you can find work in other states and have qualification that will help you find similar jobs.
Don't feel guilty or a hypocrite just because you grew up in a cult, do something to get yourself better prepared to move out and to face a possible world without every dub you know in the worst case scenario. Don't DA yourself at this point as it's of no benefit to you at present.
Just some food for thought:
Non-JW life often requires the same acting skills that you could be working on now, by playing the "role" of a faithful JW.
My exit was via the military (USAF), and even there you learn that you are free to have your own beliefs but you CANNOT let them interfere with "the mission". The context was racial predjudice, and I will always remember my drill instructor telling us that you could be a Neo-Nazi racist (he was Black) and that was fine with the military, just as long as it didn't interfere with your duty! Unlike JWs, most of society doesn't care what you believe as much as what you DO.
As a doctor, i have go put on my "game face", and fulfill expectations of my role: in fact, im cheating my patients if I don't! It is totally unprofessional to bring my biases with me to the clinic, as that's not why they come to me; it's not about MY ego, but the needs of the patient.
So back to you, my point is you mentioned feeling guilt for being a hypocrit: why? That's JW baggage you carry without even realizing it. Defo plan an exit strategy, but don't accept their definitions of ANYTHING, as it may not be relevant to you living your life....
You seem like a smart kid; you'll figure it out. Nobody said life was handed to you on a silver platter, and if you're like me, you probably wouldn't want to do it the "easy" way....
The first one is I stay stuck inside, keep faking and lying, pretending and smiling through my teeth at everyone while I die slowly inside. At the same time work my ass off, buy my own car, get my own place and move out on my own, and do the gradual fade I've talked about in the past.
Shesssh!! Go and enlist in the military, stop acting like a wimp. Go to a recruiter and take the test- get qualified for a really good specialty- one that gives you training for a great job later on the outside- You can't have a car anyway in the beginning- save up your money- you get 30 days paid leave a year- take action- Do you want to be a doormat for your parents for another 10 years? You might want to get your own post office box, before you start this process- just so some surprise mail doesn't show up at your house, before you are ready to leave for basic training.
The important thing is to make sure the duty posting for that specialty is someplace you like- probably not an airbase in North Dakota.
You have the power in your hands to get out on your own in just a few months- get moving.
OneDayillBeFree....you have a PM
Yeah, I'd say to stay away from the Marine Corp, unless you're really gung-ho: those guys are hard-core. Same with the Army, unless you really want to go that route.
Defo consider Air Force, or maybe Navy: more technical training involved, more travel to non-combat locations (i.e. support of operations elsewhere) and hence less likely you'll be carrying a firearm. I had a guaranteed career field before I entered (a military band, believe it or not: I had to audition first before I signed up, but had been playing and gigging for awhile before), and some get a guaranteed base of first assignment (I did). You have to take ASVAB (a career aptitude test), and if you do well, you can have your pick of career field (I nailed it, and was told I could pick any career field, but I stuck with the band, thank you very much....). I saved up $$$ for the 4 yrs I was in (enlisted), and made a smooth transition to civie life afterwards.
BTW, don't make things harder on yourself by confessing to things that cannot be proven, eg many applicants admit to stuff like marijuana use, or things like considering suicide. You'd be nuts to use drugs once in the military, as they conduct random pee-tests. But few kids haven't tried, and maybe that's one where being a JW pays off: you probably HAVEN'T tried it, and hence can honestly deny it.
I had childhood asthma, which I confessed to (not uncommon), but generally speaking the less you tell them, the better. I'm not saying to lie, but do what you have to do (wink, wink, which is what many recruiters will surreptitiously tell you, too).