finding friends outside the Borg - a Scary thought

by lydia 68 Replies latest jw friends

  • crownboy

    As one of the few people who did not take offense to Bgurl’s comments, I would like to thank her for posting it, for I found it to be insightful. However, I can definitely see how some could take it the wrong way, since you didn’t do a great job of showing empathy and took more of a “tough love” approach. Such an approach doesn’t bother me personally, but I probably would not of written your post exactly that way (though I definitely I’m not taking away from your message Bgurl, please post again. But next time it would probably be wise to take into consideration how your words come across to others. I tell you this because I myself have a habit of being very blunt and have drawn similar reaction for seemingly benign comments).

    Even though I am a life long JW, I have a grand total of 2 JW’s in my very close inner circle of friends. Fortunately for me, my parents have allowed me to have non-JW friends as long as they weren’t borderline criminal. My suggestion is to go up to people who you know you’ll be around a lot (e.g. work mates or class mates) and say hi and develop an issue you both can relate to (I know for guys sports is a great topic). Over time, in the course of your shallow conversations digress to deeper issues, such as religion, family, ethics. If you click with the person the connection will be obvious. If you’re a shy person it may take some guts to start up a conversation (it’s a real boon if the other party does it for you) but once you get “the ball rolling” on a topic the two of you share a liking in, it’s quite easy to transition to topics that are of consequence and that make friendships more than just a “hi, how are you” affair. And make an effort to be with the person in a relaxed social setting such as a party (I have a preference for bowling) as a more formal setting might induce you to only talk of work or school. All the friends I have made have been a result of me following a pattern that somewhat mirrors what I have written above. If you’re in college like me, joining a group on campus can help. My suggestions may not be right for everyone, but maybe it can help someone.

  • Bgurltryal
    Possibly good advice if it was meant as advice. I don't think anyone read it that way.

    This isn't my fault! So why am i being attacked for YOUR false interpretations of my writing

    It really sounds like you were saying quit your crying and do something constructive. You don't have anything unique to cry about.

    Well AS I'VE SAID IN TWO LATER POSTS this isn't how i meant it.

    Then you take the high and mighty road.

    I don't understand how sharing the tragedy of my friends takes the 'high and mighty road.'? This is merely how you interpret it as you have already formed an inacurate opinion of me.

    Feel free to share these stories just don't tell ex-jws that they should get over their experience just because someone else had a bad experience.

    Again that's not what i was saying as i have stated several times in other posts.

    THAT is what YOU don't understand. THAT is why maybe you need to sit back and learn from the other posts before opening your mouth about things you don't understand and insulting the very people you come to for support and understanding.

    So let me get this straight. Becuase I haven't been through what you have i don't have a right to give my opinion. Because I am 'worldly' I haven't the right to post here. Sounds like a predjudice to me. Again this auro of 'you have the audacity to give your two cents to us!' You hold a condesending attitude towards me. It is even more obvious to me now. My whole point in posting was to give an OUTSIDERS opinion of the question at hand. 'this is how you may come across to someone who deosn't know any better' was my point. I DO know better. I do not beleive that Ex-JWs are like that (as I have said in my other posts...i feel like a broken record) Again i don't understand the backlash- 'you have no right to speak to me as you are not just like me' it seems so borg mentality like.

    A sincere apology would have been sufficient to soothe the hurt feelings brought on by this "misunderstanding". A sincere apology is NOT followed by the word BUT. It is NOT followed with more insults.
    Just try that and take this as friendly advice. can i have my appology for everyone misunderstanding what i wrote and then expecting me to defend my mere suggestions. Oh...that's not what you meant. I should appologise for YOUR misunderstandings. Still don't get it. I appologised for offending those i didn't intend for THREE POSTS NOW. Read any one. This is rediculous. I've written several posts to better explain what i ACTUALLY meant by my first post yet I am coontinually quoted from my first post.

    Here's an example of how this discusion feels:
    Very first poster-'question'what does a vaccuum cleaner say?'
    Me-'you suck'
    insulted person #1-'Hey...i don't like your tone!'
    Me-'oh I'm sorry, I just meant that that's what a vacuum cleaner says. It was in reference to the asked question'
    Insulted person #2-'it was really rude of you to tell me i suck and I'm am offended. Get out of here. you don't understand where we are coming from. You shouldn't be posting!
    Me-'Well...i already stated I was sorry but it's all a misunderstanding i wasn't saying YOU suck i was saying the vacuum cleaner sucks'
    Insulted person #3- You really should mind you own buisness and not post here as you don't know if a vacuum cleaner says i suck or not. Maybe you should sit back and read instead of giving you two cents on a question in a discusion board. How dare you discuss things on a discusion board. But I'll take an appology for OUR misunderstanding your post.'
    Me- 'wha???!?@?!#?@$*^$@&*$ So confused!'

  • bboyneko 2
    bboyneko 2

    i jus realized this entire thread was boyfriend and girlfriend versus boyfriend and girlfriend...hehe it explains alot

  • Robdar

    Quote: "I'm sorry i created such feelings in people."

    Bgurl, if you are truly apologetic, why don't you drop it instead of returning and continuing to stir it up? Let it go.

    This thread started out as a sincere request for information about how to make friends that are not JW's. Instead it has become all about you. For somebody who is intolerant of other people whining, you sure are whining a lot.

    Your apology is accepted. If we misunderstood your intent, please accept our apologies. Now please get over it so that this thread can get back on course.

    "Ha'Shem hu ha'Elokim"

  • tyydyy

    Hey Robdar,

    I didn't know you were my girlfriend? When is our next date?

    Tim B

  • Robdar

    Hello Tim,


    "I didn't know you were my girlfriend? When is our next date? "

    Hehee, I'm making new friends. Nice friends, too. Look me up Tyydyy. This could be lots of fun. :)

    "i jus realized this entire thread was boyfriend and girlfriend versus boyfriend and girlfriend...hehe it explains alot"

    Thank you Bboy for your suggestion. I like it a lot.


  • Tatiana
    As an always have been 'worldly' person i am somewhat offended by some comments made here.

    You were offended because you didn't understand our use of the term "worldly". This is my point. You start off offended for no reason. And launch into a sermon.

    Bboy says....

    You won't grow as an individual free of the borg if you only assosiate with x-jws. you need outside friends and outside advice as well.

    Personally, I love exjws. And would love to have them around all the time. I fail to see why I couldn't 'grow' as an individual if I chose to only associate with them. I seriously doubt we would all be constantly sitting around boo-hooing.

    Bgurl says....once again contradicting herself...

    I can never KNOW what it's like but the more i learn the more i can hopefully understand him a little more

    Putting words in my mouth...
    You JUST did belittle others experiences. You just said 'yes everyone else has had something terrible happen but OUR experiences are worse'
    I did not say this.

    Again. You are the one with the condesending attitude. 'You will never know what we go through so your advise is deemed useless'
    Once again, I did not say this. Adding words I did not say. In fact, with two or three phrases left out of your original post (boo-hooing-offended by "worldly term) the rest of your message had good advice.

    YOU may not have problems but lydia asked for suggestions:
    I never said I didn't have problems.

    Again it just seems that you don't like a 'worldly' person giving advise which to me shows you still have some negative feelings towards 'worldly' people.

    I have no negative feelings towards any person who wasn't a jw. On another board, I have talked with and made many friends who were not jws. Some were in love with one. Some had relatives who were. One person has a daughter in love with one. This is the first time I have ever felt hurt. No matter how you tried to explain away the meaning of your first post, I still feel that deep down, you aren't all that sympathetic. I could be wrong. Bboy seems to think you are. I just have to go by what I read.

    And Bboy, Xena IS nice until she'd insulted!


    "Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)

  • Sunspot

    It makes perfect sense to me! I understand completely!
    I've attempted to make friends with ladies I "seem" to have things in common with, but the friendships don't last somehow.....
    I NEVER had trouble making friends in my entire LIFE before I got mixed up with the "Friends" at the KH.
    I really hate what they've done to me, the whole package of not being "good enough" or not"doing enough", or not "fitting in" with THEIR ideals and's been two years for me (gone) but over 27 years IN.
    It's hard to believe the "hold" they still have over me.....

    Shredded families and ruined lives;
    The WBTS has MUCH to answer for......



  • somebody

    I understand why Xena and others were upset/offended by what BGurl said. I felt offended too, but ignored it. And I couldn't see that anyone said anything to offend her to begin with. BUT.....he has appoligised profusivly here to all of us who may have been hurt or offended by the words she used. I'm guilty of using no tact on the board more than once. I never stopped to reread what I said to think how others may perceive it and I did end up huring people when I didn't mean to. So.....

    I can't speak for others who have been hurt by your words here Bgurl, but I, for one, accept your apology. I really don't think you meant any ill will towards anyone. It was all a matter of choosing the wrong words, and I don't think it was to intentionally offend anyone. And I'm sorry that it did offend people who I adore.

    Anyway, I accept your apology and I forgive.


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