KH 1st timer, could use some advice

by rathernotsay 61 Replies latest jw friends

  • dozy

    I think you'll find the Memorial very much a non-event. I always used to be quite embarrassed when worldly ones came along for their first meeting.

    It's really , really boring - basically a rather confusing talk for maybe 40 minutes mainly composed of telling people that they shouldn't partake of the emblems ( bread & wine ) which are then passed around in a rather bizarre fashion - like a curious variant of pass the parcel. Maybe some nutjob job of a JW who think they are "anointed" will take a sip ( typically a middle aged woman in a silly hat. ) If you google the forum you'll see the Memorial talk outline that the Watchtower society gives the speaker which they have to stick to rigidly.

    The talk concludes with something of a guilt trip that the listener needs to "show appreciation for Jesus sacrifice" which essentially is defined as attending JW meetings regularly and knocking on doors unpaid distributing Society literature. You'll be encouraged to attend a "special talk" a week or 2 later.

    I would be civil , friendly , don't get there too early & leave quite soon afterward ( with two young kids that shouldn't be a problem - it can be a real ordeal keeping the kids quiet ). You are defined as a "worldly unbelieving husband" and an obvious target for conversion , so beware of elders asking if they can pop along sometime to your house to have a chat.

    Remember that most JWs nowadays are 2nd / 3rd / 4th generation & it is basically a social thing for them - they don't really take it too seriously & won't be bothered in trying to convert you. Doubtless some will have a brief chat with you at the KH - keep it focused on the weather , rugby . football , cricket or whatever. I do know quite a few non-JW husbands who attend the Memorial every year just to keep the peace without any intention of converting. Think of it as the equivalent of being dragged round the shopping mall every few months to accompany your wife buying clothes.

  • _Morpheus

    in your last thread you asked if you should make her leave her religion to prove her faithfulness. now your suggesting you may go to the hall instead. there seems to be a disconnect in these thoughts, a lack of vision or pathway to restore your relationship and your flittering from one extreme to another in an attempt to simply try something, anything, to make it work.

    this seems a bad idea. going will only give her hope you will join the church and will validate her desire to keep going. you two have much bigger issues with her being so much younger than you and both of you seeming a bit unprepared for the demands of marriage and parenthood.

    professional counciling will help vastly more than a trip to her local cult recruiting center.

  • Slave4_38y

    If you have to go, here's some do's and don’ts that might help you:

    Attire: You can't go wrong with a suit and tie. Nothing in Spanx. No colored socks. No Tight pants. No Sparlock Lives! T-shirts. Cover up tattoos and remove piercings and novelty contact lenses (e.g. glow in the dark, cat-eye or alien). Trim your nose and ear hair. If you have a mullet try to hide it by having a proper haircut. If you have long hair, tie a ponytail. Only ONE ponytail, not two or three. Remove any remnants of nail polish left after the fancy-dress you've been to the weekend before. Remove your platinum and white gold "Grim Reapers do it in the end" ring. Hide or remove your saint Christopher necklace.

    Before the meeting: Arrive quietly. No screeching tyres. Don't honk your horn with the aftermarket “is-any-bo-dy-at-home” jingle. Leave your coolbox in the trunk. You should have had something to eat and drink at home. You should not have had half a pound of garlic if you plan to converse at close courters with anybody. You should have had your last alcoholic beverage 24 hours before the event – unless you’re giving a talk, then it drops to thirty minutes before the event. Try not to smoke cigarettes or a pipe before the meeting. Although it does help to smoke some recreation green herbs to numb the effects of the waffle you are about to hear. You may under no circumstances partake of any red wine or unleavened bread should said items pass your nose. No! Don’t even think about it. Not even if you had a vision of some dude in white robes telling you you’re going to heaven and should partake. Not even if the dude in white robes gave you a automated numbering ticket. Not even if the dude in white robes said that papa J is okay with it. No! Don’t even think about it. You may sniff said items but that is frowned upon. When greeting, smile politely and say “good day”. Not “good day mate”, not “how’s it hanging bro”, not “wazaaap homey”. Have a firm (not TOO firm) handshake. Dubs from 2 to 88, male or female, must be greeted this way. Do not try to kiss any females. If you cannot control the urge, try to keep the kiss short (less than two seconds). No tongue! Don’t look at anyone’s breasts, not even your wife’s! Stay clear of dubs older than 88. All of them are extremely pissed off at being duped into the cult for so long and that it’s futile to try to leave now. When entering the KH, make a bee-line for your seat and stay there. That’s your little domain for the next hour or so. If anyone wants to chat to you, they will have to enter YOUR domain. If you pass a painting of a lot of happy people in a HUGE garden filled with tigers, lions and such, do not stop and stare. Do not draw a moustache on the Italian looking chick (in the painting) with a black permanent marker pen. Give short answers when questioned by busy-bodies, e.g. “yes”, “no”, “about 24 hours ago”, “I’ve read that book already”, “maybe” and “I could, but I hate it when my yin/yang clashes with my feng shui. It’s bad karma”.

    During the meeting: Do not try to sing along during the opening song. Lip-sync to keep up appearances. You may squint your eyes during prayer in order to survey your surrounding properly but do not get caught by the 4 year old five seats from you, especially if the surroundings you are surveying happen to be his mothers breasts. Do not attempt to dislodge that piece of dried mucus stuck up your left nostril. Statistics show that 69,2 percent of dubs squint their eyes during prayer so you will be caught out. With opening prayer finished the real fun begins! What happens next is mind numbing! If you have ADD or ADHD you are screwed. If you have more than 74 brain cells you are screwed. If you have Freudian anal retentiveness you are screwed. If you suffer from OCD you are screwed. If you have an anxiety disorder you are screwed. Come to think of it, the only way you could stomach what’s coming next is if you have been systematically brainwashed over a period of time to the state of delusion most dubs find themselves at. I cannot mentally prepare you for this part. Good luck. Physical manifestations of the mental anguish you are enduring are not allowed. Keep looking at the speaker throughout the discourse and nod knowingly every ten minutes or so. You may, no SHOULD, look up every scripture quoted. At first it is discouraging to try the open at the right book, chapter and verse in the 4 and a half seconds it takes the speaker to look it up. (He has it printed in his notes by the way). Try to open your bible in the near vicinity of where the scripture will be read. If it’s Geneses, open your bible in the beginning. Revelation is at the end and Matthew is about three courters of the way in. Use your finger to mock-point at the section being read. Move your lips in sync with what the speaker is reading. Try not to look like a retard in doing that. Under no circumstances do you put your hand up. You do not need permission to take toilet breaks but try not to abuse this loving arrangement by Jehovah. Do not put your hand up during any question and answer sessions . . . ever. Do not point to something interesting like the spider cascading down one of the down-lighters. Do not put your arms around your wife during the meeting or hold her hand during song or prayer. This has been known to cause impulsive orgasms in some of the young pubescent teens witnessing your act of love towards your spouse. The modus operandi for closing song and prayer is the same as opening song and prayer.

    After the meeting: Give short answers when questioned by busy-bodies, e.g. “yes”, “no”, “about 26 hours ago”, “I’ve read that book already”, and “are you f&*$ng mad?”. Yes, use that last sentence even if a hint of profanity lurks between this seemingly innocent suggestion/question. Use it when asked: “Did you enjoy the meeting?”, “will we be seeing you again?”, “would you like a home based super duper dub bible study?” and “can I have my black permanent marker pen back?”. Make for the exit in an orderly but firm fashion.

    When Leaving: Leave quietly. No screeching tyres. Don't honk your horn with the aftermarket “is-any-bo-dy-at-home” jingle. Do not be tempted to grab a beer out of the coolbox in the trunk. Do not be tempted to relieve your nicotine withdrawal in ANY way or form. Do not yell out the window “See you later alligator, after a while paedophile”.

    Congratulations! You’ve survived you first meeting at a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

  • Giordano

    She wants me to come to the memorial, she thinks that would be a better one for me to come to for whatever reason.

    There a couple of reason's first off it doesn't expose you to the quirky side of normal meetings.......... secondly there will be a number of non JW's invited by family or friends.

    Another reason your wife might have for you attending is that she gets to show the congregation and any of her family that her husband is in the process of or has forgiven her and you and your family are together. It is important that those in a position of authority recognize that you retain headship of your family. That is a big deal among the JW's.

    As you sit there remember the following. According to the Pew Survey on Religion in the USA...... The JW's are 2nd to last in higher education and income. They also have a poor retention rate with over 60 % of born-ins leaving.

    An important resource for you besides this forum is ........the facts part of that site is because they use the WTBTS publications as the source to counter claims and the convenient 'memory lose' that JW's demonstrate when it comes to all of the flip flops in their belief system.

    For the time being repair the marriage and understand enough about JW beliefs to counter the propaganda your children will be exposed to.

  • Giordano
    Very funny Slave 4. Wife wants to know what I was laughing about.
  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    Dont go, just don't. Dont start going, dont think about starting going, dont mention anything about you thinking of going to your wife, if you have then make steps to undo that nonsense right now.

    As well as being a wastefest, it will look like you are checking up on the men your wife meets and you will look like a possessive fool. so it is lose lose if you go. So dont bother.

  • rathernotsay

    @slave4... that is some funny shit. Always good to start a day with a laugh. Thanks.

    @morpheus... yeah I agree theres disconnected thoughts there. But please considet that my head has been all over the show since it all happened. I considered asking her to leave more to prove her loyalty. I can now see that this isnt thr right approach for a number of reasons. Largely as her friends and family would shun her, which would make her miserable, and the kids would be without their grandparents who they love so dearly. I can see this was a silly idea.

  • FayeDunaway

    Definitely stand your ground in the christmas/birthdays. However your children WILL be made to feel very guilty for continuing to celebrate them, so like I said, make sure you reach them that they have their own minds and don't need to be bossed around or made to feel bad by doing things differently than others.

    your wife wants you to go to the memorial first because there's lots of visitors at the memorial and it's not so unusual for new people to be there. You won't make as much of a scene as going to a regular meeting.

  • Mad Irishman
    Mad Irishman
    If you go wear a tie and a neat sports jacket. There's not too much to fear aside from people being nice to you or someone who might be a little too talkative. If you're lucky you'll hear a good talk. Worse case scenario is you'll be bored.
  • Viviane
    Slam that wine like it's going out of style. And bring some salami and cheese for the crackers.

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