Need Opinions -- Engaged to a JW!!

by junebug_11 100 Replies latest social relationships

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    This is a topic that has been discussed several times when we have been asked for help and advice.

    Try this search of the site

    I know where your boyfriend is. I was him a long time ago and made a lot of mistakes due to not understanding that the Watchtower was not what it claimed to be. In my opinion, I was damaged goods, and was not marriageable material. You will probably find my posts about that in the hits from that search.

    Take care


  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    BTW 'something big happening' includes having a baby.

    They are taught that if the baby doesn't have at least one practicing, preaching, goody goody, JW parent, their killer god will throw it's carcase to the birds at Armageddon.

    They don't like hearing it put like that. They like to sugar coat their nastier doctrines.


  • NewChapter

    Hi JB--sweet picture. I guess in the end you have to decide what you can deal with. No matter how much distance your husband puts between the org and himself if his heart is still captive (and it sounds like it is) then your relationship will ALWAYS be affected. Imagine scenarios and investigate how you would really feel about them. Let me help you by outlining some hypotheticals:

    It's your son's birthday. Your husband agrees to go along with your wishes to celebrate. He however will hold back. He won't sing Happy Birthday, he won't attend a party, he won't eat cake. Now your son wants to celebrate his bday--what child wouldn't?--but he has been attending the KH with your husband. He has learned that people that celebrate bdays rebel against God and the penalty is death. So how does this affect him? He has a natural desire, but if he acts on it he faces destruction. That's a heavy load. Insert any holilday to subsitute for birthday and you have a picture of the rest of the year.

    Your son wants to joing boyscouts---or whatever else. He is allowed (maybe, unless husband becomes more zealous) but he is still faced with the idea that participating sets him up for destruction because he has been attending the hall. On top of simple participation, there may also be some flag saluting, possibly some prayers, holidays, parades, and such like that. So along with the primary issue, all these issues will continue to pop up. Each time he will have the message that those that take part will be destroyed.

    Your child reaches dating age. Let's say 16. But your husband won't agree--he will be more likely to think dating age starts when your son is financiall and emotionally ready for marriage. We are talking son, so let's say age 47. (I'm just kidding guys).

    Even if your husband doesn't put the pressure on, the congregation will. Even if your husband gives in, he will have to deal with his own guilt because he may feel he is setting his son up for destruction.

    Let's say your son embraces this religion. Where does that put you? What will he fear for you? What if he even gets baptized--and then disfellowshipped. Will your husband quit speaking to him? What will that do to your family.

    It's a lot of baggage my friend. You may be able to handle it. It's just something to consider.


  • Gayle

    well, junebug, you are smart,,you are an investigative, researcher person. The Watchtower organization will want you to stop that. They will want you to only read 'their' literature. They want to do your thinking for you. You would be taught to be submissive to your husband, and also to the Governing Body (7 guys presently, all totally supported comfortably by donations by mostly not rich Jehovah's Witnesses). Suggestion: when the JWs say "the truth," interject at least in your own mind, "the program," because it is in fact a man-made high-mind control program that will use you all your life.

    You sound like you have a healthy, strong respect of your parents. The JW organization will want to break that down and encourage you not to see them very much, unless they too become JWs.

    Your boy will be burdened by them. That is why many (66%) young JW men & girls leave, throw up their arms in exasperation at the unrealistic demands put on them. They must go to school and have no non-JW friends, no flag salute, no national or holiday songs nor arts, taught explictly the evils of masturbation, no sports, no dating except for marriage (forcing many to marry way too young). Let your boy be just a normal boy to enjoy his childhood. The JW world just wants the youth to almost skip that childhood phase. The childhood goes by quickly.

    I was a 9 yr old girl when my folks became JWs. I was taught the new world was, just around the corner, so soon,, 55 yrs ago. There were reasons why your fiance walked away from it, but he has forgotten the reality. Maybe he got understandably spooked with your son being so critically sick and JWs and inactive JWs can be superstitious when that happens and then they let the "guilt" get to them and then they reactivate and/or maybe he is liking the idea of a "submissive" wife potentially.

    I love it to see people like you coming here and checking many sources as they learn the "whole" story through and through about JWs.

  • NewChapter

    JB, I would just add something personal for you. I was baptized 20 years ago and I have left for good. NO QUESTION. However somewhere in the middle, I fell away for 2 years. I was still captive and believed it was the truth. Here are the "something bigs" that tugged at my conscience and made me think I should go back--which I did eventually.

    War, peace, natural disasters--particularly earthquakes, marriage, depression, success, failure, economic difficulties, illness, death, crime, any assertive move by the UN, terrorism, aging, bumping into Witnesses, bad behavior in other religious leaders, compassion from Witness friends, (or family-I just didn't have any)---you just can't tell where the bullet will come from. ALL of these things validate the Witness theology if that is your world view.

    Keep us updated. I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you've had this dropped on you. It will never be simple--regardless of your choice. He will always be your son's father.

  • Stealth

    Welcome JB.

    If you can get him to open up his mind and see his religion as the sham that it is, you have hope. If you can't do that, then leave, or you will only have regrets. Do you really want to be married to someone who will let your child die before giving him life saving blood?

    Also, why should he wait until after the marriage in order to get baptized? If he really thinks is the truth, why hold back? You have a right to see how his marriage to the religion might impact your relationship before you commit. He wants it both ways.

  • juci32

    please take it from me. dont do i!!! its not worth the pain and heartache. i am recently divorced from a jw and he was not in while we were dating. i know you are gonna make your own decision like i did and chose not to listen to the people on the jw sites,married , then divorced after 2 years. Please dont be like me. A divided house will not stand.

  • juci32

    please take it from me. dont do i!!! its not worth the pain and heartache. i am recently divorced from a jw and he was not in while we were dating. i know you are gonna make your own decision like i did and chose not to listen to the people on the jw sites,married , then divorced after 2 years. Please dont be like me. A divided house will not stand.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse
    Your best resort may be to feign interest in seeing the PROOF that it is indeed the ONE TRUE RELIGION (as they claim). By posing questions based on info from this and other websites, you may be able to get him thinking about the many errors that exist but that most JWs are blinded to. If your discussion involves one of the JWs in the cong, you will have to tread lightly so as to not be labeled "apostate" right from the start.

    I suggest the above.

    You have a long term relationship with this man now, you have a child together. Your fiancee is physically out but mentally in, the opposite to many here who are mentally out but physically in for family.

    You need to read Captives of a Concept by Don Cameron.

    You also need to read Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan.

    Under no circumstances try to show him anything on this site or make any mention of reading 'apostate material' and don't leave the books I mentioned around; he will just shut down.

  • VampireDCLXV

    I really can't add much more to what others have already said here. I really must say DON'T DO IT!. It really is too bad that there's already a child involved in this BUT it would be very unwise of you to marry this fella just for that. It's very unwise to date any ex-JW who hasn't made the firm commitment to leave the JWs and their religion behind once and for all. If his heart and mind are still in it, you're hooped.

    There are countless marriages that have gone to the dogs because of this issue but here is a very recent example:

    Please read her posts. This lady tried really hard to make the relationship work, but in the end it all went to pot. The guy was just far too much into it. It's hard for me not to see your relationship going the exact same way. Of course it's your life and your decision but we hope you'll listen and save yourself a lot of heartache in the end. Good luck...


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