Layin' some heavy stuff on ya' (page 5)

daniel-p

My thoughts and "prayers" with you, Jeff.

-dp

Oh AK-Jeff, you sound like a wonderful father who just want the best for his childern. My Dad and Mom went through problems thus I was parented by my grandparents!! That is a wonderful and great thing for those childern.

Everything that was ever wrong in her life was due to our failure as parents - even though ironically, it was her very ignoring of the principles we had tried to instill that kept screwing up her life. I was getting worried that she was deep into drugs now. She would not tell us where she lived. She was now wanted on warrants for failing to appear for her probation meetings. And her emails were subtly threatening. I began to review our home security out of fear that she would try to abduct her children in the middle of the night - or worse. I feared that she was using some very serious drugs, running with the worse of the worse. I had no idea what might happen. She had never been violent [with us] before, but paranoia began to creep into my thinking, and we had to work hard to assure it did not leak out to the kids - it was never our intention to poison the well as regards their mother.

No that's not true. My grandparents tried their best as my mom today tries her best... Your daughter is confused and doing drugs can effect her thinking. We as young adults are young adults! Each of us find our lessons and healing from hurt in our own ways. It doesn't make it your fault, hopefully she will find that out sooner then later. (My cousins have been through drug abuse also my fiance back when he was in his 20s, there is still hope and sometime jail or something like this might wake them up)

As for now take care of your grandchildern, give them the 'safe haven' and love they need!! Make them feel special and it's good to not revile to them things at an early age... but not lieing to them but giving them words of comfort.

She will turn 30 next month. I don't know if she will see the outside before she is 40. I don't know how this will end. I am focused on the kids. I am not sure how to tell them, or when. I don't think I will tell them for a long time. They have gotten used to never hearing from her, or knowing what she is up to. I will not hide the truth from them, but see no rush to discuss it at this time.

That's good. Questions will come in your kids but for me I didn't dwell on it til I was in my teens.

My love and consern is with you and your family! I pray for the best.

yknot

Hugs to you, wife and little ones.....(and even to her)

All the tribulations and trials never make the heartbreak less painful

While I do see value in limiting the children's association for a chance of some stability and normalcy..... I do hope yall write her in prison. Write her like she never made all these mistakes, telling her how well the little ones are thriving, perhaps copies of their artwork and you wish nothing but for her to find peace. Write each week, regardless if she sends nasty letters back, include her........

Perhaps she is finally in the safest place for her........ a place of strict demanded routines, that allows for none of her anarchy.

Butterflyleia85

My father went to jail and my mom put a restraining order on him, for fear he would steal us kids (me age 5-18 and my sister just a baby) away from her. She had depression and wild stages. She was angery and bitter at times. I saw the hurt in her. But while she was going through that my grandparents where there to rescue us.

We stayed with my grandparents most of the time seeing mom for dinner and on wkns. I loved my grandparents!! They we're fun, taught me tons, and because they were retired we got to do alot together!!

I got to write to my dad. But at that age it didn't affect me as much but for my sister I think more (even though she says it didn't). Just remember they will think about their mom and dad... avoiding it wont help but as others suggested letting them know the basic and then comfort them that you are there and will always be there... Helps more then you know!! (That's why I hold so strongly to JW believe my grandpa was my hero in my life and he died faithfully to JW believe, I never wanted to leave, but my flaws and mistakes got the better of me)

moshe

I remember telling my rebelling 15 yr old daughter, " There is a helluva lot more parent abuse than child abuse" - she did the self-bruised arms trick on me one time when she was 12. I just told her I wasn't going to jail or going broke to keep her out of trouble- I bought a plane ticket and sent her back to her mother. At 16 she dropped out of school- by 25 she had graduated from college. By 29 she was divorced for the 3rd time and had two small children. Fortunately the father was well off and he pays a lot of money in child support- California doesn't have any limits. He is over 50, but he never asked me why a beautiful 27 year old girl would be willing to marry a man old enough to be her father. Sorry your adopted daughter has failed to thrive, despite help. Good luck.

undercover

I read this earlier but didn't have time to drop a line in response...

I feel for you, but I admire how you're putting the children first. It's not easy trying to help someone who won't help themself. I've been in a situation where we've had to continue to come to the rescue of someone who just can't get their shit together.

But there is a point where you become an enabler by constantly giving them an out or support. I won't say that's what you're doing, but our attempts only allowed the person we were helping to continue to put off their personal responsibility on others. We cut that out and cut them loose. They were on their own. Will they make it? I don't know. I am not responsible for their actions anymore, nor will I feel guilty for what they choose to do.

I think you've come to a similar conclusion and the important thing is the safety and welfare of the small children.

Good luck...

cawshun

Jeff,

I'm so sorry for what your having to deal with. There comes a time when one must practice "tough love". I know the thought of her being in prison has to hurt, but at least you get some peace of mind, you know where she is every night and day. You know she is not building some meth lab that could blow up her or her children, she is not around to do you or the grand-kids harm. It may be the best peace of mind you have at the moment.

I hope the grand-kids brighten up your life

cawshun

Open mind

"Sufficient for each day is it's own badness."

I never really cared for that verse too much, but it seems to fit your post.

I think I like "One Day at a Time" a bit better.

Strength to you. Take care Jeff.

om

shamus100

Half-way through your post I thought she was on drugs - they don't think like normal human beings on that meth shit. Drug-induced psychosis.

There is nothing that you can do now. And no, it's nothing that you did, Jeff. People grow up in other countries watching people get killed in the streets right outside their front door - growing up a dub isn't nearly that bad.

Funny - my nephew tried the old "I'm going to call child protective services" routine once. The phone was handed to him, and the phone number to social services was looked up for him and handed to him. Go ahead and call - go live in a foster home. He didn't call.

Goshawk

Hang in there Jeff,

The opening paragraph caught my attention. The failure to bond at such a young age might be indicative of a baby that was exposed to substance abuse while still in the womb. Such a syndrome can cause an imbalance of the chemicals found in the brain. Chronic drug use is often the person trying to self-medicate when such an imbalance exists. Other signs might include depression, anxiety and erratic behavior. (Things that can be exacerbated in the WT$). I am not a professional in the field but have watched similar events unfold.

I agree with you a parent should not have to bury their adult children and even having to consider such a reality is heartbreaking. Take care of those grandkids and let them know you care.

Goshawk

Layin' some heavy stuff on ya'

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