Separating saucer section...General Order 14. [Borg cubes inbound!--Part II]

by sd-7 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • zzaphod

    SD7, thank you for sharing what is obviously a very difficult time for you and your family, what a totally heartbreaking post that was.

    I genuinely hope you find peace of mind and happiness, whatever you choose to do.


    Paul UK

  • sd-7

    What I find truly sad about all of this is that I get more logical support and comfort from people I've mostly never met than I do from anyone inside this religion. When I talk to them, I already know what they're going to say. Just think of whichever WT article relates to the situation and you're already there. That's why I became disillusioned. I knew there were more answers than the ones in the paragraph.

    For your support, I'm very grateful. I appreciate Jamie's kind words here. Your support means a whole lot to me. Jamie was kind enough to remind me that it's a cult. Sometimes, just saying that to myself helps me to let go a little more.

    I contacted my old therapist, who I couldn't (and still can't) afford to go to. I'm going anyway, just because I'm not able to pay all the bills regardless; why bother kidding myself? So...should be going to therapy more regularly again.

    AllTimeJeff--you're one of my favorite posters here. I'm ashamed. A guy has to have a nervous breakdown just to get a post from you. :) But thanks for your thoughts. They're actually, in a lot of ways, the same thoughts I've had in my head but have been unwilling to face. I've thought about asking her to leave for awhile. She might not mind it much. It was her suggestion, after all. But the thoughts I could share would create another post altogether. And I said I wouldn't. But thank you.

    I've started to lose faith in everything. But here, amongst you, I found people who understood. All those victims the Society suppresses while declaring to the public that they're not running a cult, that if they were, there would be many victims coming forward. You're all here. A testimony to just how low they are willing to sink.

    It won't be over anytime soon for me. My mood has improved slightly, mom and brother are in this, too. My aunt and my cousins and their kids. None of them will think anything of me save that I was the oddball, the black sheep who dared to question everything. Or who just 'went crazy' and did some stupid stuff.

    The Thought Police called Saturday night. Called my phone at 10:00 at night. Hung up on him, simply because I don't appreciate being called at that hour by someone who doesn't really care in the first place but is going out on a limb to create an appearance of concern. Can't even sit down with my family and watch a movie without being interrupted by the [blanking] cult. Maybe that wasn't proper, but...I think I've become much more of a jerk now that I realize I've been lied to and all.

    I'll just tell them to skip the committee and make the announcement. I find myself feeling a lot like the character Rorschach in the 'Watchmen' comic series, who was the one person who didn't compromise when he saw the truth for what it was. The price for him was just as high. At least he met it without compromise, without cowardice. "What's one more body amongst the foundations? Well? What are you waiting for? Do it. DO IT!"

    They'll try to get me to reconsider. But I've nothing more to give this religion. It's time they knew that. And honestly, I never thought living in 'the new system' with the people I worshiped alongside sounded particularly appealing. They didn't seem like the 'best people in the world' to me. So even if it was true, I'm not sure it would be worth being a part of anyway. Who wants to live under a rulership like this? And what logic is there in God creating us with the capacity for free will, then demanding unquestioning obedience anyway? Why not just create the broken pottery? Why create it whole and then shatter it?

    I've repressed a lot of emotions over this weekend. I wrote about doing things I never thought I'd be capable of doing, and I felt better. But those things were horrible. It was the first time I'd written about seriously disturbed things that I wanted to do to people. I realized then that I needed help. Because the rage is a micrometer from coming to the surface, and I don't think I could turn it off this time. So I'm going to get help.

    I need to do so before I see these people again. Because...I've never felt like this before. I don't want to do something I'd regret forever. They don't deserve to see me bleed. That'd be too much to give them.

    I still say Oompa's got it worse than me. Doesn't make me feel any more sane, though. I mean, I volunteered for this insanity, thinking I could make something of it. I thought love was all that mattered. Then I quickly learned that there is no love save that which is reserved for the Governing Body.

    Special assembly day is this weekend. Hmm. Doesn't that mean we don't have a meeting this week? I can't believe I still care about that.

    But hey, don't worry about me. There are more relevant people out there, people with genuine suffering. I'll manage. Take care of yourselves.


  • sd-7

    ...By the way, I still haven't thrown the away the books. And if this marriage survives, I'm quite certain I will encourage her daughter to rebel against the status quo as much as possible--but only so far as she understands why it's necessary. But I'm not so sure this will last long enough for me to form that kind of bond with the kid. ... I hope so. Fact is, I love both of them. And I do so in spite of what my wife believes. ... I don't know if it'll mean anything in the end. But those books just might save someone else. Perhaps it's not my place to merely get rid of them. People do deserve to have their faith rewarded. But they don't deserve to have their faith taken advantage of.

    ... I do need you guys. I don't want to keep going back and forth between leaving the site and staying. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing. ... But I need to go. Have to check my PMs. Take care.


  • PSacramento


    The world is an ever changing place and we can never predicte the future.

    I understand what it is to fight and get knocked down, sometimes even get knocked out...

    It hurts and hurts bad and for a long time.

    The only battles worth fighting are those that are worth the pain that comes with them.

    For many years I had issues with God, more than I can ever out into words and when I least suspected I found God through Jesus, I don;t think anyone other than Jesus could have brought me over to God, truly.

    And what did it was Love, a love that I never even knew was fathmable...

    Baby steps my friend, bab steps and even if you choose to stay in the WT remeber this, Our Lord is Love and as long as you have love in your heart, Jesus will be with you, to keep you and strengthen you.

    We are here for you, if for nothing else just to vent.

    You are our brother and we love you, not because we have to, not because you deserve it, but because you have done soemthign to earn it, but because God loves you and we love you too.

    We are here for you as best we can be.

    I've always liked your posts and this one has touched me deeply.

    For what it is worth, you are in my prayers for the Lord to stregthen you and fill you full of his love.

  • nugget

    Sd7 thanks for taking the time to post many of us were concerned for you. Every person is relevant and deserving of happiness. Good luck with the therapist I hope they can help you find peace of mind.

  • zoiks

    Take care... thanks for posting. Keep in touch if you can!

  • snowbird

    Continue to hang in there.

    We're pulling for you.


  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    SD-7, I'm glad you're starting to come to grips with things and seeking the help you need.

    I have an idea of what to do with your books. It's an idea I've been thinking about proposing here, anyway, before you even mentioned having books available.

    Lets have a sort of JWN Book Borrower's Club? When someone here has used the books to the extent he/she feels is necessary, and is willing to part with them, post the name of the available book or books in a "Book Borrower's" thread and someone who needs it at the moment can PM the person. The book is mailed to the person who needs it and then when that person is done with it, they post its availability on the Borrower's thread again.

    This isn't a method for building a personal library. The books are on loan for whatever period of time a person might need them, or until they are able to afford their own copy for building a library. Then they pass them on to someone else who needs them.

    The main negative I see in this is that those still "in" may have no viable way to receive these in the mail without being found out. That's up to the borrower to handle from their own end, though; I still think the system could work.

    Any ideas?

  • sd-7

    I actually considered the implications of such a system. As Obi-Wan Kenobi once said, "And there's an even bigger danger." Who's to say that a uh, triple agent might not just bait someone into revealing their true identity and outing themselves unintentionally? You'd have to be sure whoever is sending it could be trusted. I wouldn't chance it, but then, now I have nothing left to lose. So I don't mind.

    But this actually seems like a good idea, though. I'm sure you have the patent pending on it, though. ;)


  • cantleave

    May the force be with you SD7. I've been worrying about you - so glad your still posting and working things through.

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