I was BANE...I have an apology to most of you.

by Botzwana 129 Replies latest jw friends

  • Botzwana

    Misery, I probably read the same info for years but this time it hit me. I would have to look to find it but you know we get our WT's months in advance and I would always study them in advance as soon as we get them to see when Armaggedon would be announced...I know stupid right? But this one talked about God's righteousness and that in addition to ALL the other stuff we have to do to be clean in God's eyes we also NOW have to ONLY focus on his righteousness. It's like I am a pioneer, I am in charge of the sound and in good standing but that is NOT enough...I NOW have to be really concerned about this. The article suggested that a person could be doing everything but if he failed in this one area he wouldn't make it. Then Thanksgiving rolled around. My wife and I were talking about the turkey, stuffing etc. that we haven't had in forever. 16 years. Then I thought about my worldly family and how I never called them or paid attention to them because to call them on Thanksgiving or Christmas "supported" their worldly ideas. I said screw it. Call them. Best call to them in a long time. Then I thought that I was trying to be obediant to God by cutting off my family. It bothered me. I started thinking about all the things I cut off from me that I missed. I got depressed and angry.

    It got to be a combination of little things....This one pioneer brother. GREAT brother. SO loyal etc. A great representation of what a lover of God is. He can't go to Bethal because he played a violent videogame. God I thought...That is so frickin strict! That one bothered me to no end.

  • 3Mozzies

    Welcome back Botzwana

    I am not saying I am done yet. But for the first time in my life I feel like I don't want to go back.

    Enjoy your life & time away from the Org. In time you will find your feet and know what to do.


  • free2beme

    Seen your pattern before, many times ... this board gets them from time to time.

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    I have never seen an apologist/ active JW turn while on this forum...

    so i will be interested to see your journey...

    welcome 'back'


  • sabastious
    He can't go to Bethal because he played a violent videogame.

    Wait what? I have never heard of this requirement.



    You like to Play People....Redemption is Earned..

    ................. ...OUTLAW

  • GrandmaJones

    It is so interesting to me to see what the trigger is. It's never the same. Sometimes sorta the same, but what drops the pin, what the straw is that breaks the camels back, is so interesting.

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Welcome back Bane,

    I was in your shoes 2 years ago, going through the same emotions...feeling trapped, scared, depressed- I was desperate to keep my JW family, the JW life was all I knew, but I was so miserable, it was serious for me...I began to pray to Jehovah everyday to die, and then everymorning came with a sinking feeling...knowing I was still here alive and so miserable- but Jeh's people are supposed to be so happy right? I would ask myself why am I so hollow and unhappy when I have the "truth"? Everything began to crumble...I made a desperate plan to escape

    I did this a year ago now, it has been quite a journey, you ask what we on the "outside" do now that we don't have meetings and theocratic activities and the "truth"? Well I enjoy my life and do not feel guilty....I go to college, I work, I now have a wonderful supportive fiance who loves me unconditionally. I still search for truth, and my spirituality is still important to me...but I am liberated by knowing that I have a full lifetime ahead of me to rediscover God & I know God loves me.

    Most of my family shuns me & I deal with that reality by recognizing that they are trapped just as I was- I move on with my life & try to remember when it hurts that they are doing this because they think that they are acting out of love- they are misguided & when I was deep "in" the WTBS, I did the same thing under their misdirection.

    Best of luck to you


  • avengers

    Glad you finally got the crap out of your eyes.

    Hope you can see clearly now.


  • Botzwana

    Sabastious, YEah they ask you on the new Bethel form. Do you play violent videogames? The brother didn't send his in on his advice from the Elders because they thought he wouldn't get accepted if he had that on there. I told him to fudge it. His conscience bothered him to do that.

    Outlaw, I knew you would give me grief over this. So ok, let it out now. Get it out of your system. I am sure you, Issac, and MsJones are going to have plenty to say. I never played you and pretended. I was sincere at the time. I apologize to you if I ruffled your feathers but you guys are just as guilty. You rode me pretty hard too.

    Grandma, It's alot of little things. Like the society's illustration. Alot of little bricks eventually make a house. Even when I was busting my hump I thought I would be killed at Armaggedon. Then I thought of the Egyptians...They had no idea who God was nor his laws etc. They just decided to leave with the Israelites. Jah spared them. Hopefully Jah will spare those ones that leave the org because of the crap inside it. I am tired of the elitist thinking. Witnesses are better than everyone else kind of thing. If I am destroyed, so be it. At least I can say that I tried to tow the company line. My wife thinks I am the perfect husband and says no way will God destroy me. But the witnesses got me thinking that if you miss a meeting, God's wrath is coming. I am tired of that negative thinking. Tired of living in fear.

    How do you avoid the dreaded sheparding call? They already came once to encourage me...Although it was really a "you know what you should be doing" kind of talk.

    Coffeehousegirl, Thanks for your story. I am overwhelmed with feelings right now. Really I don't know what to do next.

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