God dammit!!! I hate this cult!

by bluesbreaker59 67 Replies latest jw friends

  • hotspur

    Welcome to the club BB59!

    My mother is not attending our wedding this Friday for all the usual, screwed up, crazy JW reasons!

    I've tried everything I can to get her to come.... no joy! In fact, if she was to come now it would be most upsetting... I've just come to terms with the fact and I'm not letting it get to me!

    My wife-to-be has offered to transport her, (160 miles) put her into hotels etc,. No way ... "Hotspur can explain why I just can't be there". Ummmm - no I can't. I can't offer one sensible reason! Not one..... She even had the temerity to ask for her corsage to be sent to her that we ordered! Wife-to-be's response is unrepeatable! My daughter (in) was asked to take some pictures for her grand-mum. Son-in-law's (also in) response was, "If you want some photos come and takes them yourself!"

    Whatever I reason I give I'll let you know after our Honeymoon! Actually, I won't ever give a reason..... she has ownership of this one - not me!

    I do know this has caused a big problem for the furture relationship with her new daughter-in-law. I said I'd never speak to her again.... if that's what she wants. If whe wants to use those rules then no communication it is! New wife-to-be said, "That'll make you just like the witlesses". Good point..... who will crumble?

  • Rabbit


    I'm sorry you are going to be another in a long line without all their family joining in the joy on a very special day. 1/2 of my family are JW's, so when I remarried to a non-JW, we had a civil ceremony, by a JP, in a community center...all to try and appease the Dubs WT Trained Conscience ™.

    I was not DF/DA, but, my ex had forced, what the elders called, an "unscriptural" divorce on me. Since there was no adultery, etc. they condemned both of us to a threat of disfellowshipping -- for adultery -- if we ever remarried.

    I waited several years, celibate, until I decided to move on with my life. I decided to be very public with my marriage. I had done nothing wrong and didn't want to act like it. I was happy and proud of the woman I was marrying. I invited ALL my dub relatives and 'friends'...not 1 showed up !

    I found out later, the scuttlebutt was, I was gonna get DF for adultery AND "becoming un-evenly yoked with an unbeliever." They didn't want to take any chances by supporting me (guilt by association) even if I was the innocent spouse.

    We had a GREAT wedding. Many, many smiling, kind, but at the same time, evil, worldly relatives asked me..."Where are your children ? Bros. & sisters ? Cousins ? Aunts & uncles ?"

    I just smiled and told them, "They just couldn't make it." "ALL of them ??", they asked. See ? They saw the pattern...hmmmm...Wait! They're all Witnesses !

    Without saying much at all, I got across my point. Several folks took me aside to say how sorry they were, "...that those people would try to spoil your wedding, over a stupid religion." They were not happy at all. Some asked me, "But, I thought you were a Witness, too?" And, "Well WE went to all their weddings! I explained I had stopped going to meetings. They said, "Good. But, so what?" That's a long story...

    Those worldly people don't know much about JW's do they ?

    I hope your Dad changes his mind. Right now, he's under extreme social pressure to conform -- or else.

    Have a good, happy marriage day. Your guests will figure out what's going on and will be polite, because it is yours and your brides special day.

  • anewme

    If you truly want to be "Happy Ever After" then you need to develop a stronger sense of self and self-love and confidence in your own heart's wisdom. As someone else said, do not look so much to others for approval.

    It is normal to grieve when close family members withdraw their support. But remember THEY are the ones doing the withdrawing. You on the other hand are extending the loving invitation to be a part of your life in the future by attending your important day.

    You might even calmly inform your father of your earnest feelings of deep hurt by his plans not to attend and also inform him of your firm decision to remove him from your life for his insult to you and your new wife. Tell him it means that much to you. It will be his decision then.

    After that, return your attention to your own life and happy plans for the future!

    To pine away for those people who show you little respect, regard or love is to make a huge mistake in life.


  • anewme

    On second thought you could take Hortensia's advice and minimize the insult and just say "Well you will be missed Dad" and as advised just go on with your plans.

    That way you make no dire predictions for the future. You actually do not invest alot of emotion into the whole shunning scene at all.

    I think it would be smart to memorize a couple of great responses to the questions about your family's absence that makes you look good, generous and above it all.

  • jamiebowers

    As thrilling a thought it is to me to give national exposure of this dangerous cult through Miss Manners or the like, I'm afraid it wouldn't work. The name of the evil cult would probably be edited out and replaced with a generic title such as Christian fundamentalist. Please try not to feel too badly about your dad's regrets for attendance at your wedding. I heard that a woman in my old congregation was forbidden by the elders to attend her son's wedding, even though he was never even baptized, it's not going to be held in a church, and a judge, not a pastor will be officiciating. Their reasoning was avoiding worldly association.

    As for an explanation to people at your wedding, I would have an announcement made at the beginning of the reception that goes something like this: Thank you all for sharing in the joy of our wedding day. Unfortunately, some in my family chose not to attend due to their religious beliefs. It is sad, but it won't stop us from having a memorable day. Now, let's all CELEBRATE!

    Leave it at that, and let your dad and other jw relatives answer for their own ignorance. Good luck and God bless!

  • jamiebowers

    One last thought... jws should NEVER have access to your children or anyone else's.

  • crapola

    I really feel bad for you. I went through a similar experience when my daughter got married. She married a "worldy man" and the ceremony was performed by a preacher from the church her husband attended. Even though they got married in a park on a Saturday, only 3 of my friends from the K H was there. And actually that surprised me. Then a couple of weeks later I get a call from an elder who says I should not have asked the 3 that were there to come and help at the reception. They were guilty of taking part in a religous ceremony. I just could'nt believe it. For one thing they volunteered their help, so apparently they did'nt see a problem with it.And the whole wedding ceremony lasted maybe 10 min. There was'nt even anything mentioned that was of a religous nature. Oh well, that's just part of the control the org. tries to keep on us.And that's part of the reason I'm no longer in it.But hang in there. Your Dad will be the loser in the long run because he will miss out on your happy day.

  • BurnTheShips
    It might work to try to use this. Say to your father something like: "Dad, if you can't be at the wedding can you just do me one small favour". When he asks what it is, explain that you'll be inviting people he knows and you don't want to have to deal with telling them why he's not there, so you want him to do it. Ask him to call up whatever friends and relatives would expect to see him and say to them: "I'm not going to my son's wedding because he's no longer a member of my religion." (or whatever his reasons are, if not that) It's the least he could do and it would certainly be a "good witness".

    Thats how you turn the tables. The ridiculousness of not going to your own sons wedding over this should embarass him and make him think.


  • AudeSapere
    FD wrote: Ask him to call up whatever friends and relatives would expect to see him and say to them: "I'm not going to my son's wedding because he's no longer a member of my religion." (or whatever his reasons are, if not that) It's the least he could do and it would certainly be a "good witness".


  • MsBHaving

    Bluesbreaker, welcome to the board.

    My daughter was married last November and a similar situation occured. My husband and I as well as our children and numerous other family members have all faded away over the last 10 years, none of us are DF'd. However, there are a few die hards still hanging onto the "CULT" .

    My husbands mother showed up at my daughters door a few days before her wedding to inform her that she wouldn't be able to come because something else came up... mind you this was after she sent back her reply card with a YES... nowwhat else can come up that would conflict with your grandaughters wedding, other than you planned on being dead or something. Anyway the long story short is that she went to the elders in the congregation and asked them what she should do, and they told her not to come. Dumbass can't think for herself. Its painful and we have had many years of this kind of CHIT with the JW"S ... Part of the reason why I no longer want to be associated with hateful people. These people are so brainwashed.

    So anyway, do the right thing and send the invitation, don't offer excuses to anyone for your fathers behavior. ENJOY your day! He is the Loser in the end.

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