If you have to go, here's some do's and don’ts that might
Attire: You can't go wrong with a suit and tie. Nothing in
Spanx. No colored socks. No Tight pants. No Sparlock Lives! T-shirts. Cover up tattoos
and remove piercings and novelty contact lenses (e.g. glow in the dark, cat-eye
or alien). Trim your nose and ear hair. If you have a mullet try to hide it by
having a proper haircut. If you have long hair, tie a ponytail. Only ONE
ponytail, not two or three. Remove any remnants of nail polish left after the
fancy-dress you've been to the weekend before. Remove your platinum and white
gold "Grim Reapers do it in the end" ring. Hide or remove your saint
Before the meeting: Arrive quietly. No screeching tyres.
Don't honk your horn with the aftermarket “is-any-bo-dy-at-home” jingle. Leave
your coolbox in the trunk. You should have had something to eat and drink at
home. You should not have had half a pound of garlic if you plan to converse at
close courters with anybody. You should have had your last alcoholic beverage
24 hours before the event – unless you’re giving a talk, then it drops to
thirty minutes before the event. Try not to smoke cigarettes or a pipe before
the meeting. Although it does help to smoke some recreation green herbs to numb
the effects of the waffle you are about to hear. You may under no circumstances
partake of any red wine or unleavened bread should said items pass your nose.
No! Don’t even think about it. Not even if you had a vision of some dude in
white robes telling you you’re going to heaven and should partake. Not even if
the dude in white robes gave you a automated numbering ticket. Not even if the
dude in white robes said that papa J is okay with it. No! Don’t even think
about it. You may sniff said items but that is frowned upon. When greeting,
smile politely and say “good day”. Not “good day mate”, not “how’s it hanging
bro”, not “wazaaap homey”. Have a firm (not TOO firm) handshake. Dubs from 2 to
88, male or female, must be greeted this way. Do not try to kiss any females.
If you cannot control the urge, try to keep the kiss short (less than two
seconds). No tongue! Don’t look at anyone’s breasts, not even your wife’s! Stay
clear of dubs older than 88. All of them are extremely pissed off at being
duped into the cult for so long and that it’s futile to try to leave now. When
entering the KH, make a bee-line for your seat and stay there. That’s your
little domain for the next hour or so. If anyone wants to chat to you, they
will have to enter YOUR domain. If you pass a painting of a lot of happy people
in a HUGE garden filled with tigers, lions and such, do not stop and stare. Do
not draw a moustache on the Italian looking chick (in the painting) with a
black permanent marker pen. Give short answers when questioned by busy-bodies, e.g.
“yes”, “no”, “about 24 hours ago”, “I’ve read that book already”, “maybe” and “I
could, but I hate it when my yin/yang clashes with my feng shui. It’s bad karma”.
During the meeting: Do not try to sing along during the opening
song. Lip-sync to keep up appearances. You may squint your eyes during prayer
in order to survey your surrounding properly but do not get caught by the 4
year old five seats from you, especially if the surroundings you are surveying
happen to be his mothers breasts. Do not attempt to dislodge that piece of
dried mucus stuck up your left nostril. Statistics show that 69,2 percent of
dubs squint their eyes during prayer so you will be caught out. With opening prayer
finished the real fun begins! What happens next is mind numbing! If you have
ADD or ADHD you are screwed. If you have more than 74 brain cells you are screwed.
If you have Freudian anal retentiveness you are screwed. If you suffer from OCD
you are screwed. If you have an anxiety disorder you are screwed. Come to think
of it, the only way you could stomach what’s coming next is if you have been systematically
brainwashed over a period of time to the state of delusion most dubs find themselves
at. I cannot mentally prepare you for this part. Good luck. Physical
manifestations of the mental anguish you are enduring are not allowed. Keep
looking at the speaker throughout the discourse and nod knowingly every ten
minutes or so. You may, no SHOULD, look up every scripture quoted. At first it
is discouraging to try the open at the right book, chapter and verse in the 4
and a half seconds it takes the speaker to look it up. (He has it printed in
his notes by the way). Try to open your bible in the near vicinity of where the
scripture will be read. If it’s Geneses, open your bible in the beginning.
Revelation is at the end and Matthew is about three courters of the way in. Use
your finger to mock-point at the section being read. Move your lips in sync
with what the speaker is reading. Try not to look like a retard in doing that. Under
no circumstances do you put your hand up. You do not need permission to take
toilet breaks but try not to abuse this loving arrangement by Jehovah. Do not
put your hand up during any question and answer sessions . . . ever. Do not
point to something interesting like the spider cascading down one of the down-lighters.
Do not put your arms around your wife during the meeting or hold her hand
during song or prayer. This has been known to cause impulsive orgasms in some
of the young pubescent teens witnessing your act of love towards your spouse.
The modus operandi for closing song and prayer is the same as opening song and
After the meeting: Give short answers when questioned by
busy-bodies, e.g. “yes”, “no”, “about 26 hours ago”, “I’ve read that book
already”, and “are you f&*$ng mad?”. Yes, use that last sentence even if a hint
of profanity lurks between this seemingly innocent suggestion/question. Use it
when asked: “Did you enjoy the meeting?”, “will we be seeing you again?”, “would
you like a home based super duper dub bible study?” and “can I have my black
permanent marker pen back?”. Make for the exit in an orderly but firm fashion.
When Leaving: Leave quietly. No screeching tyres. Don't honk
your horn with the aftermarket “is-any-bo-dy-at-home” jingle. Do not be tempted
to grab a beer out of the coolbox in the trunk. Do not be tempted to relieve
your nicotine withdrawal in ANY way or form. Do not yell out the window “See
you later alligator, after a while paedophile”.
Congratulations! You’ve survived you first meeting at a
Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.