Need advice - marriage in crisis

by truthseeker 71 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  truthseeker

  Hi all,

  I've been a member of this forum for a while now. I need some advice. I can't say too much about myself because I'm still an active witness, though not by choice.

  My marriage is in trouble and the one thing that causes it is being a member of Jehovah's Witnesses.

  I was born and raised in the truth like so many others here. My siblings didn't commit to baptism, fortunately for them. My parents are both inactive. I got baptized because I felt there was nothing stopping me from doing so.

  Fast forward a few years...

  I met my wife online, we later got married and our problems soon started.

  She was a regular pioneer, I wasn't.

  She wanted me to get up at all sorts of ungodly hours to preach, I didn't.

  I was never a zealot in the truth - I did my ten hours a month and that was that.

  She didn't like it because I wasn't the "person she thought I was" when we were dating online.

  To her, I was a spiritual failure. I was hopeless as a spiritual head.

  We rarely had a family study, and the reason is, quite simply, that I knew the history, the doctrinal changes of Jehovah's Witnesses and didn't want to commit anymore.

  I stopped contributing. I make up my hours every month.

  My meeting attendance is now about 50%. I don't prestudy for any of the meetings. I only read the WT to see what they're saying. I don't comment.

  My wife is beside herself. I told her what I know, Silent Lambs, UN/NGO affair, changing their books (Live Forever book), sublimal imagery, anything I could find out about the WT. She believes me, but that comes at a price.

  Her faith is shattered. I told her that Jesus said not to look to anyone else for salvation but him, but to no avail.

  My wife came off the pioneer list a few years ago because she needed to work full time to make ends meet.

  I may have been too forthcoming at times, but I truly believe that if you know something is wrong and you don't do something about it, you are responsible.

  I told my wife I no longer believe in the faithful and discreet slave, that they have lied to us about so many things.

  On top of all this, we have a young child who I don't want raised in the religion. I told my wife about the flip flop in the blood doctrine and what would she do if our child needed blood or a fraction of it. - "I don't want to talk about it," she said.

  Deep down, she doesn't believe much of it, she knows what I have showed her is true and she has never defended the Society. But, all her friends are in it.

  My wife was not raised in the truth, she came into it in her mid 20s. So to her, she's left the world and come into Jehovah's organization. She likes the lifestyle, the community and feels she couldn't make friends if she left the truth.

  I told her I would stop saying anything about the Watchtower if she let me be and didn't pressure me to go to meetings. That didn't work for long, dubs were asking her "why isn't your husband coming to the meetings, is he ill again?"

  So the pressure is too much for her, she's tired of telling people at the hall that "he's sick again."

  Meanwhile, I have been accused of destroying the family because of what I told her.

  If I leave the religion, there is a good chance my wife will leave me and take our child. She won't be able to handle having an apostate in the home, even an inactive one.

  Any advice?
• 

  Fe2O3Girl

  Do you love her?
• 

  truthseeker

  Yes Fe203Girl, I do.

  The thing with this religion, is that it's such a BIG part of your life.

  Our love for each other is under great strain because I don't want to be a JW anymore. How can she love someone who is turning their back on Jehovah?
• 

  truthseeker

  I'm not trying to get out of our marriage, I believe in the principles of marriage.

  Truth be told, when a spouse decides they don't believe in the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses anymore, their spouse will often chuck marital vows out of the window.

  We're taught that Jehovah comes first, our spouse, kids, then ourself.

  When you analyze this, it's not enough that God comes first - the organization is part of the "God comes first" hierachy.

  So if I'm not doing anything the Society's way, then I'm not putting god first.

  I've tried not saying anything negative about the religion to her. Things do quiet down for a while.

  But the fact is, that if I miss a meeting or don't prestudy, the old arguments come up again.

  I've tried maintaining the status quo, but it's wearing me down.

  And now that we have a child, I don't want them to go what I went through and so many others here.

  Our child will be taught that: they can't have non-witness friends, can't ever celebrate a birthday, can't go to university, will have to pioneer after high school and put Jehovah first, will have to be taught doctine that will by then probably have changed again.
• 

  Fe2O3Girl

  I know that to a JW, the Watchtower and Jehovah are the same thing. However, if you do retain some belief in God and the Bible, reassure her strongly of this. Don't allow her to label you an unbeliever. On the other hand, if you don't believe in God anymore, don't fake it.

  As an adult convert, JWism has given her something she felt was missing in her life. Even though you have felled her trust in the WT, she is still attached to the organisation. You have to substitute what she is getting by continuing to be a JW. It's very hard to do when she is programmed that everything outside the WT is worthless at best, but more likely evil.

  Meantime, tell her and show her that you love her, incessantly. Be the best husband you can be. Then show her you love her a bit more.
• 

  vitty

  This is a real tough one..........................speaking as a wife of an MS who wanted out I understand you and your wife point of view.

  Speaking of my own experience, I felt my husband had let me and the children down ......badly. I was scared for the children and so, even though I had my doubts I felt a responsibility towards them. I considered leaving him when he went through a patch of not going on the FS and not attending many meetings.................I was ashamed of him, embarrassed and hated him for what he was doing to our family. All our friends and family were in the truth.

  I knew I had to do something, the opportunity came up for us to move, we took it..............the pressure was now off, from him and me.

  After 6 months in our new congregation which we both attended, we started seeing the same traits here that we saw in our old cong. Then I found this place, because we hadnt made any friends yet, it made it easier for me to come to terms with the truth about the org. My husband son and I left and havent been to a meeting for over 2 years now.

  If you cant do the drastic thing and MOVE away...........................which many here have done successfully, then you need a plan.

  Many here will give you good advice, many have kept there family together, sadly many divorced.....................

  My biggest advice to you, is if you love her, you must fight for her.......................that means getting the 3rd party ( WT) out of your marriage.

  Tell and show her you love her, never put her on the defensive......................start being a man shed rather have, than a man the society tells her she should have.............big difference.

  Goodluck
• 

  Scully

  I think your wife needs to start exploring other personal interests outside the JWs. For one thing, it gives her something to focus her energy on besides The Truth™. And as a side benefit, it will gradually get her developing friendships with people who share similar interests to hers. It might mean taking art classes, dance classes, exercise classes, writing classes, sewing classes - whatever piques her interest and allows her to develop her natural talents.

  Along the same lines, you need to have some dedicated "couple time" that both of you can enjoy. Going to movies, museums, cooking classes, sight seeing, ballroom dancing lessons, etc. that helps you find each other again and helps you remember the good qualities in each other that brought you together in the first place. You'll also meet other couples who share the same interests as you and develop friendships with them. It isn't going to be like the "instant friendships" you have when you start out at a new Kingdom Hall - real friendships take time to develop and they need to be cultivated.

  I found that the "feeling" of friendship at the KH was a huge draw to go back - even though on an intellectual level I knew that these were not genuine friendships. I'd been burned by JWs too many times - and was fed up by the complete selfishness of JW friends (I was the one who always phoned to see how they were, not the other way around; I was the one who invited people over for dinner or on outings, but we never got invited to go anywhere - it was like we were invisible much of the time).
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I am in a situation where my wife knows I have "doubts" that she doesn't share. It is not putting a strain on our relationship, yet, but it will. I don't know exactly how it will be a problem, but it will.

  I will not ask her to make excuses for me missing meetings. If she can't handle the pressure, I won't talk about something. Other than that, I will work on keeping the marriage strong by being the head outside of JW interests. That means spending time with her, taking her places, normal home stuff like talking about her day, etc. It sounds more troubling in your home than that, but what else can you do? If she sees the problems with JW's and loves it anyway, there are going to be problems. Let the problems be hers. Tell her, "Aren't I supportive of whatever you want to do?" "Aren't I a good husband- caring, loving, tender?"
• 

  truthseeker

  That's good avice Fefo.

  It's so difficult. I cringe when I go to the hall and hear about the "spiritual paradise."

  My wife has always had contact with the witness through her school friends, but she didn't really start studying till she was in her early 20s.

  My faith in God has been shaken severely, but I'm prepared to start again from scratch with the fundamentals. No one who is raised in the truth is ever given a chance to develop their own faith in God, they are told to read this, study that, pray harder.

  Vitty, my wife tells me the same thing:

  I considered leaving him when he went through a patch of not going on the FS and not attending many meetings.................I was ashamed of him, embarrassed and hated him for what he was doing to our family. All our friends and family were in the truth.

  My wife knows much of what is taught is false, but there's still a part of her which says this is Jehovah's organization, he'lll fix things in time.
• 

  hubert

  How about trying to get her to go to another church? One from another religion? Maybe a social event, like a dinner put on by another denomination, and not the j.w.'s? ie: spaghetti supper, ham and bean breakfast? bazaars? Find a church in another town that no one knows you in, so no j.w.'s know you are doing this.

  She may meet some people there that she is comfortable with, and maybe start making new friends there. (You already said she doesn't believe most of the crap the j.w.'s teach already, so that is half the battle. She may be interested in joining another group, and making new friends).

  So, the only thing holding her in the j.w.'s is the friendship she will lose if she leaves. Solution....find her new friends in another group, and maybe she won't mind leaving the old friends later on.

  Hope this helps.

  Hubert