Wife is on that yellow brick road to the WT.

by trailerfitter 47 Replies latest jw experiences

  • sizemik

    Hi trailerfitter . . . welcome aboard.

    It's a shame it's been 12 months since she began indoctrination . . . the longer that process, the harder the job becomes. If she's going out in the "service" and looking at baptism . . . she's probably in the toughest spot to shift her from right now. Long-serving JW's can become disillusioned and begin to question, and are sometimes easier to reach than new converts . . . many here have spent several decades in the cult. All she has experienced thus far is the positive . . . the thrilling promises of a brave new world . . . and lot's of attention. It's all been very pleasant for her . . . the real problems surface after a time. The indoctrination process is very powerful once someone has yeilded to it.

    All of the above advice is good, especially this . . . you can't take an adversarial or opposing position successfully . . . any questioning of doctrine or pointing to the failures of the Watchtower Society will be percieved as an attack on her faith and strongly resisted. More than that . . . it will confirm to her she has found "the truth", because JW's are taught to expect opposition from friends and family.

    The best advice is to take your time for now and get schooled up . . . Steve Hassans books are a must. "Combatting Cult Mind-Control" and "Releasing the Bonds" . . . start with them and come back with any questions when you have.

  • trailerfitter

    Note to Carla...Yes we do have children. One of 6 years old and one at 18. I have already looked into this. The UK has a ruling where children cannot be deined blood at all by a parent. That is the policy in all hospitals. However adults can choose. I have told her that under no circumstances is she to take the children abroad. Especially CSI countries without me. Before she was on that brick road we were witness to her sisters refusal to give blood to her husband who nearly died after a motorcycle accident. It was my mother in law who interviened and saved his life. He is also not a JW.

    Now here is something to note. My wife actually works in the hospital but only as auxillary staff. She argued with me the blood case and the fact it is not all checked by hospitals so could be infected. This is wrong all blood is screened and I have asked a doctor friend of ours and also the department in the hospital itself. No arguement there. Yes I will protect myself and will check out the law on this one.

    I have got to say thanks again and it is good to communicate with folk who understand this issue. Also glad that I am not the only person who is suffering the WT effect. I find it offensive that some members say they are the most hate religion. Perhaps they are, and there is no wondering why.

  • outsmartthesystem

    For the love of God.....do not go overboard by making her life difficult. If you are an unbelieving mate who is cool-headed....she will think she can "win you over" and may talk to you and listen to you. If you are obstinate and try to stop her (esp by pulling the "I'm head of the house" card), she and the rest of the JWs will think it is Satan trying to stop her. You will not win that battle. She is taught that if it gets to that point....if she feels that her "spiritual welfare" is endangered, then she must choose between you and "serving God". Guess which one she'll choose? And don't, please don't be hurt or angry about it. Your wife is a victim. They've indoctrinated her mind to think like that.

    If your wife will allow it, I would suggest calmly sitting down with her and reading/discussing Releasing the Bonds. It is not an attack on her faith.....and as a father and husband you can warmly tell her that you're concerned and you want to help her make sure she is making the right decision. For me....this approach did not work. (but it has worked well for others). My wife is very touchy when it comes to the subject of cults. She gets LIVID if anyone accuses her of being associated with a cult. And do NOT try to get her to read any "apostate" literature. What I did....is read the "apostate" literature myself and then glean all the main points from it.

    I read "Captives of a Concept". Great book about the history of JW's and how it relates to the reality of what they truly teach. I am now in the beginning stages of discussing these points with my wife. She has agreed to help me "understand" why God "chose" the witnesses as the one true religion back in 1919. This is the opportunity I need. Not to bombard her with reasoning and organizational blunders.....but to get HER to do the research and to get HER to see what was being taught back then and how it relates to their claims today. This is a very important book

    I don't know if it will work.....but it is sure better than attacking her faith......trying to "impede" her progress or debating doctrine.

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Sizemik makes the point I was thinking. You're way too late in trying to derail this train. It is going to be so much harder today than it would have been a year ago.

    But the advice here has been good so far, and when Black Sheep gets back on with his advice, I can promise you it will be good (I've been here almost two years now and can't recall disagreeing with him yet).

    Good luck!

  • HB

    Hi Trailer Fitter.

    I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago. I also have never been a JW.

    A friend of mine was in a very similar position to your wife’s a few years ago. She was at the point of baptism. But an ex-JW friend of mine helped me, step by step, to try to avert her accepting the JW religion. My friend didn’t promise any results, but we went to work on her.

    I won’t go into all the details now, but just to say that it all ended up for the better and we managed to get my friend out of the JWs for good.

    What part of the UK are you from? Might help to chat in person. Will send you a PM, if you wish, with my details on it if you would like to contact me. If not, I wish you the best.


  • clarity

    Wow so many friends to the rescue.


    Memorize this........

    {She has agreed to help me "understand" why God "chose" the witnesses as the one true religion back in 1919. This is the opportunity I need. Not to bombard her with reasoning and organizational blunders.....but to get HER to do the research and to get HER to see what was being taught back then and how it relates to their claims today. }



  • NewChapter

    Every meeting must be an argument, every study must be an unplesant experience. She asks for permission to go in field service? Deny it. You are the "spiritual head" of the household in the JW parlance: assert it. Refuse to allow JW literature in your home, refuse to allow JWs to study. In short, be an ass. Message: JWs make for trouble in her home

    NO NO NO. Please don't take this route. First--yes you are the head of the household, but NOT the spiritual head of house because you are still in "satan's grasp". A wife DOES NOT have to follow your lead if you try to impede her duty to her new god. If you do this, she will receive special attention from everyone in the congregation and encouragement from the elders and commendation for being so strong. She will tell about her persecution in the car groups and after meetings and they will all cluck around her. She will amp up her efforts to prove she is a good wife and she will pray even more intensively that you will convert. She will already be looking for opportunities to subtlely witness to you and opposing her will only make her try harder. She will listen to endless stories about spouses that opposed and were even abusive, but the believing mate clung to Jehovah--and guess what! The unbelieving spouse is now serving shoulder to shoulder! UGH it's disgusting.

    She will hear these stories at assemblies and conventions and people will clap with tears in their eyes. Now let ME tell you a story.

    I knew a woman whose husband did everything to keep her from meetings. He would fight with her. He'd hide her books. He'd block her car in the driveway. She would become determined and find ways around all the obstacles. Oh what an example of faith she was! Then one day he didn't object, and he gave her the keys to the car. Know what. She stayed home. No one understood. The sheep walked around puzzled. Without the fight her guard was down.

    If you strongly oppose her she will see it as proof that satan is trying to pull her away from god. Witnesses do well under persecution. It validates them. They need resistance to work against. Pull on the rope and they pull back. Release it and they tumble over.

    In the soviet union, witnesses were persecuted endlessly. They grew strong and gripped thier faith with white knuckles. Then the walls came down. The freedom they gained gave them so many more options. They started falling away! Yeah---freedom not oppression-- is what tripped them up.

    If you want to keep her from meetings, try doing it innocently. Plan a trip or an outing. Invite friends or family for visits. Get excited about it, so that she'll feel guilty choosing meeting over you. She WILL choose meeting over you, but just act hurt and disappointed. Let her know it won't mean as much without her. When she does choose you over meeting, perhaps you could let her witness a bit. This will make you want to puke, but be nice. Then she will feel like she missed the meeting for a good cause! Don't challenge doctrine. Learn to ask critical questions and force her to answer it completely. If she goes off to research or to ask someone to help her answer, let us know. We can help you. We can predict what the answer will be and offer you counter questions. Keep her questioning through you.

    When meeting nights come be especially loving. Perhaps pop in a movie and snuggle up with her. Make her extremely comfortable on meeting nights so it's hard to leave. Be waiting for her so she feels like she missed a really nice night. One of the hardest things for me was when my husband would settle in for a relaxing evening and I'd have to get up and leave without him. Sometimes it all looked so nice I would just stay home.

    I'm sorry you are in this situation. She will start to experience new anxieties. When this happens you could wonder why. Don't say "before you were a witness, you never worried about such things". Instead you could say, "You never used to worry about these things. What changed?"

    Keep posting. Lot's of information here.


  • cantleave

    Read Don Cameron's book CAptives of a Concept. He uses the Watchtower's own literature to show that they could never have been chosen in 1919, as God's channel of communication. Once you show that the charade breaks down.

    This is not a benign religion, it is toxic and destructive. I feel for you.

    You have a PM

  • Franklin Massey
    Franklin Massey

    Welcome to the forum. I agree with the advice of posters who say that you should keep your cool and always take the high road. If you do have legitimate concerns, find a way to express them in a loving, caring way. Keep your statements and questions simple. Don't pile on too much at once or none of it will ever sink in.

    Until recently, I served as an elder in a JW congregation. We had several JW wives with unbelieving mates. I regret dispensing the counsel I'm about to mention but I, like many JWs, thought I was doing the right thing. Here was the general procedure:

    If an unbelieving husband was peaceful, moral and did not try to prevent the sister from attending to her JW duties, then he was viewed as a friend and a potential convert. Occasionally, one of the elders may offer him a Bible study. In some instances, he would be invited to share in JW recreation like a picnic, dinner or other social outing. The sister would be constantly reminded that the husband may be "won without a word," as is mentioned at first Peter 3:1. We would point to the example of a sister in the congregation who followed this advice and eventually, helped to convert her husband.

    If an unbelieving husband showed resistance to his wife's association with JWs, then a different approach was taken. He would not receive the special invites and enjoy the camaraderie that is extended to an unbelieving but non-opposing husband. He may get a slightly more formal visit from the JW elders from time to time. But an "opposing" mate is dealt with very carefully so as not to start any fires in the household. The wife would be encouraged to be submissive and respectful but to draw the line when it came to the opposition interfering with her worship to Jehovah (which is, by definition, her participation in JW activities). This would be labeled as one of Satan's tricks. We would also read Mark 13:12 where Jesus said that our own families may try to come between us and our faith. Then, we would point to an example of a faithful sister who has continued serving with the JWs for years, despite the pressures from here unbelieving husband.

    Now I ask you, which type of "unbelieving mate" stands the best chance of maintaining a happy marriage? Which one has the best opportunity to get JWs to examine their beliefs?

    You'll need patience no matter what course you take. Things may not turn out the way you hope. Lower your outcome expectations and focus on being the best husband you can.

    There is another thing to consider and I'm only saying this to be fair to those feel they really need the JW religion to survive. Each person has their own level of personal spiritual needs. Could this course actually be a good thing for your wife? Is there anything you can learn from JWs? I'm not making any recommendations with these questions. I'm just saying that they deserve to be considered.

  • james_woods

    I just wanted to say good luck with this.

    Also wanted to observe that in my opinion, these kind of threads are the saddest ones we see here on JWN.

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