truthseeker, I am in roughly the same position as you, albeit with more kids. My wife knows that I have lost all belief in the Society and the Witnesses. I do not go out in field service and I do not comment at meetings. We have had many discussions about the faith; some approaching the level of arguments, and some just fairly intense religious debates. I also agree that I don't want my kids to be poisoned with this filth for any longer than necessary. Already I encourage them towards independent and critical thinking--this is also the way their personality leads them, so it makes it easier.
I've struggled for a long time, trying to decide what to do. I still don't have the answer and I don't know if what I'm doing is going to work. My current approach is this:
- I attend all the meetings that my wife wants to, to support her with the children. It's tough taking three kids, one of whom is an infant, to the meeting all by yourself. She knows that I think it's all nonsense, though. Interestingly this actually increases her respect and esteem for me--she knows I hate going, but I go for her and the kids.
- I work really really hard to be the husband she has always wanted. I do a lot of chores around the house, even though I also work full time and she doesn't work at all. She's having a difficult time keeping up (we have a baby with special needs that consumes more of her time than normal.) I spend a lot of time with her--watching TV, playing games, etc. I do everything (and more) expected of me as a father--read to the kids every night, put them to bed, change diapers, get up at night, the whole nine yards. I give her a 45 minute shoulder/back massage every night (and I'm really damned good at it.) I constantly tell her that she looks great, that she's never been more beautiful, that she's a good mom, that I love her. I am hoping that this will convince her that someone can be a really good person without believing in the Watchtower.
- Every single chance I get, I bring up, in a non-confrontational manner, inconsistencies from the Watchtower. Things I read on this board. These are always in response to something she's said--I never initiate these conversations. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk about how the Society used to deny germ theory in the Golden Age and their quack medical theories. A few days ago, I likened denying blood transfusions to the hardcore Catholic practice of not using birth control and having many many children. Last month, we talked about how even though people are already doing so much, the Society is always asking for more more more--and she agreed. This way I can slowly help her to realize that they're not all that--but without having her feel like her faith is being assaulted. I only bring up things I know I can back up with proof, and I try to capitalize on things she cares deeply about--family, children, health.
This is kind of the anti-Witness analogue to 1Pet 3:1,2 (NWT):
1 In like manner, YOU wives, be in subjection to YOUR own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of [their] wives, 2 because of having been eyewitnesses of YOUR chaste conduct together with deep respect.
I don't know if it will work, but I can say that she almost never pesters me about my beliefs anymore, and that we are closer in our marriage than we've ever been. This is the slow way and it requires tons of hard work and a great deal of patience on my part (especially in putting up with all the crap I have to sit through at the goddamn meetings.)
The above ended up being much longer than I was expecting. I hope that it is of value to you.