by yknot 64 Replies latest members private
Y-Knot, sorry you are going through this. I don't have any personal advice. Maybe counseling would be best. At least he would have to own up to his behavior and the damage it has caused.
Hope things work out for you with the little ones and all. Best wishes, cl.
Hubby of course says no-big deal, it was 'harmless' and no real 'action' was ever taken.......
His reason: He was stupid, feeling lonely because I was out of town, and needing a ego boost......blah blah blah.....
I am really pissed off at his arrogant self serving attitude. He is justifying his behavior when he should hang his head and be ashamed. He should be saying "I am sorry, I just don't know whta came over me. I'll never do it again."
Get assertive and tell him you know you deserve better treatment than what he has been giving. Suggest maybe he needs a time out. Offer to pack the computer and his clothes for him. Don't be afraid to follow through. Stand your ground.
I know you are hurting bad. I am willing to bet that every soul on this planet has experienced the pain of betrayl. It is universal. And even though "no action was taken" ...there was an action taken. What comes out of the mouth originates in the heart.
Don't wimp out and don't take his excuses. Don't let him make you feel that you are at fault for "not being enough".
Aren't there some things around the house that he could have fixed or constructive things that he could have been doing with his time? Remind him of those things and chastise him for not thinking of his family. Suggest that maybe his family isn't really a priority anymore. Shame him, ynot! Quit being nice and don't let him off easy.
I am sorry this has happened to you. His attitude makes me mad.
I guess my experience from last spring is good for something, a warning. But I can honestly say I didn't go looking for someone else, it slyly snuck up until I was immersed so far I was dillusional.
Your husband is at the first steps toward the actual deed. Distance is no matter, airplains are in flight 24/7.
Either he snaps out of it and realizes what he has to lose, or he keeps it up until the damage is done.
But this is a trap that is very hard to get out of, especially if the other women are feeding him whatever he needs to hear.
Geez, how we humans can screw up great lives all on our own is amazing to me.
I think it needs looked at but is not the same as actual adultery. I am so sorry and hope you can work through it.
Please insist on counseling, and don't take no for an answer. How did the person who emailed you know what was going on?
We are all just animals, afterall. How much we let the animal out is up to us. Take the termite, for instance.
'But the Cornell biologist says she really had to laugh when she witnessed one example of off-again, on-again romance: "A male wandered off in search of a better mate but he had no luck. No one would have him. So he returned to his original mate. She assaulted him pretty severely for several minutes. Then she dragged him by the abdomen into a hole in their nest." '
Some animals mate for life, Humans aren't among them.
'Gibbon apes, wolves, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, French angel fish, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions (a seabird), red-tailed hawks, anglerfish, ospreys, prairie voles (a rodent), and black vultures — these are a few of the creatures that mate for life.' - http://www.usatoday.com/tech/columnist/aprilholladay/2005-02-25-wonderquest_x.htm
Here is the rest of the article about termites (Z. nevadensis), if you're interested:
'Contact: Roger Segelken
Office: (607) 255-9736
E-Mail: [email protected]
Reporting tomorrow (Jan. 22, 1999) in Proceedings of the Royal Society of London, Series B, Cornell University biologist Janet S. Shellman-Reeve describes the not-so-blissful scene on a rotting log when the seven-year itch occurs in the insect couple's first two hours.
-- Just an hour after landing on the log where she will spend most of her life with a newfound mate, a female termite might invite another male to the nest site to fight her mate for the right to father and raise her young.
-- A just-paired male can wander off in search of a better female.
-- Nest mates might fight each other when a potential suitor is near. Biting off the tip of a mate's antenna might squelch thoughts of separation, Shellman-Reeve hypothesizes.
Shellman-Reeve's study of the wood-dwelling, biparental termite Zootermopsis nevadensis marks the first scientific documentation of behavior called "mutual mate choice" among insect pairs that cooperatively provide long-term care for their young.
"Having second thoughts and choosing a better mate to share the heavy investment in parental care is a well-known strategy in vertebrates -- including humans -- but this is the first report of mutual mate choice in biparental insects," Shellman-Reeve says. "The process can be contentious and violent, but it makes sense. You want the best possible mate to help raise your offspring, and that's not always the first one you meet when you land on a log."
Her studies of Z. nevadensis, a species native to California woodlands, also show what is on the mind of mate-swapping termites: Females usually choose a male with a bigger head the second time around, while males go for females with bigger bodies and more lipid (fat) storage area. Big-headed males are better at ramming and biting their opponents while defending the nest, Shellman-Reeve explains. Big-bodied females are better suited, biologically speaking, for raising young.
Before her study of Z nevadensis honeymoons, Shellman-Reeve documented a pattern of termite homesteading that would make a mortgage banker proud. Within hours of flying to a likely log and making their ultimate mate choice, newly paired termites are building their future home. They erect concrete-like walls from their own fecal matter to keep interlopers away from the sections of the log they intend to mine. The nitrogen-rich cambium portion of trees is the most coveted by termites because other parts of wood are less nutritious for a growing family. The wood-mining colony, clustered around the original termite pair, can remain in place for years as offspring help with family duties, and one large log may host dozens of separate termite colonies. If the food runs out, termites sprout wings and look for another nitrogen-rich log to colonize.
Shellman-Reeve's latest study concentrated on the first 90 minutes of homesteading, when the nest site is just an unimproved, 2- or 3-centimeter spot on the log's surface. The Cornell biologist found both male and female termites willing to desert their home to search for someone better, but females are more likely to stay and invite a second male to the nest site as a way of securing a potentially better mate. Although male termites occasionally initiate what Shellman-Reeve terms the "stay-and-invite" strategy, they are more likely to follow a "leave-and-search" strategy for a better mate.
Whether at the nest or on the prowl, the dissatisfied mate rises up on its legs and begins a bouncy, stilt-walking motion while wiggling a section of its abdomen where a pheromone-producing gland is found. The airborne chemical sex-attractant in the pheromone and the characteristic posture are what advertises the termite's availability and interest in a better mate.
When termites of the same sex are battling for the affections of the opposite sex, the desired termite ceremoniously grooms each combatant in turn, as if to incite each to fight harder and prove its worth, Shellman-Reeve reports.
Almost comical is the reaction of one honeymooning termite when it detects a potential suitor for its nest mate. Instead of fighting the suitor, the termite assaults its mate. That's when intra-pair interaction gets nasty, Shellman-Reeve says.
But the Cornell biologist says she really had to laugh when she witnessed one example of off-again, on-again romance: "A male wandered off in search of a better mate but he had no luck. No one would have him. So he returned to his original mate. She assaulted him pretty severely for several minutes. Then she dragged him by the abdomen into a hole in their nest."
The study, "Courtship strategies and conflicts in a monogamous, biparental termite," was supported by Cornell, where Shellman-Reeve is a research associate in the Division of Neurobiology and Behavior. In a future study, Shellman-Reeve will use DNA fingerprinting techniques to determine whether her termites are truly mated for life -- or whether the urge to wander sometimes strikes again.
Related World Wide Web sites: The following sites provide additional information on this news release. Some might not be part of the Cornell University community, and Cornell has no control over their content or availability. '
S
Sometimes people are just greedy. They aren't satisfied with normal amounts of attention.
Put your foot down with the man. It's BS that an emotional affair is not a form of cheating. I have a friend whose friend has the wife of a husband she cheated with, threatening her through myspace at this time. Make no mistake, people can and do get hurt from cyber cheating.
What a thrilling termite soap opera, Satanus :)
However, I'm thinking those termites didn't take a vow to love, honor, cherish, and foresake all others. If the vow cannot be accomodated, I think that the person who has difficulty keeping their word should ask for a legal way out and face the consequences that will follow. Fooling around is just trying to have it both ways. I guess that's why they call it cheating.
Do termites have a conscience?
Do termites have a conscience?
Do cyber cheaters have consciences.
