in love with a very confused jw

by limitless 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • limitless

    berean2 and earthtone-

    thanks for the thoughts...

    the problem is that i do know he thinks that he is making a choice between god and i...and he chose god.

    he was impossible to speak with regarding religion. he always felt 'attacked' by me, but it was he who was attacking. he has a big problem with the fact that i don't need to know what created me. my thoughts are that i will never know until it is smacked up against my face (and that may never happen). i am just concerned with being the best human that i can be...and not because i am afraid of eternal damnation or because i'm trying to kiss butt to some god. it's because, at the end of the day, it feels like the right thing to do.

    this is not good enough for him.

    yes, it has been over 3 weeks since we have spoken. it seems to me, it you really loved someone, you would be worried about how they are doing, no?

    i am in love with this man, and i am pissed. as if jehovah, if he exists, is worried about my man loving, and being loved.

    earthtone- what changed for you? why did you stop giving up good people for your religion? what clicked?

  • limitless

    by the way...

    i would give up paradise on earth to live with him in this one...

  • earthtone

    Aaah limitless,

    He's been trained to fear everything that is not acceptable to the organization. Fear's are the hardest thing to face. I know you are hurting, but you are up against something that is pyschological. He may love you with all his heart, but until he can give up his fear of displeasing GOD ( we are talking about God!) you will be in for a very long journey.

    I'm not the greatest at giving advice. I hope that everyone combine word's give you either strength or hope. I'll keep you in my prayers. PM me if you need to talk more.

    For me I learned that my doubts about the truth were real. That there is no way that an organization that is directed by God keep's seeing the light on several subject's over and over again. I mean if God was doing the directing, he should be powerful enough to get it right the first time or at the very least the second time (maybe they didn't hear him right), but damn three and four times! Who am I kidding or rather who are they kidding.

  • Sassy

    wow. You are in a tough situation.

    My guess is he never told you about his plan to eventually return until he knew something was really happening serious between the two of you. He probably dreaded what it meant for your situation.

    My guess is he also figures if he got 'say married' to you and you were willing to convert, then is the time that he could more easily live the JW lifestyle.

    to be honest, I did some things I should have been disfellowshipped for back in 2000 and when they didn't disfellowship me, I married a man because I thought then it would keep me from doing things which were disfellowshipable.

    I hope he reads CofC. But unless someone is ready to ready to open their eyes, they won't. I have an ex sister in law who has not had anything to do with the witnesses in 20 yrs but she still believes. When I left, I tried to help her see she need not feel guilt over not attending meetings or doing things disfellowshipable, because they were not the 'truth'. But she refused to believe me. Here I thought since she wasn't practicing any way, it would be a relief to her, but just being non practicing or even disfellowshipped, does not necessarily mean they no longer believe or still do not desire to eventually go back.

  • OnTheWayOut
    have done a lot of research on the jws in the last month, even read the book crisis of conscience. do you think if i send him that book he'll read it?


    If you can get him to read Crisis of Concience, I doubt he'd do very much about going back to the jw religion. For a jw, that book is a real eye - opener. That's why jws are under strict orders not to read it. When I read it, I had just left the jws, and it confirmed for me that I'd done the best thing in leaving. A friend of mine read it recently and, after a lifetime as a jw, she recently disassociated. You can read her thoughts on this link:

    Believe ne, if you could get him to read that book, you would be doing him a huge favour.

    I second this comment. It's not fair that he waits until your emotions are fully into this guy. Make him decide before moving forward. Push him with information. It's for his own good, and he really is pushing you. Sounds like you want to work it out. Make him promise to read the book when you give it to him. A DF'd person should have no problems reading this. Just give it to him, make him promise to read it, don't tell him about it beforehand.

  • daystar


    You haven't posted in a couple of days, so I don't know if you are still checking this place out. But, I see you've gotten some good advice and perspectives on it, from people who've been in similar situation, or who can at least give a good perspective from their experience with the religion.

    I highly suspect that what happened was that he fell in love with you and all the old programs began to run. He started thinking about building a family with you and the responsibility he feels he has to guide his family in the right way, spiritually. This was all programmed in early on for Witnesses raised in the religion.

    He feels the pull back to the religion because of his love for you and likely hopes to pull you in with him. It sounds to me that what he felt was real. It sounds like what you feel/felt is real as well. Help him if you can. But if he's already started going back to meetings, etc., you may not have a chance right now.

    True love doesn't happen very often. I say try to get back in contact with him. Try to test the waters to see where he is regarding that topic. But be very gentle. He may not be so gentle. Judge the situation. If he's receptive, let him know you've studied some things. If you're willing, ask him to look into some things with you. You don't have to pull out CoC right off. But bring up some of the subjects and ask him to look into them with you perhaps. The idea is that maybe you can help him see the highly manipulative, controlling sect for what it really is.

    BTW, I'm about the same age as he, left 15 years ago, can't imagine ever going back.

    I'd write more, but I'm just leaving the office.

    Good luck to you both. I hope for the best.

  • limitless


    thanks so much for the good wishes and the good advice. i thought everyone forgot about me...nobody wrote yesterday...

    you know, we hadn't spoken for over three and a half weeks. i text-messaged him yesterday and received a reply today...very matter of fact.

    i was so hurt when he made his big statement (not being able to reconcile jehovah and i in his future). i think my being so angry and hurt (more hurt than angry), and less than understanding, pushed him into a place where he shut down.

    i don't even know if he's willing to talk to me. i think he's scared. he knows that he caused this situation and my feelings. not only can he not deal with my feelings, but if he speaks to me than he has to deal with his own in relation to mine...know what i mean? so, i think it's easier for him to try to pretend i don't exist. whether or not he's doing a great job of that, who knows. we can only know what people tell us. and he's not telling me anything.

    regardless, i am going to send him a copy of COC, and cross my fingers that he'll read it.

    a couple of things that he said when we were ending that just sound crazy to me...

    " i love everything about you. there is nothing i would change, except for this" - but he always said that he wouldn't want me to change my beliefs for him so i don't think he was trying to convert me.

    "it's just that i was so happy and everything felt so good, that i just wasn't thinking" - can you imagine? as if being happy and feeling good is an issue.

    "you could never be a witness...this is a submissive organization, you have a problem with authority, you're too independent, and you like to ask a lot of questions" - i can't fathom saying this and thinking it's a healthy statement.

    people- my heart is broken, i am really sad, but i would like to let you all know that i feel so much better getting all of your advice. you are doing good things here. helping people.


  • Sassy

    give it time.. he needs to think..

    and so do you

    I hope he reads the CofC

  • Cherish

    To a lesser extent Ive been through a similar thing. He told me last week that he couldnt see me that oftern because it would have to go to the next level or stop AND he didnt want to get in trouble. That last statement really hurt the most as he sounds more afraid of getting in trouble with the "organization" than he is with his God.

  • jgnat
    "you could never be a witness...this is a submissive organization, you have a problem with authority, you're too independent, and you like to ask a lot of questions" - i can't fathom saying this and thinking it's a healthy statement.

    This could be his natural personality sending a message, "Help! I want out, too!" Steve Hassan helped me to understand there are two personalities working in JW's. There's the natural personality they were born with, and the put-on cult personality. I can spot the cult personality right away, they all sound alike. Above is an example of the JW doublehtink. He had a problem with the authority, too. That's why he walked away. Unfortunately, he didn't take the next step to full independence.

    I suspect what attracted him to you in the first place is your lovely independence. You might ask him about that, if that quality he so admires in you he might want to emulate?

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