TIME FOR ANOTHER LAUGH!

by Dansk 53 Replies latest social humour

  • Faolan
    Faolan

    Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter who tells them that because they have been very good nuns and led very chaste lives, they can all go back down to earth for six months, taking on the form of any famous woman of their choosing.

    The first nun says she wants to go back as Bridget Bardot because she was rich and beautiful and got all the men. In a flash she turns into Bridget Bardot and heads back down to earth.

    The second nun says she wants to go back as Audrey Hepurn because she too was rich and beautiful and got all the men. In a flash she turns into Audrey Hepburn and off she goes back to earth.

    St. Peter turns to the third nun and asks her who she would like to be. She replies that she would like to go back to earth as "Sarah Pipileeni". "Sarah Pipileeni" replies St. Peter, "who on earth was she, that doesn't ring any bells!". At this the nun takes a newspaper clipping from inside her habit and says "here, look" - the headline read:

    ""Sahara Pipeline, laid by 1,400 men in six months"".

  • Gadget
    Gadget

    A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

    So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

    "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    A little boy walks in on his father having a shower and pointing to his penis asks:

    "What's that?"

    "Oh, that's my spaceship." replied the father.

    "Cor, isn't it little!", came the childlike response.

    "Yes," said his dad, "but it grows bigger when it gets near ma's (Mars)."

    Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

    Ian

  • Snoozy
    Snoozy

    Faolan...I didn't think I would ever hear that joke again!...

    I heard it when I first started working in the bank. My boss told it to me and I laughed so hard he decided to keep me and give me a raise...

    Sahara Pipeline...still makes me laugh..

    Thanks for posting it so I can remember how it went!

    Snoozy...

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    The following was sent in by a woman about to have a mammogram: Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

    EXERCISE ONE:

    Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

    Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

    EXERCISE TWO:

    Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

    EXERCISE THREE:

    Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

    Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.


  • Dansk
    Dansk

    EVER WONDER WHY WE FORWARD JOKES?

    A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

    After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

    When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

    "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

    "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

    "Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

    The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

    "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

    "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

    The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

    After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

    "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

    "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

    "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

    "There should be a bowl by the pump."

    They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

    The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

    "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

    "This is Heaven," he answered.

    "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

    "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

    "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

    No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

    Soooo...
    Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

    Maybe this will explain.

    When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
    You forward jokes.

    When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

    When you have something to say, but don't know what to say, and don't know how to say it, you forward jokes..

    Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
    Guess what you get?
    A forwarded joke.

    So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

    You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime!

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    If Dogs Sent Letters To God

    Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
    one another?
    Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
    same old story?
    Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
    mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
    dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
    ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler
    Beagle'?
    Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
    him, is he still a bad dog?
    Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
    signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic
    energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
    Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
    Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to
    get in?
    Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
    apologize?
    Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
    Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must
    remember to be a good dog:

    (1)I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw
    it up.

    (2)I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
    like the way they smell.

    (3)I will not munch on 'leftovers' in the kitty litter box; although
    they are tasty, they are not food.

    (4)The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

    (5)The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

    (6)The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

    (7)My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

    (8)I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
    driver's license and registration.

    (9)I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
    toilet.

    (10)Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
    saying 'hello.'

    (11)I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under
    the coffee table.

    (12)I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
    house.

    (13)I will not throw up in the car.

    (14)I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
    the carpet.

    (15)I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
    when company is over.

    (16)The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes
    that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

  • Dansk
    Dansk

    What kind of ducks rob banks?
    SAFE QUACKERS.

    What did the little bird say to the big bird?
    PECK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE.

    How can you tell a miser from his pet canary?
    ONE'S A LITTLE CHEAP, BUT THE OTHER IS A LITTLE CHEEPER.

    What do you call a Parrot made out of plastic?
    POLLY-ESTHER!

    Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons watched as a Mercedes pulled in below them. "WHAT DO YOU THINK" one bird said to the other. "SHOULD WE PUT A DEPOSIT ON THAT CAR?"

  • bem
    bem

    WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND." NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS." MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!

  • bem
    bem

    >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
    HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
    ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

    DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

    AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

    JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

    BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

    POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

    PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

    GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

    AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

    CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

    SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

    SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless..... is there food involved??

    POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

    BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

    WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

    LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

    BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs!

    MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

    BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.........

    AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark.

    GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're hanging the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."

    DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

    ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

    CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!

    SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

    BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

    WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!

    GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."

    DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it......... No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)

    IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

    PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb.......... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb????

    SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: "Change the light bulb?? Can I? Can I? Let me do it, ok ok? I wanna... give me the light bulb... Wait, was that a car outside, go away car go away. Wait, that's a cat on the lawn... what are you doing on the lawn, huh huh? Is it fun out there on the lawn? Can I come play with you... Wait, is that the mailman? It is, it is! Hi there mailman, are you having lotsa fun out there mailman. I'll be it's fun being a mailman...." Eventually, you put cotton in your ears and change the lightbulb yourself.

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