Told wife that I don't like going to the meeting

by XBEHERE 46 Replies latest jw friends

  • blondie

    My thought exactly, first find a way to step aside as a elder. Ill health, stress, depression, get your doctor involved in the sense of supporting the seriousness. I can't believe that all this is not affecting you (don't take your wife with you on your appointments).

    Remember that part of the problem is that women in the Borg have no identity except that of their husband's. It will be hard to stop being an "elder's wife." (Unless you are Blondie and never wanted to be one in the first place).

    The way she will be treated could open her eyes to whether she has any "friends" in the Borg.


  • jgnat

    Yes, a plan, a plan! The spousal plans worked out here, though they varied in their approach (depending on their partner's readiness) have had a fairly high success rate. What blows is the sudden confession. As Satanus said so well,

    No, no, not at all. The direct approach, direct confrontation is self defeat, imo. Take it slow w your wife. In fact, this may a good time to take her out for a dinner, or something like that.

    XBEHERE: I need to formulate a plan to step aside as elder asap. Anyone have any suggestions for this besides committing a sin ?

    Yes, I have a plan. Hand in a resignation letter. They TELL you that you have to wait until HQ confirms it, but this is a VOLUNTEER position you are holding. All you have to do after handing in your resignation letter is be incompetent. Skip your responsibilities. Refuse to be quiet about your resignation until HQ confirms. Simply tell congregation members, when they ask for assistance, that you've asked to step down and go see elder so-and-so. When you resign, stop working. What they gonna do? Glare at you and declare you a bad association behind your back? It's gonna happen anyways.

  • ButtLight

    I feel for you. I am so glad I never had to go though all that. When I was df'd at 18, I married a "worldly" guy! I tried to get him to go once I decided to go back and get reinstated. He did, but it didnt take long for him to see the clicks and unconditional love, and we both quit going.

  • Rooster

    XBEHERE, first stop being an elder at the hall, then start on your fade until you are finally out for good. Good luck!


  • OnTheWayOut
    I need to formulate a plan to step aside as elder asap. Anyone have any suggestions for this
    besides committing a sin ? Its like the Hotel California "you can check out anytime... but you can never leave"
    Yes, I have a plan. Hand in a resignation letter.

    Jgnat is 100% correct. Hand in a resignation letter. You can do it your way, but be clear that you
    are done.

    My way was to site doubts with the organization's doctrines concerning "This Generation" and from
    not having complete trust in the Governing Body as God's representative. But that was me.
    Many suggestions I have read since turning in my letter were to use "depression" and family obligation.
    You can start by saying "I am depressed. I am seeing a doctor" (Actually go to one- that helps)
    Turn in field service reports of 1 or 2 hours for 2 months, skip a bunch of meetings, and they will
    have to consider a resignation. You can also say you have neglected your family or your family study
    or both. Whatever is true, magnify it, exaggerate it. If you felt like strangling yourself or your family
    members, use that. (Get help if it's totally true and not exaggerated).

    They TELL you that you have to wait until HQ confirms it

    Yes, they delayed my announcement of "No longer an elder" for more than 6 weeks, but I said at the
    moment I turned in the letter, "Fine, do whatever you have to do, but I am done NOW." I stopped all
    my assignments that very moment, allowed the body to avoid announcing that I wasn't an elder, and I
    told nobody but my wife. It's just their way of delaying, pressuring, and they are afraid to do anything
    w/o approval- not a big deal. You could even continue to serve as an elder until their instructions come
    back- if you want to, but they shouldn't allow it if you site doubts, and it is unloving if you site depression.

    matter, but don't destroy your family over this. Even a sin that has nothing to do with family, they will
    view as unloving toward your family (How can you gamble when you have a family to care for?)

  • willyloman

    I agree with jgnat, already seconded by onthewayout. Good advice. You can play the sick wife card, or the sick yourself card, or both, but don't delay. When I stepped aside, I didn't even write a letter, I just took the PO aside and told him I could no longer serve because my wife was in extreme pain with no medical relief in sight and that I would not be reliable for the next several months, or longer, and was not one of those elders who could occupy the position and not do anything. I lied and told him I hoped that in a year or so I might be able to reach out for responsibilities again, but for the foreseeable future I needed to concentrate on the situation at home. It was an emotional moment for me so I teared up a little, which apparently helped. He patted me on the shoulder and said he would let the other elders know.

    I missed so many meetings thereafter that I never even heard the announcement that I'd been deleted (but I know there was one). I continued to attend a few meetings over the next few months, but did not go out in FS - although I phoned in 1 or 2 hours a month. At some point we hadn't been to a meeting in weeks and we mutually decided it was so refreshing a change that we would just simply not go ever again. And we didn't. We have no regrets and are remarkably happy. Also, my bride's health has improved substantially.

  • MinisterAmos

    If it's been said once, then it's been said 1,000 times. Their only hold on you is what you allow them to have. THe BOE will want to delay your leaving until the next CO or DO visit hoping they can either shame or bully you into staying. You see, if you step-down that means they made a mistake appointing you, which means maybe Jehovah really isn't directing their actions......

    So just turn in the letter and stop giving talks. If they insist, don't show when you have a talk scheduled. The shame and confusion of an empty podium will smarten them right up.

    The congo won't even hremember that it was you who didn't show, it will only remember the cobbled together presentation or the opportunity to leave an hour early.

    Heck they'd probably thank you.

  • truthsetsonefree

    My God, I'm so sorry. Feel free to talk if you need. I've been and there. It does take a while to pull the women out, and they don't always come. Lets hope that she doesn't tell the elders.


  • truthsetsonefree

    The burnout routine worked with my elder body. They still stalled till the COs visit but I was effectively off, meaning no parts and duties for months before the official stepping down occured. I let them know that I didn't want to inconvenience THEM. That my unreliability was not good for the BODY and that I cared deeply for all of them. I expressed my desire? to be back soon. It worked. In fact until they realized what my other problems are, their respect for me went UP!


  • MinisterAmos
    I just took the PO aside and told him I could no longer serve because my wife was in extreme pain with no medical relief in sight

    Which was in direct contrast to the actions of out PO whose wife was dying in agony from cancer.

    He stepped up his Ministry and had the Sisters care for her, make his meals, clean the house, wash his clothes, take care of his daughters...

    Oh yeah that's right. His daughters are DF'ed (all four) so they were not permitted to enter the house.

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