Sorry that you are experiencing this. You are likely correct that you have read more into it than was intended - that is a healthly way to deal with it in either case.
Hope to see you back with a big smile soon.
Jeff [of the 'in your court' class]
Have you ever just felt crushed by what someone has said to you?
by Hope4Others 62 Replies latest jw friends
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FlyingHighNow
Words can hurt for sure. Especially when they catch you at a vulnerable time. Your PM to me today was very kind and I appreciate that you sent it. I hope no one has hurt you. And if someone has, I hope that you find the answers you need here in this thread or in the words of someone you speak with directly.
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caliber
cognizant dissident,
I really appreciate all the hard work & brutal honesty you have put into this post. Your persistence in your points clearly
show your conviction & deep-seated belief. Not often do I say this but your thoughts here will definitely be added to my
life's plan &approach ! Words to remember 1.choice, 2.giving power 3. crushing words only if we identify &believe
4.words are not true in themselves 5.no one can take our self-esteem without permission 6.only external esteem can be taken away
Thank-you !
Caliber
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cognizant dissident
Thanks Caliber
Much appreciated!
Cog
edited to add: Those things are not really "my words". I can't take credit for what many people, much wiser than I, have helped me to understand over the years. I owe a debt of gratitude to a couple of very wise counselors and some great authors that they have shared with me.
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changeling
Hi Hope4Others: I hope you're feeling better today. Since this thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own I've sent you a PM.
changeling :)
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caliber
As with almost all issues there two sides to the coin both with valid shades of meaning .Even terms themselves can
skew & confuse the issue if understood in different context & degrees.This is why it is always good not to become so
entrenched in your viewpoint that we fail to See the just as valid points that only on the surface invalidate your point
& give full merit to the other view !
"The mark of wisdom is to understand opposites, then to balance them"
There is always the offended and the offender ! The other side of the coin says we are all humans with emotions
not robots. If we wish to approach people with open arms our heart is exposed . I for one do not approach with
plated steel & Armour ! Only if we were at war, need we play by war rules ! Just try to understand opposites &
always exercise compassion.
Caliber
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cognizant dissident
If we wish to approach people with open arms our heart is exposed . I for one do not approach with
plated steel & Armour ! Only if we were at war, need we play by war rules ! Just try to understand opposites &
always exercise compassion.
Very wise words Caliber. It is very frightening to leave ourselves exposed and vulnerable. I have some pretty strong armour myself, which tends to be arguing out of logic and rationality and ignoring feelings which seem unpredictable and dangerous to me. When I let down the armour, I do feel vulnerable to the crushing words of others also.
I think, ultimately, it is a balancing act. Some people are warlike and aggressive in nature and would do us harm for no reason. It would be foolish to let down our armour in front of them. With others, we can learn to trust that they mean us no harm and show our soft spots trusting that they won't poke them!
The most difficult I think is to show compassion for those who would do us harm and understand that they obtained their "warlike" nature through years of conditioning experiences also. I guess that is the highest spiritual practice, as Christ said, to love one's enemies. Not that I'm a Christian anymore, but I admit JC said a wise thing or two in his day!
Cog
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R.Crusoe
I think the crushing is all the more anaesthetising when it is a response or condemnation of your years of self sacrifice and perpetual goodwill and love.
Sometimes your whole soul opens wide with a cut from a sharply honed attitude in another/others which simply leaves you oozing blood from your inner soul and wondering why!
I believe the experience is like a breavement whilst noone has died.
Most peculiar and an immensely grieving experience. Maybe such things mutate who we are and I'm unsure about any positives, apart from possible wisdom that they bestow on us.
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White Dove
FHN,
Well said! Those with rock hard self esteem tend to like to simplify it into a few little broadly defined words. Those words mean nothing to the hurting one.
You hit the nail on the head. That is a pat statement that no one can give up self esteem if they don't allow it, or something like that. Well guess what? Those rude people TAKE IT. STEAL IT! Or they trample someone down further who was already down. Smart statements are worthless unless one knows how to keep their self esteem or grow it. Simply saying that no one can take it without your permission is wasted words if one doesn't know how to grow it or keep it in the first place.
I'm currently learning how to redefine hurtful words. "Don't allow it" aren't good words to describe what goes on in the hurt person's mind. There must be a redefining of the rudeness. It's a long learning process that is not easy like that statement makes it sound like.
"No one can hurt you unless you let them" is a statement of affirmation for those who have already mastered "letting it run off a duck's back." It takes a lot of work to get to that point.
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cognizant dissident
Smart statements are worthless unless one knows how to keep their self esteem or grow it. Simply saying that no one can take it without your permission is wasted words if one doesn't know how to grow it or keep it in the first place.
A simple statement of truth, often opens up the idea of a new paradigm for those who may have been unaware of an alternate possibility. Then the real work begins. One cannot begin to work towards a possibility that one does not even know exists. To tell a person who has been abused and who has no self esteem that "You don't have to live this way anymore. You do have a choice. You do have the power to make that choice" is not wasted words. It is often the beginning of hope.
I'm currently learning how to redefine hurtful words. "Don't allow it" aren't good words to describe what goes on in the hurt person's mind. There must be a redefining of the rudeness. It's a long learning process that is not easy like that statement makes it sound like.
"Rudeness" is a rather vague term. What is rude in one persons eyes may not offend another person at all. What is considered rude also varies from culture to culture and "hurt" can arise often simply due to a lack of shared meanings and definitions. So, if that is the case, then redefining "rude" can be helpful to consider another's perspective/meanings and realize intent to hurt or offend may not have existed. Where meanings are shared, and intent to offend or hurt is obviously intended, then "Don't allow it!" ARE very good words of advice, in my opinion.
"No one can hurt you unless you let them" is a statement of affirmation for those who have already mastered "letting it run off a duck's back." It takes a lot of work to get to that point.
Yes, it does, as I pointed out numerous times in my previous posts. Still, it does no harm to share the vision of the end point with someone already on the path or someone who would like to start on it.
Cog