Did leaving the borg ruin your marriage

by Billzfan23 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • Billzfan23

    Has anyone else here left the borg and had it go over like a lead ballon, ruining their marriage? Mine is quickly heading that way. I have been married for about a decade, and have a couple of kids - both in grade school. It was a happy marriage where there were few problems the whole time that I was a servant and an elder. I stepped aside as an elder a few weeks ago and want to fade out of the organization completely. I don't think it is the truth for all of the same reasons that you folks do. However, my wife and I are in conflict constantly because she feels that I am confusing the kids and ruining the family. I have no zeal in field service (I still accompany her) and I don't like to socialize with the dubs anymore. I hate attending meetings as much as my kids do and I have a hard time hiding it. In addition, I told the kids that they can associate with whoever they want, including kids from school or in their class. I signed my son up to play a school sport and I even coach his team - he is absolutely thrilled but my wife hates it and wants to hide it from the congregation. In addition, I don't waste the family's time with study and cultish crap like I used to. My wife disagrees with everything, refuses to let them associate with "worldly" kids. Just in case it gets real ugly and she wants a divorce (I don't see this happening because she is pretty faithful, and knows that unless I die or cheat she is stuck) what should I do? Would any of you recommend me taping some of her cultish "anti world" or even "Armageddon thumping" rants for use perhaps later on in court should it come down to a custody battle? I have a very small portable audio recorder that saves in .wav format (easily burned to a CD) that I use for business conferences and I can silently record her conversations with the kids and with me. I know that there have been cases in the past where the worldly spouse can get custody and protect his children if he has evidence that the teachings of the organization that the wife exposes the children to is dangerous or anti government, military, and academically challenging (with radical views of extra-carricular activities and secondary education). Please let me know your thoughts and suggestions.

  • bernadette

    Would any of you recommend me taping some of her cultish "anti world" or even "Armageddon thumping" rants for use perhaps later on in court should it come down to a custody battle?

    Definitely. Remember, you are dealing with a highly manipulative organisation that plays dirty if and when it needs to in order to hang on to its members. I have taken 'precautions' because my priority has been to get my loved ones out. I love my husband but as far as I'm concerned he is not in control of his own thinking - the org is.


  • james_woods

    Well, I must say that "yes, in a sense it did".

    And, she left at the same time I did and never went back either.

    What we found out was that we were both practically "raised in the Witnesses" and got pushed into a marriage that neither one of us would have gone for had that not been the case.

    She found somebody else, I found somebody else, & guess what!!!

    life goes on.

    Hope all goes well with you.


  • anewme

    Yes it did BIGTIME!!!!

    I had a 20 year marriage with my first love and never thought the day would come we would part until the day we died!

    All that changed when I asked to be excused from some of the meetings and occasionally from weekend field service. After all I had been serving faithfully for 35 years. I wasnt asking to retire, just go part time!

    Anyway, the arguments and preaching began without end from the elder husband.
    NO LET UP was the answer I got. We had the bookstudy at our house and weekend F.S. plus my husband had 2 or 3 Bible Studies who came to our house for their study weekly. I was expected at every meeting and both days to participate in F.S.

    After months of harassment and nightly counsel sessions my friendship with my husband started to undergo a change. I remember how I began to think he would rather see me dead and faithful to the Borg than happy and doing something other than religious stuff all the time. I began to view myself as a prisoner and my husband as NO FRIEND.

    That was the beginning of the end for my marriage.

    The fanaticism on the part of my husband was a shock.
    I am so glad there were no children involved.

    It was soooo easy to leave. I just packed up and left.

    Got my own place and never went back.

    Filed for divorce some time later.


  • OnTheWayOut

    I don't have any advice on what to do with the kids and impending possible divorce. I do know that my wife says she loves me, but as I fade, her hopes are dim for my reactivation as a JW. She continues to hope against hope for my doubts to go away. I am hoping for the wedge in her beliefs/doubts to get wider. I think my wife will stay faithful to the borg and not seek divorce from me. This should give me time to work on her some.

    I do recommend that you start reading material to help the family members out of the cult. I did read Steve Hassan's COMBATTING CULT MIND CONTROL. Now I am reading his second book, RELEASING THE BONDS. These seem to have some good ideas. David Reed also has some JW specific books (but they consider those apostate, while Steve Hassan was never a JW) that say to start attacking the base of the WT. (If you thought of your family as willing captives in an actual Watch Tower, taking shots at their beliefs would be like picking off archers in the tower from a distance. There are more archers to replace them and they recover from wounds. You need to undermine the entire tower so family sees that it is a dangerous place. Books and JWD can explain better than me how to do that.)

    Even though I am having a hard time breaking through to the wife, I firmly believe that she is a good person who wants to do what is right. I focus on the positive things. If necessary, I will resort to the "Head of the Family" control issue to keep elders off her back about me, to get some small amount of cooperation from her. The problem, I do understand, is that she is in a high-control cult, and they will advise her to spy on me, to go behind my back to stay faithful to the WTS. Put your kids first at all costs to your marriage, if necessary. That, alone, might save your wife.

  • garybuss

    You wrote: "Just in case it gets real ugly and she wants a divorce (I don't see this happening because she is pretty faithful, and knows that unless I die or cheat she is stuck)"

    All she has to do is tell her story to the elders and she has a good solid case for "absolute endangerment of spirituality". I've seen elders physically move Witness women and children out of homes for their religious protection due to "absolute endangerment of spirituality".

  • moshe

    I've seen elders physically move Witness women and children out of homes for their religious protection due to "absolute endangerment of spirituality".
    Yes, they helped hide my wife and kids back in 1989- it took a court order to bring them out of hiding and restore my parental rights.

    Was my marriage ruined by my leaving? Well yes and no. Looking back we got involved with the JW's a couple years after we got married. All the fun went out of our married life from that point forward- so I think that it was ruined from the moment we entered JW life.

  • 95stormfront

    It almost did. When I first stopped going to meetings my wife used every guilt inducing technique she could find to try to get me to go back. One night in particular, she was going on and on to the point where I got nauseated, ran to the bathroom and threw up. You think that stopped her......nope.....she picked right up where she'd left off. Her verbal harassment only intensified when I started going to college. She clandestinely "arranged" for elders to come to my house and "counsel" me. I think now, 10 years past all that conflict, that she's resigned to the fact that I'll never be the ideal male JW she wanted me to be. Oh, she sometimes tries to get her dig in every now and then, but I have a look I give her that tells her she really doesn't want to go down that road and she backs off.

  • new boy
    new boy


    It didn't ruin my marriage it just ended it!.............................27 years

    There was no yelling, screaming..................She just got in her car and drove away..........She called me 2 days latter and said "when you get your mind straighten out with the church..............I'll be back!"................Then I turned my letter 6 weeks latter.

  • carla

    Can't you use the 'head of the house' routine? I never let my kids step foot in the hell with my new convert to jwism. He is gone all the time and they only had me as a full time parent, basically. They need the extraciricular activities and to meet all kinds of people. I suggest you allow them a break (if not completely stopping) from all the jw activities and let them be kids. If she feels they should be informed about wt doctrine and jw's, you could start with the history of the org, pyramids and all! Include all the false dates, etc..... Then lets look at recent history, vaccinations, blood issues, UN, Randcam, pedophile issue and on and on you go. She really can't complain if she insists they learn about her religion. You also could take a look at all the world religions including the Catholics, Hindu, Jews, Lutherans, Wiccan's, etc..... Should you ever need an attorney, the folks at Witness Inc. may be able to suggest one with jw experience. Best wishes. Your childrens mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical safety is at stake here.

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