What options do you have when it's a wife and mother that acts like this?
Lazy teenager....need help before I lose it!!!
by snarf 47 Replies latest jw friends
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MeneMene
I agree with what logic said. I think it's a hormonal thing. When she hit 13 all of a sudden she turned into the biggest slob I have ever seen.
We started a new arrangement. Everyone was responsible for their own clothes. My son washed his, my daughter washed hers and I did my own. We had a community bin for towels and used them 2 or 3 times between washings.
If she did not wash and put away her own clothes, she had nothing to wear. When her cat threw up on her bed it did not bother her in the least. I fussed for a few days and it did no good. I learned to just close her door. If that was the way she wanted to live I allowed her to.
I did not learn until she was much older that teenagers need a lot more sleep. It's not just being lazy. There is a biological reason for SOME of their actions. But you also need to be aware of other issues such as alcohol and drugs/METH (see the thread on METH someone started a day or two ago.) My daughter was sneaking around drinking with her best friend.
The silver lining is she is 34 and turned out like logic's daughter. She is almost obsessively clean. It was funny when I was living out of town and I would visit her - if I left any of my "stuff" on the bathroom counter I would come back to find it gone!! After searching I would find it put out of sight in the cabinet or drawer. (I sooo enjoyed leaving a few little things out just to watch her reactions. Payback can be such fun.) -
jaguarbass
Behavior originates from within. People act out their behavior to get their needs met.
So you have to talk to your teenager and explain that behavior has consequenses. And explain the consequenses for the unexceptable behavior.
Those consequenses are up to you to determine. And it takes effort.
It sounds like you and your husband are absent much of the time. Which is probably typical with young parents raising teenagers. So with out supervision, it would be difficult.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. It sounds like you need support and help. What about camp? Some kind of school club? A reward for acceptable behavior.
Your daughter needs a hobby, desire or interest to pursue. A direction and motivation.
Telling you what to do is kind of hard once the horse is out of the barn.
A child is like something that grows, if it is tended and nurtured from an early it state it can grow into a fine piece of vegetation. If it has been neglected for years, you have a weed. It is kind of difficult to groom a weed at the end of the growing season.
Only you know how much fertilizer and grooming you have done over the years. Now is the time to tweak the past.
Teens are difficult. Being a parent is difficult. I dont know how you want to fill in the blanks but the above is kind of an outline of the rules.
Good luck
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Anony-Mouse
How old is she?
If shes close to 17, I have the perfect solution!
She just needs a boyfreind!
Call me :P . -
skeeter1
I listened to James Dobson (Focus on the Family) about how to handle teenagers. His mother did some of the following to him, and it worked.
Right now, you are the enemy & fighting with her. You've got to get on her side.
#1. Make a list of all the "freedoms" she will have when she turns 18. Go over the list with her.
Drive car. Form contract. Buy clothes. Work. Own car. Able to join military. Able to stay out late, late, late. Go to college/school. Rent an apartment. Get into ALOT of debt.
#2. As she grows towards reaching 18, she needs to take on more & more responsibility in order to get more freedoms. Tell her that your job is to try (as best as you can) to make sure that she's a responsible person & is able to handle adult life. Show her the plan, and stick to it. Most importantly, let her fall & learn how to pick herself up. A dirty room is the least of your worries.
For example, at 13 years old...she's old enough to be given money to buy her entire (yes, entire) wardrobe. Explain to her that if she blows her whole wad of cash on 1 pair of jeans...she must wear that 1 pair of jeans for the entire year. Don't let her borrow your clothes. Let her go out & learn. She will not die.
At 13 years old...she's old enough to put her clothes in the hamper. Explain to her that unclean clothes smell funny, and that other kids will notice her body odor. Explain that you are on "her side" and just want to warn her that stinky clothes will get her laughed at. Then, let her go out & learn. She will not die from an unclean room or from stinky clothes. Close the door for your own sanity.
At 14 years old...she's old enough to do small jobs. Perhaps she can sell Avon to her classmates? She will learn the value of a dollar, the value of keeping her own books, getting customers, keeping customers, etc.
At 15 years old...she'll have her learner's permit. She's old enough to drive you around to the stores, take car to the oil shop, to the car wash, etc. Get her in the habit of wearing a seat belt. Get her a meeting with your insurance agent. Have your agent calculate the price of insurance on a new Camaro, on a DUI, etc.
At 16 years old, she's old enough to have a summer job to pay for her own car insurance. If you buy her a car, you may want to title it in her own name (without your name on it). Yes, she will wreck it. (But, if you are on the title / insurance....you are liable in many states...so check with an attorney.....it's probably best it's in her own name). She will get a sense of ownership, and you will not have to worry about being personally sued. Make sure you get her a good running car. She doesn't need to be at the mercy of strangers.
At 17 years old, leave her at home for the weekend. See what she does. She'll do it at 18.
At 17 years old, she's old enough to balance your checkbook, and prepare all of the checks to pay the bills (you sign, of course). Show her about credit card debt & how long it takes to pay off a purchase at 23% interest. If she goes to college, Citibank & all the rest will be there to "give" her a credit card.
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Other than that....keep her busy. Physically tired kids are great kids. Mentally tired kids are whiney butts. Bored kids are dope heads. Can you get her in extra-curricular sports, dancing (something cool like "hip hop", etc? Perhaps there's a late school bus that can take her home afterwards? Or another parent/grandparent that can be a taxi.
I worked with a high powered professional woman. She demanded to leave her job at 3:00 every day once her daughter turned 13. The after school hours are dangerous. If you can do it without losing your house, now is a good time to spend more time with her. Pay now, or pay later.
Skeeter
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horrible life
Skeeter, I have printed off all of your suggestions, to use for myself.
Para... I love your idea of 1 thing at a time!!!!! even I feel overwhelmed at times, and don't know where to start. I bought my daughter 2 big shoe racks, that have remained in the sack. She has so many shoes, I trip on them all the time. Time it went up. That is the only thing, that I will tell her to do tomorrow.
I also bought her a purse rack, to hang on the back of a door. I think she can put all of her purses on it Wednesday.
....... Thank you for teaching me also.
Good luck snarf, I will let you know how it works with mine, let us know with you.
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horrible life
I just remembered the best motivator.....
COMPANY. Have a party. Invite guests. Have sleepovers.
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Mrs Smith
I have the same problem with my son. He is responsible for his own room but because he is busy with exams I thought I'd clean up for him yeatrerday before work. I picked up all his clothes and put them in the wash. I picked up wet towels and put them in the wash. I paked away shoes. I made his bed. Looked under the bed to see if there was more dirty clothes and almost passed out!!! Papers and sweet papers and school work and music cds and old broken toys that he no longer even looks at. I removed everything from under his bed and left it in the middle of his room. I wrote him a letter explaining why I started cleaning up and that I just wanted to save him some time so he could study. I wrote that I was hurt that he lied to me when I asked him if his room was clean. When I got home from work he had picked everything up. We will see how long that lasts!
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needproof
Maybe your work schedule has something to do with it? If your husband works 7 days and you work 5, do you spend the rest of the time with her or constantly nagging her to get her room fixed? If you work such long hours then you can only see her when you come back from work, at which stage you are very tired and probably irritated.
It's estimated the American's spend something like 24x more time away from their kids than with them. You may not want to change your work but sacrifices have to be made to get the respect of your kid back because her disregard of your orders shows that she just does not respect you.
Spend more time with your daughter and stop getting on her back, this way she will do things for you and show you all the respect and love you deserve. For now stop cleaning her clothes altogether and a young teenage girl will find that distressing enough to to get her ass into gear.
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smellsgood
Please, if anyone out there wants to write a nasty comment, pleaese don't. I have raised this girl on my own for the past 8 years with no child support or assistance. This has happened suddenly over the past few months, just need some input from experienced parents out there.
Also, since you say that you "raised her on your own past eight years" I know that must have been tough, well done! Still, you said, when "WE" try this, so there maybe someone who she didn't grow up with getting involved with the discipline. I know that Dr.Phil's advice in that situation would be that ONLY the Parent who has RAISED her should do the disciplining...this may be more of a challenge and inconvenient, but it gets a child frustrated when someone becomes involved with their Parent, they haven't grown up with them, and that person is involved in the discipline.
That's all I can think of...good luck. She also could have MONO or something...It could be medical, but teenagers are lazy IMO.
I will say I couldn't wait to get my license (18 when I got it) now I am TERRIFIED to think there are wacky 16 yr olds driving around, lol.
Good luck