Lazy teenager....need help before I lose it!!! (page 5)

FlyingHighNow

Excuses are different from reasons. Reasons for a behavior do not excuse the behavior. Reasons do help you figure a realistic way of solving problems. Example: the reason the cats are using your laundry basket of clean clothes for a litter box is that their own litter box is full. No excuse, just a reason. Solution: don't beat the cats, scold them or get rid of them, simply clean the litter box and make sure there is no basket of clean clothes to use as a substitute.

There are reasons the girl is hanging out at the pool, not telling her parents where she is all day and not cleaning her room. Find out the reasons and find realistic, workable solutions. This may take some time, patience and effort. It also will help prepare her for the adult world. Nagging and punishing, with no good result, teaches her nothing but that her parents are ineffective at parenting. It can also help her fufill the expectation that she is "lazy" and turn prophetic in that your worse fears for her as an adult will come true.

ex-nj-jw

I've learned that there is usually no reason why a child does or does not do something (normal everyday, not traumatic experiences in their lives). Usually it's because it's because they are allowed to, and are given the opportunity to have excuses made for them.

Not every thing is a battle, I agree when raising children. And as parents we have to pick our battles, a battle to you may not be a battle to me. There is no need for me to "help a teenage" pick up his/her room. At 3,4, 5 years old yes, teenager absolutly not, IMO.

They don't hesitate to ask you for money, a ride to go places, etc, it's not unfair of a parent to ask their children to help out, especially when most of us work all day.

I'm not trying to be confrontational - but it really bothers me when I hear parents that constantly make excuses and excuse the behavior that they themselves do not like. If it's not an issue why bother to discuss it. If closing the door and not looking at the person's room is fine for you then go with that, if cleaning it yourself or helping is ok with you, go for it. If insisting that they clean their mess is your battle then stick with that.

Pretty simple - say what you mean, mean what you say and stick to it.

nj

FlyingHighNow

I agree that constantly making excuses is counter productive. Finding solutions to problems is better. I know mom's who charge their kids to do their laundry and clean their rooms. Or the kids pay, from their allowances or work salary to have a friend or sibling do it. If nagging and grounding aren't working, then you have to keep looking for solutions. I'd say that a kid sleeping in a bed with cat vomit is a good sign of depression though, or like someone else said, it could be a sign of substance abuse.

Scully

If she wants to hang out at the pool all day, make it worth her while and everyone else's: Get her into lessons so that she can be a lifeguard and earn some income being someplace she enjoys. Passing all the lessons to get her lifeguarding badge will be a big esteem booster. Swimming will also keep her in good shape.... and I'm assuming part of the reason why she wants to hang at the pool is because of boys.... so physical activity will help her self esteem that way too.

We did that with our eldest - he loves sports and we couldn't keep up with his different teams that he wanted to play on, so we encouraged him to get a job at a sporting goods shop. Now he appreciates the value of the equipment he buys with his money, and doesn't blow off games that he's paid to participate in. He's settled in to a sport that he really loves and now that he's outgrowing that part of his life (and has nice high end equipment that he bought at a discount), he's looking at finding a new job in the field that he's studying for in college.

Our other kids are getting to the age where they are starting to think about getting jobs. For one thing, they aren't happy with the allowance that we give them, or the conditions that are attached to it. So fine, they can get jobs and live by their employer's expectations for payment in return for services rendered. They're going to learn that lesson one way or another - if I can't teach them that they can earn $20 a week each by earning it through keeping their rooms tidy and clearing the dining room table and emptying the dishwasher, then they can learn it from someone who can tell them to hit the road when they don't fulfill the employer's expectations of them.

Summer jobs give kids something to do during the time you're at work - I'd much rather see them filling orders for coffee and doughnuts than getting mixed up with a crowd that's going to introduce them to alcohol, drugs and sex because they're too bored to know what to do with themselves.

FreeFromWTBS

Instead of nagging, just establish actions with consequences.

1)There is a laundry basket for white and colors next to the washer. If your wash gets there, I will wash them. I do x numbers of loads per week so if it backs up you might have a long return rate.

2)Only dishes and glasses that get to the dishwasher will be washed. (Put a lock on one cabinet for you and your spouses stuff)

3)Any trash found outside of your room will be placed inside your room.

4)Any stuff found outside your room will be confiscated(You can establish a chore for things plan for the returning of items) These should not be tasks she should be doing listed above but additional chores that she doesn't do). Clean out garage, scrub bathroom etc

This way you don't yell and she will eventually improve. Not too many teenage girls are neat but she'll get better.

kitten whiskers

I am sending you a personal message.

ex-nj-jw

I agree with scully,

My kids, well two of them anyway, were so involved with sports that when they were too old to play for little league and middleschool, they started helping the little league coaches out. They didn't get paid for it but it taught them responsiblity and accountability. When the little kids didn't do what they were supposed to do and were made to do extra sit ups or laps, my kids would have this look on their faces that said, why didn't you just do it right the first time?, doesn't make sense why they won't listen. (imagine that)

My 17 year old works in a clothing store, he came home the other day complaining about how his co-workers won't pick up and straighten out racks and tables, and leave trash all over the place. I looked at him a smiled, he said what? Oh, I know it sounds like what you used to say to us about our room. I gotcha ma!!!

So, what sounds like nagging now, will come back to haunt them later!!

nj

onlycurious

Snarf,

I know exactly what you are going through. I have a 13 yr old and 11 1/2 yr old that is trying to be like her big sister. I am also a youth worker who forgets that my kids are typical to all the other teens.

Geez, it can get depressing sometimes. All the yelling, threats, let downs, etc. It's really good you asked for help.

One thing I vividly remember my mom doing when I was growing up was that she put anything that way just left around the house into a brown paper bag. If we wanted those items, we had to do a chore to earn them back.

Another great thing is to have her work WITH you. Ask her to come along side you and help you make dinner sometime. She might whine the whole time but try to ignore it as much as possible and stick it out. Then she can complete a project with you and enjoy the finished project.

Hope this helps. I feel for you.

Lazy teenager....need help before I lose it!!!

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