Told wife that I don't like going to the meeting

by XBEHERE 46 Replies latest jw friends


    Finally said it out loud even though my actions have been showing it for quite some time. A fight ensued and now she isn't talking to me. The wierd thing is when I just didnt go she didn't say much (she hasn't been for over 2 mos for a medical reason) but god forbid I should actually vocalize that I don't want to go... I didn't want to give her any fuel to call me an apostate so I just blamed discouragement and my dislike of the elders which she already knows. Yes I know, I chickened out!

    I got a lecture about: 1) showing an example to my kids 2) You are also an elder why not talk to the others about their unchristian attitude (yeah right as if that ever helps) 3) The publishers need you, you are the only balanced elder.. I guess my fears of losing my family if I come out of the "apostate closet" aren't unfounded afterall....

  • carla

    Can't you say you are depressed and need some time? Then use the head of the house routine? and then take the kids out of one of the godawful meetings and do something fun for your own mental health and to reconnect with the kids? Tug at her heartstrings, if that's possible. If she's a typical dub they have handed their heart over so no strings are attached.

  • Satanus
    I chickened out!

    No, no, not at all. The direct approach, direct confrontation is self defeat, imo. Take it slow w your wife. In fact, this may a good time to take her out for a dinner, or something like that.


  • freedomloverr

    WOW X!

    I know how much courage that took just to utter those thoughts alone! good for you! you have every right to your opinion and feelings. give your wife time, let this all digest. I would HIGHLY suggest taking home some flowers or something like that and let her know how much you love her and your family. It'll be really hard for her to stay mad at you.

    this is big! I'm really happy for you that you got to let some steam off!

  • willyloman

    Perhaps your wife needs to know that you love her and have no intention of abandoning her, even if you make a rational, intellectual decision to leave dubdom. She may be fearful of your actions and words, afraid that this is the beginning of the end of her family life as she knows it. I think that's where you need to start, rather than vocalizing your feelings about being discouraged and frustrated. Seeing the light about the dubs is a good thing! It's cause for rejoicing. Raise the bar and hold yourself to a higher standard.

  • ithinkisee

    "You are the only balanced elder."

    Shouldn't that tell her something? (I know the answer is no (initially) ... but it might be worth bringing it up.)

    Some wives have said that when their husbands told them they didn't want to go to meetings but that didn't mean you weren't leaving the family that made them feel better for a short time. So maybe make sure she knows 100% that you aren't leaving her?

    Naturally I'm not a counselor, but if it is possible to tell her you need a break and some time to recharge your batteries.

    Tell her you would like to do personal study and verify stuff you never had a chance to look up before because you have always been so busy with elder stuff.

    Then be completely honest with her as time goes on (like you have already) with letting her know what you've been researching. This wouldn't happen over a week, or even a month, but VERY SLOWLY.

    My thoughts is that you should NEVER tell her that you have been mentally done for years - until the point she is completely out - if that ever happens. (Hopefully it does.)

    I feel for you man. Let me know if there is anything I can do.



    Thanks for all the advice.. first thing I need to do is end this silly "silent treatment" flowers it is! Unfortunately I said what I said out of frustration and my frustration is just getting worse and worse. I need to formulate a plan to step aside as elder asap. Anyone have any suggestions for this besides committing a sin ? Its like the Hotel California "you can check out anytime... but you can never leave"

  • OnTheWayOut

    I agree with Willy.

    Perhaps your wife needs to know that you love her and have no intention of abandoning her, even if you
    make a rational, intellectual decision to leave dubdom.

    My wife's greatest fear is not that I will leave Jehovah, but that I will leave her. We work very
    hard at our relationship, and I reassure her of my love as I continue to question the WTS.

    For myself, the easiest thing to do was to make it clear to my wife that I had serious doubts
    about WTS version of "the truth." I did this by stepping aside as an elder before I discussed
    anything with the wife, then I was able to tell her why I did that. A bold action demands an
    answer. You say you "chickened out." That's being a bit harsh on yourself. While I explained
    myself to the wife, I still only said I had serious doubts, when in reality, I "chickened out" of
    telling her that I no longer believe they have the truth. I still go to many meetings with the wife,
    but I continue to cut back. You are pacing yourself to reveal things carefully to the wife. If you
    need to do more, you will find a way.

    I suggest you consider a plan to convince her of your love. Spend quality time with the family and
    also alone with the wife. Reassure her of your love and stability, then do what you need to do about
    the Borg.

  • Crumpet

    Well done Xbehere - like Satanus said you didnt chicken out - you tried to say how you felt. Take it gently with her but if she continues you must ask her why she feels it is acceptable to use emotional blackmail on her. Explain that if you continue your duties as an elder it is going to put such and emptional strain on you that you are probably going to fail your family and not be the father that they need and you want them to remember. Tell her you love your family more than the extended family and it does say in the elders manuals that an elder has to be one who is manging his own flock and that if you fail in this you will be demoted anyway. She may prefer to take the route that you have decided to step down to pay more attention to your family than that you get deleted and removed. You may also like to point out that it is very difficult to solely take the lead in spiritual things since her medical condition has reduced her support, that you really need her support at the moment and are sad that she is unable to offer this as your wife and companion.

    (Okay so its a bit of emotional blackmail in return - I dont know your full circumstances and only you know what she will respond best to) For some wives this would be the time to mention that other elder in such and such a conversation who felt so overcome by strain he had a breakdown and abandoned his family.... there's bound to be an example or two of that nature in your state - there invariably is!

    best of luck - keep us posted and we arfe all here to offer you support and advice!

    I hope the flowers goes well although part of me thinks you shouldn't really be spoiling her when she is not listening to your needs and trying her best to help you.

  • becca1

    willyloman and onthewayout gave some good advice, you should listen to them.

Share this