Edultery.....

by yknot 64 Replies latest members private

• 

  Balsam

  I went through my now ex-husbands wandering eye for 20 years of my 1st marriage. I was reasonable, patient, we felt we could work it out. Even went on to have 3 sons, all this while we were JW's. The fact was my husband was not happy, I was not happy and we ended up staying together for the kids in the end. I finally made up my mind after the umpteenth time I was beating my head against the wall. You've got to go through the process though trying to figure out if it is worth the effort of saving. Frankly I wish I'd left him 20 years earlier but then my sons wouldn't have been born so I suppose everything has its positive aspects.

  Hope your hubby is willing to talk it out and get counseling. If he is into porn he is treading on dangerous ground. I have a son who became addicted to porn and now is in federal prison 10 yrs because of careless downloads and visits to bad sites. Lots of guys get online thinking no one sees what their doing, sounds like your hubby thought the same thing.

  Good luck hope you and he can resolve the problems and be happy,

  Ruth
• 

  sammielee24

  What about emotional cheating ?

  First, every individual has his or her own values, convictions and beliefs about how life best operates, and since couples are formed by individuals, they will also operate uniquely; no two couples will behave the same way or share the same rules. The challenge of all couples, then, is to decide their own rules and to engage in dialogue about what might or might not be considered "cheating." Of course, the essence of the solution here is communication. Are you talking with -- not to or at, but with -- each other about this situation? Have you had a talk about what your relationship defines as cheating? Clearly, that needs to happen first. Your husband may not be aware that you consider what he's doing to be cheating because he might have had a different set of beliefs about that form of communication (internet chatting, etc) going into your relationship.http://www.chinika.com/site3/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=121&Itemid=176

  Cal

  I do agree that each case is unique to the individuals involved. What I see as cheating, someone else may not. So what we really think is not relevant.

  I however, think that people who are alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, food addicts and all other addicts are emotional cheaters because they use a wall of addiction to mask who they really are and in summary, cheat all of the people in their lives from having a real relationship with them - that's a whole heck of a lot of emotinal cheaters and unless a person can get to the bottom of the issue they have to decide whether or not they stay or leave. Emotional cheaters cause a lack of trust in all cases and that becomes the crux of the issue. sammieswife.
• 

  daniel-p

  I know I'm chiming in here on the third page; I apologize if what I say was repeated before: But I'm convinced it doesn't take anything but ONE person and ONE heart to stray and threaten a marriage. I was told that by my mother once before (who has gone through 4 marriages, each with a different outcome), but it took 6+ years of marriage on my own to realize the truth to that as well. Everything at home can be going fine, the other mate can be fulfilling everything that they think needs to be fulfilled, and the other mate can let their heart stray in another direction regardless of how supposedly secure and fulfilling their home life is. Beyond that, I don't presume to know much.
• 

  yknot

  I just got back from my 2nd counseling session.

  Hubby's session is tomorrow but he has already spoken some to the husband half of our counseling duo .......

  Both feel we have a strong chance at recovery but to expect this to be a longer process then past counseling endeavors.

  My counseling homework is to journal (which I hate doing).

  Right now I am feeling very angry (which is a rarity). I tend to let things go quickly, apologize, make any amends, and start rebuilding quickly. I am the person in this relationship that usually offers the first olive branch to get things rolling...... I am vain but not very prideful.....But I just can't bring myself to do it this time...... If I do I feel like I am giving him a free pass and he will dismiss the seriousness of his actions.

  I am still being haunted by the 'what ifs'...... what if some had responded that was 'his type', 'STDs', 'pregnancies outside of our marriage', 'secret long-term affairs' and 'can this happen again'.

  I don't want to 'monitor' him either, I am not his mother!........However I know that documentation in filing a divorce is helpful if the other spouse trys to protest the filing..............This is when that old Theocratic Warfare concept clicks in my brain and I find myself acting like it is all a game of personal espionage. I made a big production of removing the old kidsafe program from our home computer......only to reinstall a different program while he was at work.......(My actions make me feel sick )

  By Tuesday night the entire KH had an opinion too.... division amongst the genders was clear. Women said leave now (or at the end of school) and men said forgive...... Generally speaking they are being very supportive and trying to be helpful.

  If the kids weren't here....... it would be a no-brainer......I would be GONE, with no remorse or regrets. I was a fair and good wife, but like everyone else I think I deserve a certain level of appreciation, respect, and loyalty.

  We have only seen each other once this week (tense and everybody was staring) , but talked on the phone several times which is a lot easier. Kids want things to be 'normal'.

  I don't wanna move back in with him....... I think my ego whats to be pursued and won over too...... I think I will look at rentals tomorrow.

  BTW.... the person who sent the notice wasn't acting with any malice, he is enduring quite bit of gossip as a result too. I am glad I was informed, as painful as this is, it is better to know then to not. In red pill versus blue pill decision I always go with truth.

  On the upside..... I have lost 5lbs and have increased my strength training by an additional day to help cope with my anxiety.

  Thank you again for all of yalls comments (they make me think a bit deeper), PMs (they have given me strenght and comfort), prayers and thoughts.......
• 

  Vinny

  I knew of a married elder with three kids that was pursuing another married ministerial servant's wife who also had three kids about the same age.
  
  He would talk to her about their running away together and many, "what if's", such as if they had met before starting their own families. He told her that he has dreams about her and wished one day when he went to go fly his airplane that she would show up to fly with him. He played his guitar for her as well as tried to work in service with her trying to hook up whenever possible.
  
  After this was all exposed and confronted, (due to the pursued wife telling her Ministerial servant husband about these advances/discussions) the elder himself confessed to it all, was deleted and reproved; and the wife of the ministerial servant was given private reproof as well for not coming forward sooner. (She said that she went to him in confidence as an elder, which he abused, and that she never reciprocated any of his feelings) but also realized that she never put a stop to his advances sooner as she could and should have done.
  
  So, in the end nothing at all happened. Not even a kiss.
  
  
  But, now, the wife of the snaking elder was PISSED. She was a tough cookie. A worker and a strong woman. Sounds like you, Ynot.
  
  
  At first she let the elder snake stay living with them because of the kids, but he was relegated to the dog house (couch).
  
  
  He would talk openly to me about everything. I told him how much he hurt her and that he needed to do whatever it took, regardless of how long it took him to apologize AND GROVEL to let her know he loved her.
  
  
  He said he told her he was sorry, that first night, but that she was not forgiving him (like Jesus taught), and was still mad at him and sending him to the dog house with no "relations" at all. (He really was a snake).
  
  
  I said, dude, you have a lot more apologizing to do if you REALLY WANT TO KEEP HER. You have humiliated her and crushed her. What do you expect? You need to do whatever it takes even if it takes months here.
  
  
  Yet He was never more than nonchalant about any of it. Never really apologized and meant it. Within a month she took her kids and moved in with her parents 1000 miles away. The last I heard, she divorced him and he was disfellowshipped out of the org, finding other new gals to have his good times with.
  
  The fact is our snaking elder would have if he could have and ultimately did.
  
  The bottom line, IMO, Ynot: If he is not truly CONTRITE here, truly comforting you and acknowledging his error, apologizing to the point that YOU KNOW he means it, and realizing how you have every right to be hurt by what he has done, then your marriage is in trouble.
  
  
  From what I can read into this I would think you ARE willing to forgive him.
  
  
  But he has to earn it first.
  
  
  Yet simply hasn't done that.
  
  
  And that sounds like a real problem here. I hope you stay strong and follow your convictions.
  
  
  I am sorry you have to go through this!
  
  
  All the best,
  
  Vinny
• 

  Vinny

  Correction:
  
  The wife of the ministerial servant did not come forward first. Her ministerial servant SUSPECTED something going on and confronted the snake elder, who admitted he had feelings for his wife. The ministerial servant then approached his wife who also acknowledged what happened. And then went to the elders.
  
  Though she did not initiate or reciprocate, she still realized she was in the wrong for not ending it and was contrite about it. The M.S. did forgive her and they are still together.
• 

  minimus

  Unless the husband recognizes his own issues, he won't change. He says he's bored. Bored with you, probably. He has to honestly express how he views you and himself. If he doesn't openly express his feelings and then mutually try to work things out, he simply will sneak.
• 

  LovesDubs

  trust....gone forever.

  Sex? Ok where has "it" been?

  Fidelity? poof
• 

  yknot

  From what I can read into this I would think you ARE willing to forgive him.
  
  
  But he has to earn it first.
  
  
  Yet simply hasn't done that.

  Vinny

  That nails it pretty much if I push aside all the rest of my feelings.....

  My counseling couple said I should accept the range of emotions first too and not rush too fast to swoop in a fix the damage he has done.

  This way I won't be bitter later on...... and if he doesn't earn it back...... well then it is all on him.

  Unless the husband recognizes his own issues, he won't change. He says he's bored. Bored with you, probably

  Valid and interesting points Min.....

  After discussing some more with his buddies I get the impression it has more to do with insecurity and change then actual boredom. I am going back to school and will be earning more yearly then him and he is apparently a bit apprehensive about turning forty next year.

  But even if he was bored of me............ (shock, dismay, oh hell no... I am the exciting thrill seeker in this duo!, a virtual sexual encyclopedia and am happy to demonstrate!.... I can even do the splits both ways!.... and have given lessons to sisters on how to give BJs!),.... relationships ebb and tide...... we take for granted one minute and appreciate the next.....

  Bored....PISH.....Maybe I just wore him out...... the girls he was chatting with were all older then him.......(Hmm maybe I should inquire if he thinks I am not 'mature' enough)

  Did yall know after a man turns 40 his chances of filing for a divorce decreases by 50%, while women of the same age increase by 50%.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  I can tell you from the way my two husbands acted AFTER I was gone, sometimes it takes losing a spouse to appreciate a spouse. In other words, it can take a long separation or divorce to make a cheater learn that do indeed love only you.