Alright, with my last post it should be obvious I'm in conflict...if it's not, then yeah.
My boyfriend is not a witness. He understands that witnesses can't marry or date non witnesses. But I guess could say we've been stalling...looking for a solution a gray area to that black and white situation...but with time getting as it is...Stalling doesn't work anymore. The more time I stall, the closer it gets with neither of us being saved....
I should mention this is an online relationship that was wanted to be real someday.... He said he can't convert because he's afraid to "lose himself." Afraid if he devotes himself fully to god, he'd have no room for happiness and lose the love he has for me....
I'm conflicted on what to do. I can't tell grandma nor an elder. They wouldn't get past the "It's an internet relationship," part long enough to give me guidance. Praying...I prayed and prayed for guidance...and the way it came... It seems god wants me to end it, if that's the answer I got and I'm not just reading too much into it....
How can I follow my heart, and at the same time hope to save my life? And even if I succeeded in doing both, watch him lose his? I can see why they say only marry in the lord. Not just because there'd be physical conflict...but it also causes emotional pain, knowing even if you're happy now...they won't survive, and you'll only be together for the rest of this f'd up mortal life....And not even that. If it comes before next or the year after? We'll only be together over the internet and never see each other before it......
I have issues bringing up subjects without withdrawing into silence mode...so I can't talk to him about it. But I had others do it...and he's not even willing to learn enough about it before choosing. He's a humanitarian with christian/christendom morals......
The thing is, I can't end it! I don't want to end it! Even if I ended the realtionship and chose god... Walking away and getting over it? Not possible. He's too important to me...even if I ended it I wouldn't get over it. I'd still worry for his life, still be in conflict...and probably even more pain. If we stay together the same...... there's just no gray option.
I asked him this as an attempt."Fine, I have this question. Would you rather be with me forever or only what's left of this f****ed up mortal life?" and the answer he gave was... "Of course I would want to be with you forever. But considering the circumstances.."
I am at a loss....I honestly don't know what to do. I've read the threads here already...I don't intend on converting. So it's useless to give that answer...