Hey guys, thanks so much for all the advice and support! It really means a lot to me. And your comments have actually motivated me!
My suicidal thoughts have gone away now and I am extremely thankful for that.
Now, I am working now on short term goals that I can actually do the next day or over a couple of days so that I and others can see that there is a change going on. Like someone posted above, its time to act.
Some of you who have read my past posts asked about my mother who unlike my dad had told me that I should go to college. Well that was some time ago and as soon as I had all the paper work in order and ready to go, my father found out and forced me not to go. Said it was not only a waste of money but also a waste of time since we are living as he says in "the last days of the last days". He said that he had noticed for some time that I had lost my zeal in the ministry and that going to college would be like rejecting Jehovah's org (his reaction was based part on how another older brother in well standing had gone to college and then suddenly went inactive and dissappeard, so the CO had many talks on the dangers of higher edu). It really angered me but I just took. And after that my dad spoke to my mom about it in private and sadly, she returned to her JW state of mind and agreed with everything my dad had said.
I even asked her about it some time after because I wondered if she had any hope, but she said she couldnt talk to me about it anymore, and that I should focus more on studying for the meetings, praying more, preaching more, and participating more.
The thing is, even though I havent really seen the military or the navy as an option, I really do want to go to college. I have been slacking off "spiritually" for some time now, to the point where the CO couldnt find any reason at all for why I should become a MS (to put it in perspective, we have 8 elders, and only 2 MS so they are desperately looking for more MS). He said I wasnt making my time anymore and the elders have noticed that I rarely comment anymore. I leave almost as soon as the meeting is done and avoid any contact with the elders and that I only go out on saturday mornings for field service just to show my face but thats about it.
Another thing I wanted to say is that at this sunday's meeting, I will be talking to the elders to tell them that "due to personal issues" I can no longer serve as a Regular Pioneer. The issues being me not having enough time from work and also the fact that I will go to college whether they want me to or not. (I will be using this October's Awake! Mag to show them that there is nothing wrong with seeking higher education from the GB mouth themselves).
I also found out that our congregation will be splitting in a couple of months and I will be moving to different congregation entirely. Already got approval from my mother and thats all the approval I need.
But still, wish me luck.
I had another argument with my dad today about pioneering. He wanted to know why my hours had dropped so much. I believe there was one month that I didnt even turn in my time slip and was marked for that. I told him that I was just tired of having to preach "only to get the hours in" and that I felt like it was more like a business than a life saving work when done this way. I said that before becoming a RP I would do around 10-20 hrs a month but I felt completely happy and that it came out of my heart. My mother was also present and she simpathized with me saying that it was true, (she's also a regular pioneer) but I just couldnt seem to reason with my dad.
So then he said that I was just looking for an excuse to be lazy and not do anything and that I was slipping into satan's world and that I was not following the guidance of the faithful and discreet slave. So finally, I used my last resort. My secret weapon. The bible itself.
I said "Dad, I don't remember Jesus ever sending his 12 disciples out door to door so that they could get their time in before the month ended! Nor do I remember ever reading the passage about Jesus turning in his time slip at all. If I have missed that part of the scripture then please show me now and then I'll gladly continue in the pioneering work."
It left his speechless.
I walked away trying to hide a slight grin.
So that felt good.
But anyways I think that many brothers at the hall have a mixed feeling about me. They don't know whether I'm a good example anymore or if I'm still that star brother who is just depressed.
Others were wondering about my job where I had gone to christmas party. Well, I lost that job due to the convention last year, and since then I found another job that pays way less but more hours. It's actually quite nice as it's a great excuse for missing service for now and meetings later.
Some of you who also asked about my best friend who I had liked but had been brainwashed by her trip to bethel leading to her baptism. Well, she's still around and she deeply regrets having gotten baptized. She says she's sorry for not listening to me. But she's got her own family troubles of her own and even though we're still friends, we both have jobs now and barely see each other. She still tells me that she'll still talk to me and hang out with me if I ever get DF'd or DA'd and this time I said the same to her. But that's about as far as that relationship has gone. For now.
I was talking to an older brother today who lives alone and is looking for a roomate, and we got to talking. We discussed rent, bills and things like that. He's really laid back and even though I wouldnt be on my own, it's a move in the right direction I believe.
The last thing I did today was schedule a meeting with a guidance counselor for college. I'll be attending a communtiy college (finally) at first but my plan is to move on to a university when possible.
Again, thank you for your imput and for being here. With careful planning I now know that I can get out. You guys really turned up my spirits and gave me lots of positive energy. I've been happy all day. I will make a post on sunday to let you all know how that meeting with the elders goes.