Need Opinions -- Engaged to a JW!!

by junebug_11 100 Replies latest social relationships

  • Married to the Mob
    Married to the Mob

    @ziddina - How do you know she has left?

    @junebug - as a worldly married to a witness if want to talk pm and I am more than happy to answer any questions. I will be honest that living with a witness is far from easy at times as many others have said but it really is your choice what you choose to do. However your fiancee choices at times will at times be far from his own and more in line with that of the society even if it is not what would you would expect from him.

    Please consider what is best for you and your child but remember you are always welcome here

  • the-illuminator81

    Junebug please be aware that your husband's view on things can change any moment. He might be OK on something like getting a christmas tree, until he attends the district convention and gets sucked into the cult more and suddenly it's not OK anymore. He is not his own person, he will be a slave to an organization, a puppet that you can't trust.

  • moshe

    She said she wanted opinions, but I don't think she is the sort to make a proactive decision. Like birth control- you have to plan ahead for that, too.

  • ziddina

    ^ What Moshe said...

    Yeah, I thought about that too... She seems to be very passive, willing to go along with others rather than make solid plans for herself...

    She might turn out to be a very "good" Witness, after all...

    Married to the Mob - I haven't seen posts from her, after this thread. She's probably just busy, but I'm wondering whether she got the replies that she expected - or wanted...

  • jgnat

    I know when I have been hit with crises - and mobbed with conflicting opinions - it sent me for a tailspin. It would be nice, in moments of instability and chaos, if the answer were simple. And easy.

    Life doesn't work that way very often. The decision will be stressful. There will be seccond thoughts, guilt, doubt. And life marches on anyways. Either life will be something that happens to her, or the wild wave that she learns to ride.

  • ziddina
    "...Either life will be something that happens to her, or the wild wave that she learns to ride..."

    Very true, Jgnat... And very wise...

  • garyneal

    Perhaps a balanced perspective from someone who is in it.

    It is true that since I am a male, I have an advantage. The headship advantage. That does not mean that my wife will always comply with my requests, particular if they 'threaten her spirituality.' That said, my wife is 'weak' in the 'truth' in that she still secretly longs to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and the like with me and our family. That also gives me an advantage since I have a chink in her armor. I say nothing about what she is doing being wrong and she does it, I just let her work it out with her god (the Watchtower Society).

    How successful your relationship will work out will be determined by how well you communicate and what boundaries you two are willing to establish and compromise on. Personally, if my wife had said 'no sex for a year until we are married,' I would've went along with it. I mean, realistically, it is not going to work as the passion of the moment will come within that time frame and oopsies.... Well, we'll just try again and see how long we can go without sex.

    I mean, realistically speaking.

    You must make it very clear what you want and what you don't want and do not allow yourself to be a pushover. It's easy to do, you love the man and you want it to work, we understand. I've been there and I am also 8 years into our marraige and just finding out how I should've been more assertive throughout my life. Oh well, live and learn.

    Make sure your mate realizes that he is not going to boss you around. Also, make sure you are very clear on where you stand on how you want to raise your children. Keeping the children out of the meetings is going to be impossible, not to mention unfair. Never-the-less, don't allow him to insist that he only takes the kids to the meetings if there is somewhere you want the kids to go too. Again, compromise, compromise, compromise and make sure he is meeting you halfway. Bear in mind that this is not something witnesses have a tendency to do as they tend to see things their way or the highway, but push back and take charge if you have to.

    I'd try all this out now while you are not yet married to him. Try it out for the next year. Then see how he reacts. This will be a good indication on what the marraige is going to be like. If it looks like you two will always end up disagreeing on everything and not compromising on anything during this time know that it won't get better after you both say 'I do.'

  • garyneal

    Oh, and keep in mind too that if he becomes baptized and you remain a non-witness then the Watchtower will teach him (and your children) that you are dead and will die at Armageddon. Teach your child critical thinking skills.

  • DesirousOfChange

    I would say that it would be very beneficial to find out exact reasons why he left, and what was the "major event" that makes him want to return.


    That's probably the reason he left in the first place. He likely did not leave "mentally". He just left physically and in his mind, temporarily. He decided that FOR NOW, he simply cannot live by the WT (God's) rules. He "knows it's the Truth", but he is "weak" and cannot remain chaste. He now hopes the importance of having a child will be sufficient motivation to live in abstinance until you are legally married and thus having sex will be "by the rules" and acceptable.

    He must not realize that it would be better for him to marry first, and then try to get back in. Once back in (if still single) he will again be ostracized for dating and marrying a non-JW.

  • moshe

    Regardless, in my day a man who fathered a child and let it be born without his name was a cad who showed an extreme lack of good character. I guess men don't worry about being responsible and stuff like that anymore, because women don't worry about it.

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