by Chemical Emotions 52 Replies latest jw friends
I have had many issues with self-esteem, much of it caused by the involvement with the JWs, and much of it for the stupid things I've done trying to cope with the devastation that I felt when I learned that I had been lied to all of my life.
I am trying to work on it now, and have been for about a year. It takes a long time to recover, and I have a long way to go, but I am confident I will get to a happy place. And I know that you can too!
ChemicalEmotions:
Now, at this point in my life as a mature adult, I have good self-esteem. When I was growing up (not a JW), I had insecurity in the beginning of puberty because of physical awkward stage we all go through and because of taunting in school because of bullies (who probably had VERY low self-esteem themselves). Anyway, after that awkward stage was over I felt better about myself. However, my home life was not so harmonious and I had issues.
Several years down the road when I joined the JW religion as a young adult my self-esteem was at an acceptable level and not too low or too high. However, in one of my rude awakenings, I realized the religion was HELL bent on lowering my self-esteem or self-worth. I realized it was because I was a single woman and also because I had a decent job and supported myself. It was then I realized they had serious issues about women and anybody with a healthy dose of self-regard. They don't like this as they want abject doormats who will tolerate anything.
All in all, my experience was that the religion was very bad for my emotional well-being. However, I am an eleven year fader and this is all a lesson learned. Good riddance.
Reestablishing the normal healthy boundaries violated by a cult would seem to be a neccessary part of healing.
@v665: That's an interesting concept, "self kindness" instead of self esteem. I like that.
I do. I believe everybody does. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
I had pretty low self-esteem as a child. From 10-15, when most kids would doodle on paper, I would write things such as "I hate myself", "Nobody likes me", "I have no friends", "I'm ugly", "I hate my face", and yes, "I should just die." In 7th grade art class, an assignment was to take a mirror and draw a self-portrait. I drew a withered old man. I was absolutely tormented as a JW in school. My parents taught me violence was wrong, even in self-defense, and I was beaten up on many occasions. You know the saying, eat dirt? Well I was forced to eat dirt on a few occasions. And to kiss shoes, and other demeaning things. That went against my true personality, and I developed very passive-aggressive behavior because of it. In my mind, I was fighting back, with non-physical, yet negative, obstructionist actions which ultimately led to me getting beat up more, which I couldn't respond to physically, which fed the passive-aggressive mindset even more.
Very bad downward spiral. I ruined the first couple of relationships I had with girls (with some outside help) because of low self-esteem and passive-aggressiveness.
It took me several years out of the organization to change it all around. Even then, I still have to work on it because of all the conditioning I had as a child that I wasn't good enough to amount to anything on my own. One of the high points for me of the last few years was going to my 10 year high school reunion. As is typical, there is a vote on a few things, and I was voted "most changed since graduation". And believe me, that was a good thing.
It is amazing what a confident attitude, and a little work in your physical appearance will do for you. Women gave me that "Wow" look, and several of the guys who had tormented me actually apologized and said they'd never f@ck with me now. I'm finally to the point where I have a no nonsense attitude, don't take shit from people anymore and will call their bluff when they're trying to lay bullshit on me. I will back it up with whatever it requires. Honesty and standing up for what you believe in are good things, and if you can take that away as a former JW, then add self-esteem, confidence, and some physical presence, people will recognize it and respect you for it.
But it's not easy. The first step is realizing that all those assholes aren't any better than you.
Always had a problem with self worth. Since breaking free it has improved dramatically but it's still a struggle.
On a scale of 1 to You i always rated myself low 1. What else were we expected to feel? Yes Christians dont celebrate birthdays Yahde yahde but to a little child that equates to everyone else in class is special and has a birthday while I (jw) just feel dejected and distant and sub conciously felt of little or low worth. My mind doctor asked me once to express my whole childhood in one word and it took a fraction of a second to reply "Ambivalence" Explains some things.....hmmm.
Az
The cult wraps your sense of self-worth into your relationship with the "org". It is similar to an abusive spouse that makes you only believe you are worthy when you are making them happy.
It tends to make people very co-dependent which means our happiness begins to rest on the actions, decisions, and words of others. It's hard to imagine but that is not normal or healthy.
Co-dependent no more is a good book on the issue. Feel free to get counseling or coaching from someone that has a good grasp of co-depency issues. You will see some great results is you are honest with yourself.
I wanted to comment on this thread but noone will care to read it.
Rub a Dub
