TIME FOR ANOTHER LAUGH!

by Dansk 53 Replies latest social humour

• 

  bem

  Okay I'll quit after this one

  Water vs. Wine In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
  demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the
  end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
  Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other
  words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
  
  However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,
  whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
  purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
  Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
  
  Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to
  drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm
  doing it as a public service
• 

  R.Crusoe

  Mrs Jones decided to take a vacation to get away from all the hustle and bustle of her momcraazy lifestyle! She arrived on the West Coast boulevard with all the sweetstuff she could pack before her long lonley journey and hauled her luggage up to the hotel with the neon 'VACANCIES' sign before pressing the button which sounded out 'Star Spangled Banner for the countlessth time! An upstairs window opened and a guy with 666 on his forehead called down, 'Whadya want?' Mrs Jones called up,' I wanna stay here!' - to which he retorted,' Well stay there but quit pressin that damn button!' Mrs Jones breathed a sigh and bent to grasp at the chord to her luggage as a bead of sweat dripped anto the marble, quickly evaporating in the baking heat. Further down the row, she finally located a room to rent and slept the day through. Following morning saw Mrs Jones out in the bay after a healthy breakfast of pressed orange and oatcakes and a slug of aloe vera! She was feeling activefor the first time in a long time and had an urge for adventure which coincided with happening upon a notice for diving lessons at a budget price due to the latest innovation in underwater self instruction booklets. She inquired and was soon on the edge of the jetty wearing diving helmet , cylinders and catamaran flippers. Clutching her training pack she took the plunge - shooting 30m down into the ocean and starling a pair of copulating squid so badly they changed several colours before slipping away as only squids know how. Mrs J switched o her torch and started to read her instructions from the manual and tick them off one by one with her underwater pen which was tricky because the first instruction read - 'Stick out your left arm in front of you and pull to the side!' - Instruction 2 said 'Repeat with right arm!' After which Mrs J was moving like an overweight turle along the ocean floor in synchronised swimming mode till she spotted a guy straight ahead fully kitted out with 'STEVE YOUNG' across his shoulder pads dancing around like a cheerleader. Hastilyi Mrs J synchronised in his direction, doing her best to impress him, and handing him a note she wrote with her underwater pad and pen.'Excuse me, but what brings yo 30m down on the bottom of the ocean dressed for a ball game and looking so mighty fine with all them fast moves you're pullin?' The guy snatched the pen and pad off her and scrawled, 'I'm ****** drownin you silly ***** ,aint it just my luck to bump into a woman at a time like this?'
• 

  Dansk

  A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM .. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied , ' in-laws'
• 

  Dansk

  A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter.
  
  The bartender walked over to the man and asked,"What's in the bag?"
  
  The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about 9" high and set him on the counter. Then, he reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. Finally, he reached into the bag and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.
  
  The little man sat down at the piano, and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
  
  "Where on earth did you get that?" asked the bartender.
  
  The man responded by reaching into the paper bag and pulling out a magic lamp. He handed the lamp to the bartender and said, "Here. Rub it."
  
  The bartender rubbed the lamp. Suddenly there was a plume of smoke and a beautiful genie stood before him.
  
  "I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"
  
  The bartender got real excited, and without hesitating he said, "I want a million bucks!"
  
  A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming!
  
  The bartender turned to the man and said, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
  not a million ducks."
  
  "No sh**," said the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist!"