Paralipomenon........I LIKE THAT IDEA! We are so conditioned to resigning ourselves to the fact that they are like they are and there's nothing we can do about it. But, you're right. If we allow them to be who they are, then we must allow ourselves to be who we are as well! Yes! I will send "Missing You" cards, pictures of family and vacations, call occasionally "just to chat", etc. etc. Make her work at shunning. When she tells me she can't converse with me, I can just say: "That's okay. I can converse with you, Sis. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and everything is going great." Anger and frustration OUT! Openness and joy IN! Thanks.
First & Last, One-time post
by journey-on 95 Replies latest jw friends
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trevor
journey-on
I firmly believe they are going to have to stand in judgment for this one day, or toward the end of their lives it will eat at their soul and gnaw at their conscience for what they did to their God-given flesh and blood. Right now, they can stay busy in the JW pursuits and keep their minds occupied with that drivel.
But who is to decide what is truth and what is drivel? If you believe in judgment day and reprisals then you still believe in the system that has caused you so much pain?
I hope that you will find the courage to use this life changing experience to re-valuate your view of reality and move towards real freedom.
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journey-on
Trevor....I don't believe in Judgment Day in the usual since of the word (right now, anyway. I may change my beliefs as I continue on my journey). But, I do believe as we get toward the end of our life, we "judge" ourselves. Our conscience kicks in big time and we begin to think about how we lived our life---good and bad. Some are able to go easy on themselves, and others are tortured by the mistakes they made. Some have no regrets, while others regret much. That's why I think some of these long-time Witnesses can't leave. They have to cling to the belief that it's Truth, otherwise, some of the things they've done to family would gnaw a hole right through their heart. I think that is where my sister is right now. She's invested too much, shunned and hurt people devoted to her, and given her very "soul" to a corporate publishing company in the name of God.
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Madame Quixote
(((Journey On))) A very well-expressed letter. My initial feeling is, go ahead and send it, but as JT points out, the judgments we make against our own families and what you said about yours does seem to mirror that JW polarizing attitude he mentioned; however, having those feelings and recognizing that hypocrisy is part of our growth. It is definitely a sign of growth and progress that you chose not to send your letter out. I have written such letters to my own family online at boards like this. It is healling and cathartic.
Someone once told me that I would not be able to recognize the ugliness in others if I did not ever have the same kinds of feelings and attitudes myself. Of course, that is arguable, but I won't go there today!
Expressing it to the wrong person or group in the wrong way can make it hard to help free them or ourselves from the entrapment of that denial, anger, and pain. It can also help us to repeat similar patterns in our own lives without recognizing it for years on end. I speak from experience and it pains me often to realize that I do this; however, the awareness is just the booby prize. The change is the real prize, despite my frequent mistakes and sorrow!
Lady Lee said of her mom,"It seems to me that her FT service and commitment to the WTS is more a matter of proving that the fact that none of her children are involved is no longer a reflection on her as a JW parent. The fault lies with us because "see how dedicated I am" . . . Not sure if I am explaining it right but its just another perspective."
I think you explained that perfectly, LL. My observations of my own family are similar to yours; and I have a very materialistic, fairly well-off family, to boot. They must constantly compensate for the facts of their financial successes and for all of their other perceived imperfections by following the most painful aspects of being a JW to the T. Following along with anything life-threatening or that tears a family apart, such as disfellowshipping, not taking blood, and child abuse seems to fit the bill and makes them "good witnesses" in their own and in others' eyes, at least as far as they perceive, I think.
James Thomas, I have to agree with you to a certain extent about the judgmentalism; however, I also understand that part of the journey to healing includes stages of healing. Anger, bargaining, guilt, grief, etc. are all a part of that journey to healing and to well-being. We cannot get to point Z without passing through points C through Y, as far as I know.
Perhaps, it is a mistaken assumption to say that, but I do feel that journeyon is in part of that stage of progression to healing and that it is a sure sign of progress - not perfection - that he or she wrote the letter, posted it here, and did not mail it to her sister. Perhaps, journeyon recognizes, intuitively or unconsciously or innately, that something of what you said is true.
Much of what I post here about my own family situation reflects similar frustration. If they will not allow you to talk to them directly about your feelings by shunning you, where else does one go to talk about the negative impact it has on one? Work? School? Other worldly people with no experience or knowledge about how cults operate? There has to be a healthy outlet for these expressions of pain, grief, anger and sorrow; I think what journey on is doing is healthy, as long as she is able to find a way to make peace, accept, and eventually move on.
Some of us move on at a different pace, and it is perfectly normal to revisit those negative feeling periodically, especially if impacted by the negative actions of our loved ones on quite a regular basis. Abandonment by one's loved ones is a huge issue for many of us and coming to terms with it is not easily done, as I am sure you are aware. You, JT, must have studied and meditated on this for years, yourself to have arrived at such a peaceful, accepting and non-judgmental place yourself, no?
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RAF
J. Thomas ... You'll be wellcome, wellcome, wellcome!!!
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MsMcDucket
You, JT, must have studied and meditated on this for years, yourself to have arrived at such a peaceful, accepting and non-judgmental place yourself, no?
I do believe that James was being judgmental. He feels that he has a higher position than Journey therefore he can tell her how to do things that his way is the best way. According to James, once you reach the place that he has reached you will be in karma or something.
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mia_b
A very thought provoking thread. I wish i could feel peaceful rather than hurt about my family shunning me.
i hav however taken the step to get in touch with my pioneer sister - i emailed 3 weeks back asking if she wanted to go for a coffee, she email back with yes, i suggested a date (next saturday) and i havnt heard from her since! lmao, at least i tried, will email again and arrange another date until she tells me to go away.
if we dont contact THEM we're accepting the shunning and shunning them too!
after iv tried with my sister, im going to try my ex-best-"friends"
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JamesThomas
MQ:
I also understand that part of the journey to healing includes stages of healing. Anger, bargaining, guilt, grief, etc. are all a part of that journey to healing and to well-being. We cannot get to point Z without passing through points C through Y, as far as I know.
Yes, I agree, this seems to be the common way of things.
What I have seen is that the mind continually weaves a conceptual identity which it refers to as "self". Because of this, too often we come to identify with the "healing" process, and the perceived "brokenness" becomes the focus until the day we die. So, what I generally attempt to do is get directly to the point. The point being that there is, right now, right here, an underlying reality of Self, which is whole, unbroken, and complete. An untainted wholesomeness which is united with all existence. There is no reason to not clearly see and realize this now, other than perhaps the beliefs that we need to do some thing first. We don't need to earn, or travel to where and what we already truly are. It just needs to be seen.
So, MQ, I don't disagree with you, I just attempt to point to the unifying wholeness which already IS, rather than the broken fragmentation and separation we believe to be. We generally have more than enough people in our lives who will support and reinforce the brokenness. I try not to be one of them.
RAF, thank you.
MsMcDucket: Yes, I can come across as a judgmental SOB sometimes. This subject, and the suffering I see around me, I take very seriously. Sometimes I just want to scream: Stop the madness, and rest in what unites us, rather than giving non-stop attention to what divides us. Honestly, I do not see myself as any better or higher than the lowliest and most vile of men. In fact, I of myself am absolutely nothing....except for perhaps -- a fool.
It may help to observe the mind, and observe how it weaves a story about what you believe "me" to be. I am not that. Now watch as it weaves the story and identity of "you". What silently sees the story? Is it the story? Are you truly what you believe yourself to be?
j
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under_believer
I agree with your opinion on disfellowshipping.
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willyloman
That's why I think some of these long-time Witnesses can't leave. They have to cling to the belief that it's Truth, otherwise, some of the things they've done to family would gnaw a hole right through their heart. I think that is where my sister is right now. She's invested too much, shunned and hurt people devoted to her, and given her very "soul" to a corporate publishing company in the name of God.
Astute observation. You show much wisdom. Keep on writing.