Layin' some heavy stuff on ya' (page 8)

Satanus

People keep saying how she's your daughter. But, she isn't really, is she? I'm not saying to dissown her. Just, maybe back away from her, or detach from her.

S

AK - Jeff

Yes, we have detached pretty much. The love-car is about out of gas at this point for us.

Thanx all for all the good thoughts.

We have been looking for information on sentencing standards in our state. It looks like 30 years is the recommended sentence for a Class A felony of this nature, with possible 20 years additional for 'aggravating circumstances' which she has several of them that fit. In addition she can be returned to serve the remaining 5 years on the sentence from the previous crimes [she was out on probation and in full violation and hiding from warrants for a year and a half or so].

She has put her head deep into a can of shit this time. A lot will depend on the judge [and jury if there is one], but with her past she is likely up the river for a long while. Good thing is that the kids won't be exposed to her until well into adult life, if ever. We, her parents, will likely be dead and gone time she sees the light of day. That carries it's own sadness of course.

Jeff

nicolaou

Puts my petty problems into perspective. I'll drink one for you buddy

Big Tex

That carries it's own sadness of course.

Yes it does. When my parents cut me off, it took a good 2 or 3 years to deaden that wound. I was forbidden to attend my mother's funeral, never met my step mother or my nieces or nephews. Like you, the love just ain't there, but it's still sad.

Believe me, it does get better but it doesn't get any easier. If that makes sense.

Chris

BabaYaga

Just sending some love... I don't think I have any words that work right now.

Love to you and yours...
Baba.

TJ - iAmCleared2Land

Jeff, you and your wife are amazing.

Others have spoke sufficiently about your daughter; I want to focus on my thoughts re: your grandchildren, and the care you and your wife are providing.

I'm in a situation myself (sisters-in-law and mother-in-law living with us, dependent on us) that can make me relate to how one can begin to feel imposed upon by having to care for others that are not truly your responsibility. Yet, the goodness and kindness in your heart leaves little option--it's all that can be done, so you do it.

I just want to say that you and your wife are forever heroes in my book. While it would be easy to become bitter about how "inheriting" this responsibility has eaten into your free time, your plans, your funds, and your dreams, I sense none of that in your story.

You, my friend, while doing what "must be done", are doing it with the admiration of others and the love of those kids. You deserve all the love and admiration that we and they can muster. I tip my hat...

AK - Jeff

Well, heros we aren't. Just regular old people trying to do what is right.

At times I do feel a hint of jealousy, wishing we had more freedom, more time without raising kids, etc. But most of the time I try and focus on how to better love them. They had nothing to do with any of it. They don't understand most of it. They need a fair shot at life with a pleasant childhood and teen years to remember. What they are going to get is an 'unconventional' version of that, or at least the best we can provide.

There are personal benefits too. They may actually keep us a bit younger. The years ahead will be filled with HS football and basketball games, cheerleading practice maybe, perhaps a few field trips [beyond the ones we have already been involved with]. It will keep us hopping, and joyful I hope. To be honest, we missed a lot of that the first time around, since we were Jw. So it is not all one-sided.

Life is a lottery. Lemons are best used for lemonade.

Jeff

TJ - iAmCleared2Land

Well, heros we aren't.

To those kids, you are. Do they call you Grandpa and Grandma?

There are personal benefits too. They may actually keep us a bit younger. The years ahead will be filled with HS football and basketball games, cheerleading practice maybe, perhaps a few field trips [beyond the ones we have already been involved with]. It will keep us hopping, and joyful I hope. To be honest, we missed a lot of that the first time around, since we were Jw. So it is not all one-sided.

Great attitude!

Life is a lottery. Lemons are best used for lemonade.

As my daughter says, "when life hands you lemons, make chocolate milk."

Lady Lee

Hi Jeff I'm going to piece out a few comments and I hope you find what I say helpful

What a pile of shit life sometimes becomes. I am generally pretty optomistic and positive. But this is ugly anyway you shake it.

In all this craziness I want you and your wife to think about something. In spite of all her hatred towards you she has left the kids with you. She hasn't dragged them around with her. She hasn't taken them and submitted them to the drugs and abuse and god only knows what else happens to these kids. I worked in a shelter. I know how much crap these children often go through. In spite of everything your daughter has allowed you to have her children, to raise them, to love them and to protect them from her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows you will take good care of the children.

Forget the emails and the threats. Most likely that is her just high on something and not having anyone else to spew her self-hatred at. She will probably be gone for a long time. Enjoy the kids.

undercover had this to say:

But there is a point where you become an enabler by constantly giving them an out or support. I won't say that's what you're doing, but our attempts only allowed the person we were helping to continue to put off their personal responsibility on others. We cut that out and cut them loose. They were on their own. Will they make it? I don't know. I am not responsible for their actions anymore, nor will I feel guilty for what they choose to do.

This is bang on. To give anyone like this a second chance they have to earn it first before the chance is given not the other way around. Otherwise you, your wife and the children will only be hurt all over again. Personally I would recommend a year of being clean and sober that can be verified. Otherwise keep her at a distance.

Big Tex said this:

I guess I'll tell you what I'd like to hear and that is -- You did your best given your knowledge, experience and finances; what's happened with her life is not your fault

How many people here went through really abusive childhoods. Look at BT. He is a perfect example of someone who like me had traumatic childhoods. as adults we chose to get past it and live better lives. Regardless of what kind of childhood a person has as an adult they make a choice to live destructively or constructively.

My sister chose to live a destructive life. Fortunately she had no children to drag down with her. In the end when she ODed on drugs it was more a relief that her painful and self-destructive life was over. I no longer worry about how she is or if she is dead or alive. I no longer have to lie awake at night wondering if I will ever hear from her again. If that worst thing happens to her know you will find relief and a degree of peace and closure.

Enjoy all the opportunities of healthy relationships with the grandkids. Know that most teens go through something but try not to transpose the past on their development. Love them. Enjoy them and stay young.

Marvin Shilmer

Jeff,

I am speechless. Speechless.

All I can think to say is, I love you. Please take heart and press on. Don't know what else to say.

You and your family are in my thoughts constantly after reading this.

All the best,

Marvin Shilmer

Layin' some heavy stuff on ya'

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