When "friends" let you down... (page 2)

Crumpet

There are the 'good-time' friends and ones that are there for you no matter what.
Sounds like the ones you mention are just good-time friends. They say you know who your true friends are when you need them.... A friendship needs to go both ways.... (ahem) giving and receiving....

I do know the difference between good time friends and not.

This is what happened - about 3 years ago a couple who were our neighbours and close friends called off their imminent wedding. This was as much a shock to the bride as it was to us. They separated living accomodation and of course the jilted bride was very very upset - she hadnt seen it coming, they';d been together 3 years etc etc. I was on call for her 24 hrs a day - i held her hand through the whole business for months afterwards, took her out, neglected my own relationship to be there for her etc etc. And at the time when she was full of gratitude etc and said what a wonderful friend I was I said well I would hope that if I ever found myself in a similar situation i would really hope my friends would be there for me too.

So here we are 3 or 4 years on. She is getting married to someone else - is blissfully happy and considers it a blessing that she never married boy friend 1- which is awesome - I am so happy for her. We dont live near enough to be friends who see each other regularly anymore but we speak and email and meet upo every few months when she can drag herself away from future hubby. Thats cool - I know how it goes. However I email to tell her that I am moving out after 9 years with my bf - and she doesnt even bother to reply. So I text her with my new address - thinking well maybe she'll phone and offer me some support or comfort maybe ask if I want to go out and drown my sorrows or something. Nothing. So I catch her on msn - she says hi - doesnt even mention my life changing situation. So I bring it up casually - did you get my new address and she says "yeah and then along the lines of well it's probably for the best or something equally pithy and with no real thought whatsoever. And I am left wondering - how she would have managed. At the time when she got dumped her concerned and rightly so dumper said that a lot of her so called friends had abandoned her and could I take her under my wing a bit, which I would have donw anyway because I am like that.

So it seems she learnt nothing and is just as bad as her own fairweather friends. I feel a bit tee-ed off to not get any support at all from her. I have to say the rest of my friends have done what they can to be good to me and I'm really grateful for that. And of course you guys have all be spectacularly awesome and help me cope with the day to day by stimulating my mind, giving me ideas, taking me out of myself so I can think and comment on yoru problems, and making me laugh.

FMZ

My really good friends would get an email back saying something like "you suck at this friend stuff don't you? now give some some sympathy before I go postal on your ass"
If they aren't really good friends I don't expect much from them.

Believe her... she's telling the truth FMZ

scotsman

I've come to accept that friendships evolve, they wax, they wane and sometimes end. Some people give a lot, others take a lot and unless you want to be perpetually hung up on it you have to let things slide.

rebel8

Have I ever not had that experience with any friend is a more likely question. Every single friend and relative I've had in my life has let me down in at least one very major heartbreaking way, except Mr. Rebel8. (And that is in spite of me being a very giving/supportive friend to many people.)

I expect expect no compassion, sympathy, emotional support, or sharing in life's joys from anyone but Mr. Rebel8. Everyone else is pretty much just an adjunct to my life. I have learned that none of my emotional/social needs can be expected to be met by anyone else.

Sad but a fact I have learned to accept.

PaulJ

Thats really sad Crumpet you deserve better than that

trevor

Crumpet, we all have different needs and friends cannot fill them. Expectations general lead to disappointment.

The answer is to become self sufficient and rely on yourself to get you through the hard times. Your friends have their own worries and cares and although they like to share their problems they don’t want to be on the receiving end. They are afraid you will want from them what they are not able to give.

They will be far more available if they sense that you are not looking to them for answers or help. Surprise them by showing genuine concern for them. Doing this will help you get through this difficult time.

Trevor - Agony Aunt & fountain of dubious wisdom.

Rooster

I don't have any friends. Only family & they are alway there when I need them.

Sassy

well even my closest friends have let me down at times when I thought they would be there for me. I guess, sadly, I've learned to lower my expectations and realize that if i am going to get through something, the only person I can count on to get me through it is me..

Don't get me wrong, I will still hope they are there for me... but... at least my expecations aren't so high...

I'm sorry about your situation with your breakup Crumpet.. after 9 yrs that has to be tough..

tijkmo

i think those that have helped others in the past feel it the hardest when it isnt reciprocated

i spent my whole life helping others

and no-one helped me when i needed it most

bygones

tim hooper

I do know the difference between good time friends and not.

Unfortunately, very few friendships are 100% reciprocal. As in most relationships, there is a giver and there is a taker as well.

You were able to give to your friend when she was in trouble, but when the tides were reversed she just wasn't the giving kind, it seems. Funnily enough, she may well be the giver in other friendships. But not to you, I'm afraid.

I've been through a similar situation in the last couple of years; I listened for hours on end to a mate who's marriage had just gone belly-up, and sat through endless tirades about his scheming and unfaithful wife. Fast forward to last Spring when my own marriage bit the dust, and he really couldn't have been less interested!

We're still on good terms, but these days he's not as big as I thought he was.

tim

When "friends" let you down...

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