Lazy teenager....need help before I lose it!!!

by snarf 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Gill

  Sounds like absentee parent syndrome is the problem here.

  I appreciate you and your husband have to work BUT, you cannot neglect your child without repurcussions. Hence, you have a problem. She doesn't see why she should answer to you, tell you where she is. She is being like you and your husband.......absent.

  Sow the wind.....reap the whirlwind! No easy answer here but to accept what the problem is.

  Funny thing is (though not funny ha, ha, by any means) but you COULD take your daughter to work with you but you chose NOT to!

  My parents both worked full time. I rarely saw them. I was a naughty child at home on my own. What can I say!

  As a parent, I learned to sacrifice most of my financial earning potential and work from home, basically earning nothing most of the time.....though I do strike gold every so often and bring in a few quid here and there! I'm fortuante that my husband earns a reasonable though not fantastic wage and he does sometimes work 7 days a week like yours.

  The cost has been high for me and my husband financially but our kids have benefited massively and I do not underestimate their gain at my own loss!

  Perhaps its time to put your childs interests ahead of your own!

  All kids make an horrendous mess! I'm hardly surprised yours does. She is obviously very upset at your emotional and physical (as in willing to sacrifice time and self) neglect of her!

  So if you can't stand a bit of mess in her bedroom I suggest you first take a look at what YOU should be doing before you judge what she isn't!!
• 

  Gill

  Also, in a 'nicer' fashion than above......why fight over a bedroom? I never have with mine. Ask nicely. If they don't perform, take a black back....remove mess. Hide black back in inaccessible place......bingo! Mess tidied. Parent Happy. Child learnt a lesson about consequences.

  Going back to previous comment, child needs more and more attention as they get older, not less!!!

  I remember a speech therapist who helped two of my children telling me that when a child is small, then is a good time for mum to be leaving the child at a nursery as she pursued her career and then played with her child in the evening. However, once a child hits 12, this is the time for mum to work Part time until the child hits 18! Those teenage years are the 'special years'. They're the make or break years.....BUT they are certainly NOT a time for fighting over bedrooms. They are a time to do as much as possible together. You lose those years, you may lose them permanently!
• 

  skeeter1

  To add to my previous post....

  Teenagers do not "date" like we did. Instead, they "hook up" at another teenager's house where the parents are not home. Typically, there are a handful of them. They pair off & go into the bedrooms. Oral sex is now considered petting, and going all the way is the norm. There is little expectation of a long term relationship...or even a McDonalds & a movie date. Girls & boys are getting the message that a girl has to have a career, and a "relationship" would slow them down. It is misguided, and has terrible consequences.

  You need to instill into your daughter that she has value. She is valuable enough for a proper dating relationship (getting to know the guy, his family, etc. before she has sex with him.). Establishing these principles starts in the early teenage years. If you have a grown male (father, brother, etc.\) you can trust, please ask him to take your daughter on a traditional date - dinner & a movie. Have him do this once a month or every other month.

  Also, all females need t-o-u-c-h. We hug & kiss & tickle little girls...but once they get boobs we are hands off. They get lonely and....look for love in all the wrong places. Make sure you give her a hug, and that others around you that you can trust do the same. It will also help to establish her worth. She might feel abandoned by her father, furthering her downward sense of self-worth.

  Also, kids mimic what you do. Make sure you are correctly handling any dating relationship. You sound like a great mom.

  Skeeter
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  Nothing is worst that a lazy teenager!!!

  I have 3 boys who all went through this. I took a Saturday (or any day you choose), tell her specifically what you want done, ie. pick up clothes, hang them up, fold them and put them in drawer, or dirty.

  2nd make her start doing her own laundry, I know how you feel about washing clean clothes.

  3rd maker her dust, polish, sweep, vaccum

  Give her 2 hours to complete her tasks and be there for help and encourgement thereafter.

  When she's done, you tell her to look around at how nice her surroundings are. Tell her you expect it to stay that way daily, with big cleanng done once a week.

  Tell her that she is not allowed to go anywhere until her daily chores are done. If you have to, make a suprise visit at home when she least expects it and do a spot check. If her chores are not done and she is not home, find a suitable punishment. I found it easier to punish the kids as they got older vs when they were little.

  Good luck

  nj
• 

  cruzanheart

  I was reading this last night but had to interrupt to chew out my own 13-year-old daughter for being rude to her 11-year-old brother. We have the same situation at our house, and we are trying to keep her really really busy this summer.

  REALITY: Teenagers are going to be sullen, lazy, rude, and think that nobody understands them. We were like that too, in case y'all have forgotten.

  SOLUTION: Treat them with respect but come down hard when they get out of line. They feel out of control and rage against rules but they need those rules and their parents' consistency with them in order to feel safe.

  REALITY: You'll have to wait about 20 years to hear them say "thank you" for what you're doing to raise them.

  Now let's talk about work: Chris and I both work full-time. It's not a choice -- we have to in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I am in awe of all single parents who manage to do that and still keep a semblance of sanity. You can't quit your job and probably can't adjust your hours to be there for your teen, so what you have to do is think creatively. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for working. You're doing a WONDERFUL job and setting a great example for your child.

  This summer we enrolled Jennie in two camps, Art Camp in the morning and Drama Camp in the afternoon. That keeps her busy all day. At the beginning of the summer, we sat down with the calendar and have arranged what days we are going to take off, most of them coinciding with her days off.

  See if any of the cities or towns near your home or your office have summer programs that you can get your child into. As for after school, look into the YMCA/YWCA. Next year Jennie will be old enough to train as a camp counselor at a neighboring town, and we may push her into it (she doesn't want to right now).

  You'll have to be the Bad Guy in this, but your child will thank you for it later. Or you can hold it over her head -- whichever is more effective! Guilt always worked best on me.

  Hang in there!! They're worth it.

  Hugs,

  Nina
• 

  unique1

  My mom hid like 5 bucks in my room when I was younger and said I know if you find all $5 your room is clean. I never found all $5 even after cleaning my room. She had stashed some in the corner where my bed was under the bed. Since money doesn't seem to work though, I would just wash my and my hubby's clothes. I would stop buying soda until she stops leaving it everywhere. I would hide all glasses but three and write names on each one. One for you one for hubby and one for her. I would wash mine and hubbys regularly and even put them in my car if I have to and bring them home every night so she is forced to use that one cup. If she wants to act like a child treat her like one. Tell her that. Once she starts acting like an adult she will get more privledges.

  Also you may want to look into afterschool care. Schools here in NC offer it at Elementary and Middle school. They will keep them until 5 pm or so. Call her every day and if she doesn't answer and doesn't tell you where she is then take her to work everyday for a week. I am sure she likes it about as much as you do. Tell her you will let her stay the next monday alone but only if she answers every time you call and lets you know where she is. If she doesn't then take her back to work with you.
• 

  Nosferatu

  We have to get on her constantly to get her room clean

  So don't bother. Let her room stay a pig sty and let her friends see it. She can live in it too. When she gets tired of living in filth, she'll clean it up. That's what happened to me.

  I went through her clothing with her and made her get rid of 3/4 of her clothes because she threw them all over the floor and I was sick of washing clean clothes.

  Well, it's time you quit washing her crap. She can wash it. If she doesn't wash it, she wears stinky, dirty clothes.

  She leaves empty pop cans everywhere, she is just becoming very disrespectful and over sloppy.

  If she's leaving them anywhere besides her room, take the empty pop cans and chuck 'em back in her room. If you're the one who's buying the pop, don't buy anymore.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  I can tell you what not to do: don't harp on this and make it a bigger deal than it is. You will only re-enforce her apathy about her room.

  Never tell her she is lazy and drill this into her head. You can do life long damage to her self image, self worth and self esteem.

  Keeping a neat and tidy room often is not a priority to a young teenager. My pediatrician explained to me that kids often don't feel energetic as the hormones kick in full throttle. They tend to save what energy they have for things they enjoy. Also, blue moods and axiety can sap energy. Does she have allergies? Even if she doesn't have classic symptoms, look for allergy shiners under here eyes. If she looks like she has mild black eyes, then she may have allergies which drain energy. Have you mentioned the room issue to her doctor?

  Kids don't like being nagged anymore than we adults enjoy being nagged. It's a natural tendancy to protest by not giving in.

  Positive re-enforcement would probably work better for her, making her feel good about herself in other ways can foster more pride in her life in general.

  I suggest finding someone to mentor her. I have mentors for both my grandsons. They have a wonderful effect on the way the boys feel about themselves.

  I also suggest that you help your daughter keep her room clean for a while. For Julian and Mick, I aid them in keeping things picked up and their beds made, etc. I pick up the slack. But each day, they must pass inspection if they are going to be allowed outside. The rule is: if you want to leave the house, then leave your room and things in order.

  I know you are good parents and you want to be fair and do what's best for your daughter. Please realize that things aren't always the way they seem. Don't mistake the lethargy that is normal for many teenagers for laziness.Don't give into being judgemental.

  Think on the mentor idea. Many churches and boys and girls clubs, etc have mentor programs. I don't care what anyone says, it does take a village to raise a child. Often kids will listen to a neutral adult when they won't listen to their parents.

  I can also tell you that many messy teenagers grow up to be very neat housekeepers. Don't over think and over worry this.
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  Oh, one last thing!!

  Teenagers love their privacy - when things got tough and no other punishment worked, I took their bedroom door off the hinges!! That's right if you act like a 2 year old I have to watch you like a 2 year old.

  Once I took my middle son's TV, VCR, Video Game, stereo....everything the only thing he had was a dresser a bed and some books. He really deserved this too!! Then I took the door to his room away. He was 13 so privacy was a big deal.

  After 2 weeks of firm punishment, he was allowed to earn back one item a week of my choosing. The door was the last to come back.

  It's easy to make excuses for them such as, teenage years is tough, she may be going through things. But the reality is that life is tough and if we as parents don't teach them now they will act like children when they are adults and will expect other adults (coworkers, friends) to make excuses for their behavior also.

  IMHO

  nj
• 

  UnConfused

  Well you could do what I do. Nothing. Not fighting about cleaning rooms is nice. And when it gets real bad my wife goes and cleans their room for them as she can't take it anymore. I will assume that natural embarrassment will take care of the problem with my daughter eventually and as for my son - that's his future wife's problem.
  
  I suppose I will have to talk to him about it.