Knowing the Real Truth about the "truth" when you're stuck inside...

by OneDayillBeFree 70 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Sheep2slaughter

    Please do not hurt yourself. Ever. I have been there emotionally too before. I have lost 2 friends that way...both were witnesses and one was a young stud elder. Reason I mention that is because we cannot allow our thinking to go too far down that route.

    I am in complete agreement with what OnTheWayOut said earlier in this thread. Become proactive and start to minimalize your witness activity. Plans of the diligent one, ya know. "Its impossible to hit a goal you don't have."

    I had a friend a few years ago that rented a room in an old Victorian house that was split up into like 10 apartments. He just had a hot plate to cook on and a community bathroom. It was ghetto at his place. Folding chairs, a couch, a fridge and a tv. This was a grown man about 25 at the time. I tell you what tho...hanging out over there, even when I would stay the night and sleep on the floor cuz he slept on the couch, was some good times. We trusted and loved each other. I was relaxed there. I didn't care what he had. It was clean and dry and with good company. Point of that story was, you don't have to have a lot to be satisfied and happy. It doesn't have to cost a lot either.

    Figure out what is the cheapest you can live and be realistic about it. Look for residence in walking distance to work and school. Buy a bike and ride to places. Public transport. Just start making strides. Make your own luck and future.

  • OneDayillBeFree

    Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice and support! It really means a lot to me. And your comments have actually motivated me!

    My suicidal thoughts have gone away now and I am extremely thankful for that.

    Now, I am working now on short term goals that I can actually do the next day or over a couple of days so that I and others can see that there is a change going on. Like someone posted above, its time to act.

    Some of you who have read my past posts asked about my mother who unlike my dad had told me that I should go to college. Well that was some time ago and as soon as I had all the paper work in order and ready to go, my father found out and forced me not to go. Said it was not only a waste of money but also a waste of time since we are living as he says in "the last days of the last days". He said that he had noticed for some time that I had lost my zeal in the ministry and that going to college would be like rejecting Jehovah's org (his reaction was based part on how another older brother in well standing had gone to college and then suddenly went inactive and dissappeard, so the CO had many talks on the dangers of higher edu). It really angered me but I just took. And after that my dad spoke to my mom about it in private and sadly, she returned to her JW state of mind and agreed with everything my dad had said.

    I even asked her about it some time after because I wondered if she had any hope, but she said she couldnt talk to me about it anymore, and that I should focus more on studying for the meetings, praying more, preaching more, and participating more.

    The thing is, even though I havent really seen the military or the navy as an option, I really do want to go to college. I have been slacking off "spiritually" for some time now, to the point where the CO couldnt find any reason at all for why I should become a MS (to put it in perspective, we have 8 elders, and only 2 MS so they are desperately looking for more MS). He said I wasnt making my time anymore and the elders have noticed that I rarely comment anymore. I leave almost as soon as the meeting is done and avoid any contact with the elders and that I only go out on saturday mornings for field service just to show my face but thats about it.

    Another thing I wanted to say is that at this sunday's meeting, I will be talking to the elders to tell them that "due to personal issues" I can no longer serve as a Regular Pioneer. The issues being me not having enough time from work and also the fact that I will go to college whether they want me to or not. (I will be using this October's Awake! Mag to show them that there is nothing wrong with seeking higher education from the GB mouth themselves).

    I also found out that our congregation will be splitting in a couple of months and I will be moving to different congregation entirely. Already got approval from my mother and thats all the approval I need.

    But still, wish me luck.

    I had another argument with my dad today about pioneering. He wanted to know why my hours had dropped so much. I believe there was one month that I didnt even turn in my time slip and was marked for that. I told him that I was just tired of having to preach "only to get the hours in" and that I felt like it was more like a business than a life saving work when done this way. I said that before becoming a RP I would do around 10-20 hrs a month but I felt completely happy and that it came out of my heart. My mother was also present and she simpathized with me saying that it was true, (she's also a regular pioneer) but I just couldnt seem to reason with my dad.

    So then he said that I was just looking for an excuse to be lazy and not do anything and that I was slipping into satan's world and that I was not following the guidance of the faithful and discreet slave. So finally, I used my last resort. My secret weapon. The bible itself.

    I said "Dad, I don't remember Jesus ever sending his 12 disciples out door to door so that they could get their time in before the month ended! Nor do I remember ever reading the passage about Jesus turning in his time slip at all. If I have missed that part of the scripture then please show me now and then I'll gladly continue in the pioneering work."

    It left his speechless.

    I walked away trying to hide a slight grin.

    So that felt good.

    But anyways I think that many brothers at the hall have a mixed feeling about me. They don't know whether I'm a good example anymore or if I'm still that star brother who is just depressed.

    Others were wondering about my job where I had gone to christmas party. Well, I lost that job due to the convention last year, and since then I found another job that pays way less but more hours. It's actually quite nice as it's a great excuse for missing service for now and meetings later.

    Some of you who also asked about my best friend who I had liked but had been brainwashed by her trip to bethel leading to her baptism. Well, she's still around and she deeply regrets having gotten baptized. She says she's sorry for not listening to me. But she's got her own family troubles of her own and even though we're still friends, we both have jobs now and barely see each other. She still tells me that she'll still talk to me and hang out with me if I ever get DF'd or DA'd and this time I said the same to her. But that's about as far as that relationship has gone. For now.

    I was talking to an older brother today who lives alone and is looking for a roomate, and we got to talking. We discussed rent, bills and things like that. He's really laid back and even though I wouldnt be on my own, it's a move in the right direction I believe.

    The last thing I did today was schedule a meeting with a guidance counselor for college. I'll be attending a communtiy college (finally) at first but my plan is to move on to a university when possible.

    Again, thank you for your imput and for being here. With careful planning I now know that I can get out. You guys really turned up my spirits and gave me lots of positive energy. I've been happy all day. I will make a post on sunday to let you all know how that meeting with the elders goes.

  • King Solomon
    King Solomon

    Great news!

    Yeah, your Dad sounds like he was programmed just as JW elders were back in 1960s. You think they'd update the software occasionally! ;)

    I did the military, only because I really wanted to do it all on my own financially, and that gave me time to decide what I wanted to do. I think it's good, as when you're spending you own saved cash (vs parents or student loans) you're a little more focused. But everyone's different.

    Alot of people turn their noses up at JCs, but I still think the best professors I've ever had (went to Cal Poly for BS, and Cal for doctorate) were at the JC level (I got an AA from JC and transferred). Why? The professors wanted to be there, and loved to teach (at Cal, the professors had to publish papers as well as lecture, so they tended to over-rely on grad students to teach the labs so they could do research).

    What are you thinking of as your major?

  • moshe

    How important is honesty to you?

    Your plan requires years of planned deception and obsequious obediance to your parents in order to work.

    I see you are big into staying inside your comfort zone. The plan you have of going to college all hinges on being able to stay at home (room and board are free I assume) and come up with the tuition money. Your father has already expressed his opposition to college before. You don't own a car. All your plans can unhinge in an instant, if you slip up and betray your true feelings to your father. It seems dishonest, IMO, to accept material benefits from your family by lying to them about how you feel about the WT religion.

    It costs you nothing to go to the military recruiter and take the tests- get qualified- examine your options and find out what a career offers you. You can accomplish your goals and do it under your own steam and with integrity, without being under you parents domination for the next 8 years, and do it honestly,- you would become an independent adult in short order by joining the military. It's time to cut the umbilical cord and grow up.

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    I have been in your shoes too & I feel for you! I am glad your suicidal thoughts have passed & you are focused on small goals (that is very smart, this is a stressful process and you need to focus on one thing at a time). I also made a plan that took a few months, although I did move out on my own 3 years prior to my actual exit (I wanted to leave back then but was too scared to leap into the unknown). Your hall is splitting, could it be possible to move to the opposite hall of your parents, in order to help the other hall "spiritually" (wink, wink)?? That would get you out of the watchful eye of your folks, or even say you want to learn sign language or spanish and join a foreign speaking hall? This has worked for many faders since your family will think you are uber spiritual and the foreign speaking bros & sis are too busy to notice if you are really making spiritual "progress" or not.

    I had a lucky break when my family was having some major health issues which distracted their minds and allowed me to start making friends on the outside by visiting my local coffee shop.

    I think anything you can do to try to distance yourself will help. (you are on their radar now...they are watching your behavior). Be patient, armageddon is NOT comming any time soon and you have a long life ahead of you.

    I started college after my exit, and I am financing the whole thing on student loans to pay back later. You can start research now on scholarship programs, and college admission requirements, FAFSA, you can do this without your parents help. If you are under 18 you can research emancipation, but if you are close to being of legal age...just hang tight until you are 18.

    That is my two cents, I identify with your frustration and anguish, it does seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel..but you will get there!


  • King Solomon
    King Solomon

    Moshe said:

    You can accomplish your goals and do it under your own steam and with integrity, without being under you parents domination for the next 8 years, and do it honestly,- you would become an independent adult in short order by joining the military. It's time to cut the umbilical cord and grow up.

    I followed that path, even though I had a "Worldly" father who would've helped support college.

    In my case, though, I wasn't sure what direction I wanted to go with my life (I spent a few years at a JC studying music, but knew I didn't want to get a music degree: it's pointless, unless you want to teach high school band). So I spent a few years in the military living in Europe (I was in the band, and we travelled 2 wks out of the month on the road: anywhere from Norway to Greece, and all points in-between). When I got out, I had a much better handle of where I wanted to go in life, and had a GI bill.... I re-entered JC at 25 in a different major (studied electronics, but changed to biology after I decided the girls in biology program were WAY cuter than the engineering chicks, LOL). I didn't start my career until my mid-30's (and with many student loans to pay back, at that!).

    Sure, you can look at your contemporaries who graduated high school at 18, got a bachelor's degree at 22, entered their career, etc. but that's reflecting on what MAY have been, not what IS. Pretty pointless thing to do, unless you just enjoy beating yourself up over what never was. The fact is, you weren't even "in the game" on a college prep track due to the limited thinking of your parents: the fact you're even CONSIDERING this now is admirable, and to your credit.

    Besides, it's good to remember there's always someone who overcame greater adversity and lack of parental support: I saw a news story of a girl who's parents abandoned her due to their meth addiction, and she was homeless. She's now going to Harvard, after finishing high school (with the help of her community). But she maintained focus, which is incredibly hard to do, concentrating on studies when there's so much turmoil in her life....

  • Giordano

    Moshe, this kid wasn't and isn't being given a chance to make his own decisions.

    Lets talk about dishonest. He wasn't asked to be a JW he was told to be one. He's been put into this situation by an elder step father who needs his stepson to perform so he can remain an elder. So if he needs some wiggle room and wants to take it one step at a time so be it. If he's living at home and going to school his parents will have reluctantly given permission and hopfully some financal support. If they throw him out he'll need to have his fall back position.

    At this point in his life he doesn't need to leave one high control group for another......... the military. A couple of years from now especially with some college the military might be the next logic choice but better yet more education.

  • jgnat

    BeFree, I surely appreciate your update. I wanted to give you encouragement, and it worked!

    It helps so much to have a cheering section. Go on and conquer, young man!

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    I have a half brother who is making a career in the Coast Guard - it's a good option for the military that rarely sees any actual combat and wouldn't get posted overseas.

  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle

    ODIBF- It's wonderful you started the ball rolling. Continue to follow through with your plans.

    Please remember that there will be high's and lows in the process. Try to stay positive and move forward to achieve your goals.

    And if you ever have an inkling of discouragement you must reach out for help.

    Please don't ever allow yourself to suffer through your pain alone.

    Now, get started on your life!!!

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