Need Opinions -- Engaged to a JW!!

by junebug_11 100 Replies latest social relationships

  • junebug_11

    Ok, quick run down of my situation.

    1. I am not religious. My now-fiance was raised JW but left the religion about 10 years ago.

    2. We started dating last March, I got pregnant within two weeks. He told me that he would only go back to the religion if "something really big happened" (which I read as "never").

    3. Our baby was born this past December, he had severe birth issues, almost died, etc. He decided that he was going to go back to the religion.

    4. That is fine with me, until he decides that we're not having sex until we get married (supposedly June 30, 2012).

    It is now about a year to our supposed wedding, and I am filled with many, many doubts. I love any and all holidays for the food/family aspect, whereas he will kind of cooperate but it's always a struggle. If our son needs a blood transfusion, I will do so without hesitation. I have absolutely NO intention of coverting to JW, however I do attend meetings with him occasionally, and let him take our son to meetings sometimes as well (as a sign of support). His congregation and family seem to like me enough, but I'm curious how/if that'll change if and when we get married.

    So basically..... does anyone have any advice? Do you think that we can we make it work? Is anyone else in a similar situation?

    The fact that we have a kid throws a huge monkey wrench into the whole parents are still together and I always wanted that kind of stable home life for any children I may have :(

    I love my fiance, but I have a lot of doubts as to if we'll make it for the long haul :(

  • snowbird

    Welcome to the forum, June Bug.

    Sorry to hear about the baby's birth issues, but glad to know that you will allow a transfusion, should he need it.

    As for your other questions and doubts, hang on, some other posters will be along to break it down for you.


  • sizemik

    Hi June Bug and welcome . . .

    You've come to the right place. I am not the best one to tell you how to approach your situation, but do know this much . . .

    Yes, things will probably change once you're married. It's not impossible to make it work . . . but extremely difficult. If you were my daughter I would very strongly encourage you not to marry this man while he remains a JW. This religion by it's very nature makes "mixed" marriage a living hell. Getting him to drop the religion however is almost as difficult. You will need to become familiar with this site and other sources as well in order to approach this, using a strategy with any chance of success. Even then, because he has gone back once . . . there will always remain that possibility.

    But as Syl said . . . others will offer advice also, and help you build a realistic picture of where your at. Take your time and become informed before you try anything.

    All the best to you.

  • still thinking
    still thinking

    Welcome June Bug...I can't offer you any useful advise but I would say that he obvously had strong reasons for leaving in the first place...maybe he needs to be reminded what they were. Time has a way of making things seem better, there is a lot of info on here to support his doubts, try the search engine on UN involvement etc that might jog the memory. Good luck.

    As snowbird said...I'm sure others here will have some good, well tested advice...

  • jwfacts

    Welcome. That is a beautiful family photo.

    Before you get married you should have the hard conversations about the religion. You may uncover a different side to him.

    Find out what his thoughts will be if you admit you think he is in an damaging religion. How will he react if you choose to let the child celebrate birthdays? How about if you do not want the child indoctrinated and refuse to let him go to meetings until he is 16?

    Research the religion for the sake of your child. Do you really want your child brought up that way.

    Also talk to you fiancee about how he will view you if you do not convert. Does he feel you will die at Armageddon? Are you an embarrassment? If you go to a few more meetings you will notice how people that marry unbelieving partners are looked down upon, and you will be described as a burden that is holding him back in the congregation.

    There is a lot of good information on the internet about the Watchtower and also about how to help people leave a cult. If you are not able to get him to leave you will have a difficult marriage.

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    Will he read anything on this site? Will he read anything negative about the religion? Will he read / think at all? If yes to any of those then you have hope. If not then it will be a struggle to get him to think for himself.

    Why did he leave it in the 1st place?

    Welcome to the board but sorry for your situation.

  • Pams girl
    Pams girl

    Hi and welcome to the forum. I feel really sorry for you because if he is determined the go back to the JWs, he will always put them first, not you, married or not. Keep talking to each other, and be honest with him. You look like a lovely little family, I wish you all the best!

  • pedal power
    pedal power

    Hi, and welcome to the forum,Im also in UK,Just 4 months ago, I was in a very similar posistion to your man, using exactly the same logic as him, IF SOMETHING BIG HAPPENS ect ect .I had been OUT for 8years, and just like him, thought I,d come back to being a JW at some point.There were a number of reasons Why I was going to go back.

    1, I still believed it was the one true religion, IT IS NOT

    2,I believed what I had been taught by JW,s was true. IT IS NOT

    3I would be around people that had a moral code, This may be attractive to him as a new father,perhaps worried about his child and /or both of you.The truth of the matter is there are peadofiles amongst JW,s, THIS is a FACT, JW,s have already paid tens of millions of pounds Sterling in out of court settlements, with accompanying gaging orders to prevent widespread news of this abuse.

    4. I wanted to live in a paradise and live forever{just as the JW.s teach} who wouldn,t ?

    I could list many more reasons why I was planning on returning to JW.s one day, and now I have no intention everWhy ? because I stumbled onto this site by accident 4 months ago, and very quickly realised I had been conned. You can get all the information you require on this site , that will clearly demonstrate JW,s to be FALSE iI mean really FALSE, yet just 4 months ago I would have just as adamant that the JW,s were the true religion, then as I say I found out the facts on this site. When I found out I was astoished, alarmed, and full of disbelief.

    Just one further point I would like to make to you, ask/tell him if JW,s are the TRUTH as they suggest, then surely, it would be good and useful to scrutinise such claims,Just ask here you will find all the help you need to try and lead this honest man away from this dishonest religion, take things slowly with him, all the best.

  • pedal power
    pedal power

    I just re-read your message, another point I just picked up on ,When your baby was gravely ill, your partner almost certainly prayed to Jehovah for the childs life, and understandably feels compelled to return,totally understandable, but god does not intrvene in these matters or 50,000 children under the age of 5 would not die every single day,SADLY

  • Alfred

    Welcome JB... Sounds like he left the JWs because of something that happened to him personally (an incident or series of events) versus actually discovering for himself (through in-depth research) that it is just a big lie and a scam... You really need to ask him the right questions to find out exactly why he left. If he left for personal reasons (and not because he "woke up") then I'm afraid you're in for a very bumpy ride...

  • dm6

    Hello JuneBug_11, Welcome!

    If i could ever offer any sound advice, it would be this:

    Given your circumstances, i would say that for this to be succesful, Your fiance should leave the religion. However as sizemik rightly pointed out, hes left and gone back so theres nothing to stop him going back sometime in the future. I would strongly encourage him to read into the real facts about this false religion, but only do that when he starts given you a mouthful of the watchtower and how he wants YOU to know his so called "truth".

    If he can dish it out, then he should likewise take in other things too. bear in mind that they are told to NOT read about anything online...(alarm bells ringing much)

    Anyway, thats what i would say... please try and encourage him to find out the TRUTH about the "truth".


  • DesirousOfChange

    Your best resort may be to feign interest in seeing the PROOF that it is indeed the ONE TRUE RELIGION (as they claim). By posing questions based on info from this and other websites, you may be able to get him thinking about the many errors that exist but that most JWs are blinded to. If your discussion involves one of the JWs in the cong, you will have to tread lightly so as to not be labeled "apostate" right from the start.

    Others here will mention what worked for them.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    I grew up in what the Jehovah's Witnesses call a divided household . My Mother was the Witness my Father not . It was a horrible way to be raised ....For one I was in constant conflict emotionally and mentally as to which parent to please . I was taught not to completely trust my own Dasd just because he was not a lover of Jehovah .

    The images of the end of the world were etched into my young impressionable mind . Is that something you want for your own child ? To be exposed to religious thinking that teaches unbelievers will have their eyes melt out of their heads ,and the birds of the sky pluck off their flesh during God's great and almighty war against evil and unbelieving mankind ??????

    Please reconsider for the sake of your child . Be brutally honest with your boyfriend . Tell him now if you plan on allowing your child to live a normal lifestyle . What if you decide to never allow him to inculcate the child into the religion ? How does he feel about that ? How do you feel about him being away from the family on weekends {while after his reinstatement he will be expected to do field service and attend all meetings } ? You state that you want to show support to him in his religion ever if you ever decide to choose a different religion he will show similar consideration ??

    His life will change once he is fully back into the religion ....this is not your average belief system . Yes on appearances it appears to be a morally ,bible based way of life . But the creepy underlying truth is your life becomes subject to a group of men prying and weilding authority over even the most private sides of your life ........

    PLEASE PLEASE think very cautiously about the decision you are about to make .

  • Quandry

    Welcome to the forum.

    How sad that you are in this situation. I am sure it seemed to you that he wanted nothing to do with the JWs when you met him. Now, again he does.

    It will be a difficult road. Come Christmas, he won't be joining in with any celebration and may not allow a tree in the house if you are married. What about your baby's birthday? No party with his family involved. Your birthday? Same.

    If you want your children from this man to get an education, the WT stance is that it is not necessary, and not advisable. The end is sooooo close, and has been for over over 100 years.

    Does the congregation really like you? They are tolerant at best. If cornered, they would have to tell you that they know that you will be destroyed at Armageddon, along with your boyfriend and baby, as you are not JWs. (I am assuming he was never baptised, or he would be disfellowshipped for living with you.) Even the toleration will not last for him...they will expect him to become baptised and pressure him to do so.

    And the wedding? It cannot be in the Kingdom Hall, and his family may not come if it is in a Church.

    Please keep reading here about so many examples that others have had so that you will be more informed.

  • the-illuminator81

    Junebug, please try to study how this religion handles women and try to research the headship arrangement. Women are second class citizens in the religion. Your husband will probably become more authoritarian as he slowly becomes more indoctrinated. The most a wife can do in a marriage according to JWs is come up with suggestions which the husband decides to follow yes or no. That's all wives are allowed to do when it comes to anything in the family like raising children or even deciding how to dress. He may now say that he will allow blood transfusions, but when push comes to shove, he will believe he is the rightful ruler of his family and will probably not respect your opinion on the matter.

    Anything he says now can change once he becomes more and more into the religion.

    Please try and understand that this is not like mainstream religions, it's a dangerous mind control cult. Your husband is under tight control, control through fear, control through peer pressure etc. etc. He will change his personality, and you will see the old 'him' disappear and soon you will only see his cult personality.

    One thing that might help is to study cults with your husband and see how cults operate and then draw parallels to how the watchtower society operates. It may help him to wake up.

    Please read:

  • dm6

    i think this should break it down enough for you

  • WontLeave

    One more thing: You're probably not missing anything by not having sex with a JW man. They're notoriously selfish and clueless. They'll use "headship" and "submission" to get whatever they want, then retreat to prudish, extra-Biblical Watchtower rules of "morality" to get out of doing anything for the women.

  • RagingBull

    TWO WORDS... GET OUT! (tell him that too.)

  • the-illuminator81

    Oh junebug, please also read:

    Some highlights:

    "Such a wife is careful not to undermine her husband’s headship by nagging him or arguing with him."

    "Being exemplary in a supportive role may be a challenge for a wife when her husband makes a decision she disagrees with. Even then, she manifests a “quiet and mild spirit” and cooperates with him to make his decision work."

    "Before studying the Bible, I didn't think that my husband ought to be the head of the family. I liked to make many decisions on my own."

  • serenitynow!

    Sorry honey, you're hosed. You are not going to want to be with him once he gets going with the JWs. It'll be a horrible, horrible life. He'll take your kid to the hall and in field service- goodbye hope of a normal life. Start getting the papers together so you can at least get child support. He's still mentally a JW, so even if he stopped going he'd still have that baggage.

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