Did leaving the borg ruin your marriage

by Billzfan23 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • Grace

    It is now five full years since I left, and now I believe our marriage is stronger than ever because I live in the real "truth": I am no longer living a lie. I came to my senses on 9/11, and by November 2001 I was back at the church where I grew up. It's where I still am today, and this is non-negotiable.

    The first couple of years of the change were tough. My husband went through a spell where he was very mean to me. Even now occasionally he has "cutting" remarks but I know he is programmed to say these hateful things. We have a deep friendship and, above all, a commitment to the marriage. Yes, I am shunned by all the people who I thought were friends, but I have created my own people-pool. I am independent, often I act alone, attend worship alone, but I believe I am stronger for it. I can stand on my own two feet. There is peace of mind knowing I can and do use my God-given mind. I support my husband in his meetings and service out of respect and love for him. And I must live what I believe which is true religious tolerance and acceptance.

    The surprise is that we're still together, and really do enjoy each other's company a lot now. I am no longer a round peg in a square hole.

    There will be many (good) surprises for you too, now that you're true to yourself. You'll see!

    Grace to you.

  • Abandoned

    No, leaving the borg didn't ruin my marriage - joining the borg did. My first wife left me a few months after I started studying. I could wring the neck of the jw who told me how proud god was of me that I was making a sacrifice for the kingdom. Man what an ugly god the jw worship.

  • AudeSapere
    they both have told me how tough it has been on them at school to be a witness, and to stifle friendships and association just to please Mom and Dad.

    A voice inside me is screaming: "Let them be NORMAL kids! Let them have a REAL childhood!!"

    Another quieter voice is saying: "Shut up, Aude. He needs to do what's best for everyone and you (Aude) aren't in any position to counsel or advise."

    This whole situation really, really s...u...c...k...s...

    Yes. It does. I feel for you and your kids. And for your wife, too.


  • PaNiCAtTaCk

    COMBATTING CULT MIND CONTROL and releasing the bonds were both instrumental in getting my wife to see the truth. They were somewhat neutral to her, so she would listen. I underlined quotes and would read them to her to get her interested. There are several powerful quotes in these books. It was amazing to me to see just how similar all high control groups are. After we read combating cult mind control and releasing the bonds then Crisis of Conscience was welcomed without hesitation. It was freedom for her, from that point on. Even though i personally read CoC first, Steve hassans books really helped me tremendously, on my own exit. They helped me past those little doubts that would still come up, things like "yeah, they predicted the end several times but maybe they are the CLOSEST thing to the truth":) All groups are the same and i dont think i will ever fit in, anywhere. I know the JW's arent the truth and all the JEsus talk makes me sick to my stomach. I am now reading books about mormon fundamentalism. I think im more interested in religions than the bible at this point in my life.

  • evetteto


  • avidbiblereader

    Hello, I am totally new to this forum (only my second day and post), I have been out of the organization for about 6 years. I was raised a witness and we stopped going when I was 11 and I returned at 18 years old after a 7 year deal with partying, girls, drinking and so forth. I became a pioneer, MS and eventually an elder who later became very disappointed in the org. Eventually I couldn't continue to follow UNSCRIPTURAL beliefs and teachings and slowed way down. My ex wife would turn me into elder after elder seeking a divorce and trying to get me DF'd, after many meetings where I had elders who wouldn't answer my questions or realized that I knew of their "good ole boy system" of drunkeness, lying, cheating in business, HATRED of fellow humans (brothers), incest, and every imaginable sin that they condemn the world for, going on in the congr, they would no longer meet with me as they had no answers for their conduct Romans 2:1-3 which says 1 You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. 2 And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. 3 Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things?.

    vss 17-24 also is fitting here as it applies to what all of us have witnessed in the organization when Paul states 17 You who call yourselves Jews are relying on God’s law, and you boast about your special relationship with him. 18 You know what he wants; you know what is right because you have been taught his law. 19 You are convinced that you are a guide for the blind and a light for people who are lost in darkness. 20 You think you can instruct the ignorant and teach children the ways of God. For you are certain that God’s law gives you complete knowledge and truth.

    21 Well then, if you teach others, why don’t you teach yourself? You tell others not to steal, but do you steal? 22 You say it is wrong to commit adultery, but do you commit adultery? You condemn idolatry, but do you use items stolen from pagan temples? [ b ] 23 You are so proud of knowing the law, but you dishonor God by breaking it. 24 No wonder the Scriptures say, “The Gentiles blaspheme the name of God because of you.” [

    Well eventually after the last meeting, she did leave me and I suspected her of cheating on me AGAIN, as I caught her in our fifth year of marriage and we were now facing our 20th, she would never answer me and left my daughter who was then 16, she ran to the comfort of her powerful and rich family who controlled most of the congr's in our area as they were the servant body or influenced them with jobs and so forth. They eventually had hundreds of witnesses in our area to believe I was an apostate and violent, the witnesses would LITERALLY run from me in stores and public places, I am totally non violent and have never even punched a wall yet alone a person, hardly and rarely curse and even then completely feel bad afterward. It was totally untrue and she was granted her divorce based on Spiritual Endangerment, ha, where do you find that scripture? Oh well, we will all have to answer for our actions and false teachings, however as I was saying about my daughter and I. It shattered my daughters life as my ex finally got both of us DF'd, she never had to face me for any suspicions of adultery, hid behind the elders in meetings without me, agian totally unscriptural as it completely goes against every step of headship starting with Jah to Christ to the husband 1 COR 11:3 and 1 COR 14:34,35, she changed her name after the first week of separation, filed for the divorce and was completely exonterated by the congr as I moved on with my life and new wife with my daughter, 8 months after her divorcing Jehovah God and her faithful non-violent husband of 20 years, who never asked her to work one day and pay one bill, but who supported her in the pioneer work as she lived in three brand new houses and drove luxery cars, had over 25K of jewerly on 5 rings, expensive vacations, (BUT WHO JUST WOULDN"T GO ALONG WITH THE WITNESSES ANYMORE). The witnesses ruined my faith in God for about two years as I realized I put my faith in an organization instead of God and His Son. My daughter suffered for years for the abandonment by her family and mother, needed counceling, she is doing much better even though she has good and bad days. It has taken time but now I have a loving family who love me for who I am, and my faith is now restored stonger than ever in Jah and His Son where is should have been all along. I try to read the Bible about 2-3 times a year, with deep heartfelt prayer and asking for His guidance as I read to draw close to God. The way I look at it, the org has it's own rules it applies to its members which are not God given rules. I have come to peace with it and have asked God to forgive them as I feel that Romans 3:4 applies to all us us which says, Even if everyone else is a liar, God is true. As the Scriptures say about him,

    “You will be proved right in what you say,
    and you will win your case in court.”

    None of us are right with God and I beleive that in the end, God will prove all of us liars, hopefully we can have enough humility instead of the arrogance that is associated with this religion in its condemnation of the everyone that is not a Witness. If not going to the meetings ruins your marriage, may it not ruin your most prized relationship with our Creator and His Son. When eventually He will satisfy everyone of our desires, whether in this life of the next, where the real life lies. I wish you well my brother and as the Ps put it in 27:10-14 says

    10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
    the L ord will hold me close.

    11 Teach me how to live, O L ord .
    Lead me along the right path,
    for my enemies are waiting for me.
    12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
    For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
    with every breath they threaten me with violence.

    13 Yet I am confident I will see the L ord ’s goodness
    while I am here in the land of the living.

    14 Wait patiently for the L ord .
    Be brave and courageous.
    Yes, wait patiently for the L ord .

    He will lead you in the right path no matter what others may condemn you of or leave you, He is always faithful and knows all things, as Paul put it best in 1 Cor 4: 2-5 says

    2 Now, a person who is put in charge as a manager must be faithful. 3 As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don’t even trust my own judgment on this point. 4 My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t prove I’m right. It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide. 5 So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due.

    You cannot stop what is going to happen, but you can change how you will handle it, how you will deal with it, how it will affect your relationship with your Creator and His Son, as Is 41 says, he will take hold of you with His right hand and he will not let the righteous fall or totter. Have faith in what you know is true, as Jesus said the truth is God's Word, the Light is His Son, the Way is through Him. It is not man made teachings that are claimed the truth, the light or the way. The way I look at it, if I am going to err, I am going to err on the side of reading and trusting the Bible not man made teachings or writings, I don't believe you can go wrong with that. Throw it on God and He will sustain you. I hope this helps in just a little way as our only and pure comfort lies with God and His Son with the promised HS,

  • Honesty

    Tape, tape, tape!!!!

    I had to take my ex to court for contempt when she constantly defied court ordered visitation because I am considered an evil apostate by her cult.

    It has been a nightmare. If I knew then what I know now I would have taped everything for the last 2 years we were together and probably would have gained custody.

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I have been fading for a year and a half. My husband still very much believes it is the truth. He knows how I feel though and about some of the things I have learned about the dubs. He has not turned me into the elders as we have grown children still in. It has not ruined my marriage, but it has caused many an argument.

    I think you need to give your wife her space. She has a lot of family to lose. Emphasize that she is free to believe what she chooses and you would appreciate the same respect from her. Remember this has been her whole life. She doesn't know anything else and is probably afraid.

    We have come to an agreement not to argue about religion, If he breaks the agreement, I will usually release some stinging responses about the dubs, mostly due to anger-not really a good idea. We are feeling our way through, but want to keep the marriage intact. If you want to help your wife and children, do take it slow, read up on cult mind control and make home a pleasant place for your children. All the bitterness and arguing will affect them too. They will see the truth for what it is and this is what may break through to your wife. Most mothers live for their children. Don't force anything on your children, let them choose.

    I don't know much about taping your wife. I don't think she would react very favorably if she found out. If you love your wife and kids, just please take it very slow.

  • TheListener

    Wow what a lot of information and personal experiences - good for this board! This is exactly why I come here. To learn from others.


    I faded over the course of a few years. It was the cause of many many arguments and some non-speaking days and some sleeping by myself. I have children living at home.

    I went very slow. I gave her time to adjust to each new step. She realized pretty quickly what was happening and didn't much like it. I was very concerned that she was going to leave me. We discussed it and she told me that she wouldn't leave.

    I relaxed some after that but I know she could change or be influenced by others to change her mind on that at any point.

    I started out telling her what I was finding out and how blown away I was by all the information I found that I had no idea existed. That went over like a lead balloon. She would listen to me with her mouth gaping open and she couldn't believe it either. Then when I was finished speaking she'd say that I was negative and she didn't like to hear negativity.

    I soon learned to keep my mouth shut.

    I haven't attended meetings for some time now. We have developed a don't ask don't tell policy. I don't tell her how I feel about the organization and she doesn't tell me how she feels about me not going. Occasionally something will erupt and we'll have an argument, but that is the exception not the rule.

    However, I do realize that her deep abiding love for me has waned. We are married because she took a vow, we have kids and I provide for the family. We're not married because she enjoys being with me or because we communicate so well. We really don't have the kind of quality relationship I'd hoped I would have with my spouse. I'm hanging in there because I want to save my kids. Maybe she'll eventually leave and maybe not, but I want to save my kids.

    My kids do sports, have worldly friends, etc etc. It helps balance them. Make sure they understand that God doesn't hate everyone not a witness and that many people can love God and be good people yet never be a witness. And most importantly, love your children unconditionally!

    Good luck. pm me anytime.

  • J-ex-W

    Yes, I absolutely recommend using a tape recorder!!! I would also strongly recommend that you do so--and follow through!--with the court in mind, as you said. I made the mistake of not following through with this in a meaningful fashion...in court...and instead presented what little bit of recorded evidence I had gleaned to the elders. [The context of it was to prove his abusive rants aimed at me, and in front of the kids. Plus it proved, definitively--which the elder acknowledged--that my ex had lied to the elders during their investigation into our marital matters (my abuse allegations).]

    But then one of them said to me, "If he had a history of getting violent, I'd be concerned how [your husband] would react if he knew you'd been following him around with a tape recorder." I backed off letting them pursue the judicial action I had been requesting then...walking away feeling further intimidated and discouraged (after all, it was a legitimate concern) instead of feeling emboldened and supported. A couple years later, I finally gave them permission to use the recording and the elder's firsthand knowledge of my ex's lies about the events therein [the recording and the elder now comprising the 'two witnesses' necessary for judicial action to take place]. I never did hear of any action taking place. To this day, my ex has no idea that I was following him around with a recorder.

    Anyway, at the very least, the tapes literally SAVED MY SANITY!!! I finally had some confirmation that the kinds of the things he would say and do really WERE as I had perceived them, and not as he would later re-tell it in his watered-down, twisted versions. It would leave me feeling a very fundamental disconnect from, and distrust of, my own sense of perception--hence, the increasing threat to sanity. I kid you not. IT SAVED MY SANITY!!! If recording your wife and the insane household goings-on never even makes it to court, at the very least, it will help you to stay grounded and sure-footed in the insane situation you are just about to embark on! Good luck to you. I really hope things with your wife level out.

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