Need Opinions -- Engaged to a JW!!

by junebug_11 100 Replies latest social relationships

  • tenyearsafter

    Welcome JB!

    There has been alot of excellent advice offered here so far. I agree that you need to be very well informed about the JW religion. One of the earmarks of the JW's is to "love bomb" new ones to show how special they are and to show how much more loving the Jw's are over other religions. This will end once you accept their religion and then you will be expected to STRICTLY adhere to the rules that the JW's lay out for their members.

    If you do not get involved with the religion, it will put a strain on your marriage. I can guarantee that your husband will insist that your child (and future children) be raised as JW's and everything that goes with holidays, abstain from any patriotic displays including flag salute, no blood transfusions if they become seriously ill (up to and including letting them die instead of receiving a transfusion), view all other religions as evil, teach your children that everyone but JW's will be destroyed by God at Armageddon (including YOU if you don't accept the religion!)...these are just a few of the things you will be faced with. That is not to say that "JW mixed marriages" can't work, but they are generally very difficult...especially when a direct conflict with the religion comes up.

    Good luck in your decision...get as knowledgeable about the religion as you possibly can. I wish you well in whatever you ultimately choose!

  • Honesty

    Run, Junebug, run, run, run as fast as you can.

    Your relationship can only fail if your fiance continues with the JW's.

    He will betray you for the organization.

    If you become a JW you will either turn your mind over to them or go crazy trying to figure out to get out of it with your sanity intact.

    It is a cult controlled by satan.

    That is the skinny on the Watchtower Society/JW's.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep


    No sex for a year! yikes I played that card on my now husband but that just made us go to the court house as soon as we had time...

    I guess I was like your man, I thought in the back of my head that I would go back. Some of the things my husband did that helped was:

    He learned about JWs. He didn't tell me till later but he researched it on the internet...

    When it came up in conversation he never said negative things about it, but if I did he would agree with me. That would start a converation... He remained confident in his beliefs, i started to notice I got no where yet he was getting to me.

    I read Crisis of Conscience and got on this site... Not sure if your Man would consider it.

    You do have some things on your side. Since you are not JW you can't be considered apostate.

    Try to acy quickly! The longer he goes to meetings that harder it is going to be!

    I hope the best for youFS

  • mummatron

    Hi Junebug_11, and a big welcome to the forum!

    I also have a baby born this past December who we came close to losing at birth and has been seriously ill since (she’s doing well now though). So I can understand how much worry and stress you both will have been under. It sounds as though the thought of potentially losing your beautiful little boy was enough to frighten him into returning to the JWs. The ‘resurrection hope’ is the sharpest tool at the JWs disposal for drawing people into the organisation and targets people when they are at their most vulnerable. My father’s side of the family converted after having been bereft of 2 children. It’s possible that your fiancé may even be feeling guilty about having left the religion and feel that what happened to your baby was somehow a punishment for his lifestyle, or a test of his faith – that’s the manipulative effect of having been brought up as a JW can have on your thought patterns.

    I’d suggest that maybe some counselling sessions that you both attend together may help you both to discuss your fears regarding your son and how you both feel about the forthcoming marriage in a neutral and calm environment before either of you commit to baptism/reinstatement and marriage.

    Also, you might want to consider stopping attending meetings as before long you will find that the JWs will begin piling on the pressure to get you studying and eventually considering baptism!

    Love Mummatron x

  • junebug_11

    Thanks everyone for your quick responses!

    I forgot to mention, he is not baptized but plans to be once we get married (since obviously we are sinnin' left and right over here lol). I'm not sure why he originally left, although he's touched on it a little, saying that he lost faith in himself.

    We have talked about the view of women by the church.....I just learned yesterday that they cannot speak a prayer aloud in the presence of a man and I think I blew a blood vessel, LOL. Whereas his response is just a shrug and a "well that's referring to the Headship". Not that I'd ever join, but it bothers me that I wouldn't even be able to read a passage at a meeting or head a meeting simply because I wasn't born with the "correct" gentalia. I am a feminist at heart, so that hits me in a certain way and makes me very uncomfortable/enraged at the same time.

    He says that he's open-minded and not brainwashed and has done research....and yet will not explore other religions with me, since JW is "the truth".

    I know that we're not supposed to try to change our partner (since it never works), but I really feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me on this one. I feel like he really sprung it all on me, after it was too late to leave (since it was after the birth of our child and 9 months together!).

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    OK I see hope. He isn't baptized!!! And you're sinning!

    "I know that we're not supposed to try to change our partner (since it never works), but I really feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me on this one. I feel like he really sprung it all on me, after it was too late to leave (since it was after the birth of our child and 9 months together!)."

    This isn't about changing him it's saving him. You said he did research?! This could be a good thing. Maybe he would be up to talking about your research on the subject?

    He lost his faith in himsef. I think that is JW talk saying he couldn't meet up to there high standards. GUILT GUILT GUILT! This makes me agree with mummatron in he could use some therapy to boost his self worth. He is trying to find it at the Kingdom Hall!


  • wannabefree

    He believes it is "The Truth", as long as he believes that, you will have problems. If he can come to realize that there is absolutely no possible way that it is "The Truth", you have hope. If he remains a believer, he will always have the desire to return, convert you, and raise his children as Witnesses ... even if he doesn't return in the near future, he will always believe he has to and will have feelings of guilt and inner conflict about not doing it.

    This is a sad situation, either way your family is at stake if he does not become convinced Jehovah's Witnesses can not possibly be the true religion. You can sacrifice yourself and child to the control of the Watchtower ... or you can break up the family now and give your child a good upbringing without cult mind control.

    It will work under only two conditions ...

    1. You become indoctrinated and truly believe that Jehovah's Witnesses are the one and only true religion and it is the best way to raise your child.

    2. Your fiance comes to realize that it is not and can not possibly be the one true religion. The foundation has to be removed and he can't hold on to a thought that it might be the truth, he must be convinced it is not.

  • ABibleStudent

    Junebug_11 - . . . He says that he's open-minded and not brainwashed and has done research....and yet will not explore other religions with me, since JW is "the truth".

    I know that we're not supposed to try to change our partner (since it never works), but I really feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me on this one. I feel like he really sprung it all on me, after it was too late to leave (since it was after the birth of our child and 9 months together!).

    Welcome Junebug_11 and thank you for your introduction. JW's often use platitudes like "I read all of the Bible", "I read other Bibles besides the NWT", "JW's are not perfect", "I am open minded and have researched my faith", etc. When your f iancée says that he has researched his faith ask him what kind of research has he done? He will probably say he read WTBTS literature, so then ask him if he reads non-approved WTBTS literature like "Crisis of Conscience" and "Combatting Cult Mind Control"? It is very important to recognize when your f iancée is saying platitudes and asking him questions so that he realizes what he is doing.

    Also, It sounds like you have some doubts about the stability and/or integrity of your f iancée . Unlike your feelings about not changing your f iancée , your f iancée will try to convert you when ever he can. JWs are a male-chauvinistic organization and twist the headship scripture to dominate and control women. You should go with your f iancée to a therapist so that you can ask some very tough questions that other members of this forum have written about. It is better to spend a month or more going to a therapist to help you and your f iancée discuss these difficult issues before marriage, than to regret marrying your f iancée and/or getting a divorce.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • nugget

    I would say to you take your time and do not rush into any long term commitment until you are sure it will be in the best interests of you and your child. This is the time for honest talk with your fiancee so that you understand exactly what you would be letting yourself into and he knows how far you are prepared to go.

    In the JW faith the man is head of the household and as such will have final authority. This means he will not feel the need to make any compromises and will be taught that his word goes. Once back in the JW fold he will not be permitted to celebrate any of the holidays and if these are important to you this will be a potential source of friction. He will never give you or your child a birthday card or shop for a christmas present. You will have to do these things by yourself. He may not want holiday decorations in the home as these may cause issues in the congregation and as head of the house he might be disciplined if he allows you to have them.

    I was married to a ministerial servant and then later an elder and as a wife our lives were dominated by the JW schedule of meetings, meeting preparation, service and for him elders meetings and judicial committees. Until we left we did not have proper weekends or time to relax when we weren't thinking of things we should be doing. JWs are constantly pressured to do more and if they fall short they are made to feel guilty if they aren't working as hard as they could. For you even if your fiancee is wishy washy about meetings and service, he will still have to deal with the underlying guilt.

    You will also not hold the traditional place of a wife in a marriage since JWs are taught that God i.e. the organisation also is an influence in your marriage. As an unbeliever you will have very little status and your opinion of little worth. JW elders and doctrine will be the determining factors of what is right and what is not.

    In general terms JWs are not encouraged to marry unbelievers and if he was baptised and dating you he would lose all privileges and might be marked as a weak person. JWs are actively encouraged to only marry other JWs.

    The man you knew will change you need to be very sure you know what will be different and whether you can live with it.

    As has been said mixed marriages can work but it is by no means a given or easy to accomplish. Find out what is negotiable and what is not. Inform yourself too so you know everything about this religion, they are not always honest with themselves.

  • junebug_11

    @ABibleStudent -- haha, yes he has "researched" other religions by reading a WTBTS book about the other religions. I will look into getting that "Crisis of Conscience" book, I've heard good things about it.

    @everyone: A big problem is that his entire family is JW, his dad is a former elder. He was really "the black sheep" up until a few months ago.

    One of the things I really don't understand is why you can't just sit at home and read your Bible....why does there have to be a bunch of meetings and extra literature? If you are really following "God's word", shouldn't you be able to figure out what it is saying for yourself?

    I equate it to English class.....the literature is just ONE interpretation of a literary work. If every single person thought the exact same thing about every book, essays or compare/contrast opinion pieces would be null en void. His argument is that it is impossible for the 12 men in Brooklyn to write the Watchtower/Awake magazines themselves, do they come to be? Is it how I assume, that they sit down every month, decide what it's going to be about, then have a staff of writers, with the council having the yes/no on the final draft?

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