in love with a very confused jw

by limitless 50 Replies latest social relationships

jgnat

Hi, I'm the non-JW half of a mixed marriage. I can relate perfectly to your dilemma.
I think your boyfriend is of two minds, and he hasn't reconciled them. Ironically, it's envisioning a future with you that is probably triggering the repressed belief system he was born with. In his defence, he probably did not consciously set out to deceive. It's just that, well, JW's are coached to keep the weirdness well hidden from the world. My favorite comments you've received so far:
JWDaughter: but for his own piece [sic] of mind, he needs to determine if being a JW is really what he wants. Then he needs to do it. Or not. And go on with is life. If he wants to be a 'good JW' he ought to marry a REALLY good one that will keep him in line. However, now is a good time for him to examine the religion objectively-since he is out anyway, he has a right to fully investigate before considering going back in.
Narkissos: Your friend has probably reached a painful crisis through which he will have to choose, as you wrote,"between who he is, which is beautiful, and who he thinks he 'should' be".
You are wise to get your boyfriend to face his demons before you get any more involved. If you can do this WITHOUT him starting up a study again, you are 3/4 the way there. I suggest Crisis of Conscience for him, and Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan for you. www.freedomofmind.com Or, if you can afford it, have an exit counsellor familiar with the JW doctrine to spend a few hours talking to your boyfriend. You might be doing him a huge favour.
limitless

guys, keep throwing the advice at me :) i need it. jgnat- i agree with you. i don't think that any of this was malicious. but, it doesn't make it hurt any less. the man is of two minds and i truly wonder if he even wants to go back. i think that being involved with me was just too much truth for him. he would often look at me and say...it amazes me that you are who you are without religion in your life. i know that he has been taught that all of us 'wordly people' are supposed to me of immoral standing. i think it was hard for him to be with someone that was 'worldly' but not immoral. and he thinks i'm this wonderful person. it has to be difficult to be in love with someone and think they are amazing and yet, they aren't even a jehovah witness. and then he would need to ask himself how in the world could he fall in love with a non-witness. it's all pretty hypocritical. anyway...i wrote him a poem, read it on his machine, and now haven't spoken to him in three weeks...i'm sure he's not thrilled...would like your opinion... the biggest sale i dated him years ago back in harlem it was short and it was sweet wouldn't have remembered him if asked about my past eleven years later he shows up selling himself job with oppenheimer, poetry writer smooth black skin, a smile that reels you in says all the right things, more than right things that have you grinning, squealing in delight talks about your future you're believing it all i mean, why would a man find you after 11 years and counting love you, get you to love him, for nothing at all so he flatters you on all levels from your hair to your home has you thinking you're important that he loves you to the bone says he's lucky to have you has never felt that before but it seems we now have a problem it's jehovah or the door i don't care if you're good i don't care if you're honest empathy, humor, intelligence what's that? i need bible readers bulls@#$ talkers people who speak, but don't follow through goodness- no, no, i don't need you i know i said i was happy and talked a big game i was bored, you were single but we, we are not the same so i, i was swindled and misled lied to and groped bought what he was selling floated on hope and landed in his field of emptiness he got the sale and i got nothing.
limitless

sorry about the hard read...
limitless

the biggest sale
i dated him years ago back in harlem, it was short and it was sweet
wouldn't have remembered him if asked about my past
eleven years later he shows up selling himself
job with oppenheimer, poetry writer
smooth black skin, a smile that reels you in
says all the right things, more than right
things that have you grinning, squealing in delight
talks about your future, you're believing it all
i mean, why would a man find you after eleven years and counting, love you, get you to love him for nothing at all
so he flatters you on all levels from your hair to your home
has you thinking your important, that he loves you to the bone
says he's lucky to have you, has never felt that before
but it seems we now have a problem, it's jehovah or the door
i don't care if you're good. i don't care if you're honest.
empathy, humor, intelligence, what's that?
i need bible readers, bulls@#$ talkers, people who speak, but don't follow through
goodness-no, no i don't need you
i know i said i was happy and talked a big game
i was bored, you were single, but we-we are not the same
so i, i was swindled and misled
lied to and groped
bought what he was selling
floated on hope
and landed in his field of emptiness
he got the sale
and i got nothing.
jgnat

A famous guy once said, no, anger is not the opposite of love, apathy is. If he's mad he cares. You're mad, you care.
It's better than not caring at all.
Sunspot

but then he would say, but i also daydreamed about serving jehovah with my wife.
You could ask him if he meant serving Jehovah together as man and wife....or serving the Watchtower Society together?
Anyone can "serve Jehovah" or God, or Jesus Chrsit, or Buddha...etc.....and NOT be tied to an organization that demands how you MUST spend your time and who you can and cannot associate with....or that tells you how to LIVE in general.
The WTS rules, regulations, policies and declarations are a snootful to digest and don't give a thought to personal choices in any areas. I was a JW for 30 years....came into it as an adult (not born into it) and the changes the WTS has made in the cannots and the do-nots is astounding......right down to what goes on between you and your husband in your bedroom.... or the amount of guests you can have at a gathering at your home! They want control over EVERYTHING that a JW does!
Make up your mind to question him to find out how HE feels about this demanding and tyrannical cult.....and go from there.
Keep us posted on what happens!
hugs,
Annie
jwfacts

You are in a very difficult situation. I think you need to be strong with him and make it very clear you will never have anything to do with the Watchtower Society. If you remain involved with him and he continues his belief it the Watchtower religion you will pay long term by having a broken man that at any time could leave you in favour of the organization. That said, for him to move on from believing in the Watchtower Society will take a long time and your support can help him greatly. Try to get him to reason on his religion. Reading here and other resources will help you quickly understand that the Watchtower Society is a high control group that mis represents the bible. Because he has been out for some time it may be possible to get him to open his mind and understand the manipulation he has gone through. There is information to help you that is simply structured at http://jwfacts.com/ and particularly the information at http://jwfacts.com/index_files/5min.htm should help him reason on things. If he puts his back up and refuses to consider the information presented then you are taking a huge risk pursuing the relationship with him.
JWdaughter

You have a couple of issues here, but I guess you need to decide if you want to go through it all with him-not knowing how it will end. And you need to decide if you can overcome the deception. You may want to help him out of the religion (or not), but in the end, you need to be able to trust him with your heart and soul(if you were to be in a marriage or long term relationship). I don't know if you want to go through all the hard work religion wise if his character is just plain lacking. If this is out of character-as someone said above-JWs don't know HOW to be honest in some things-then he may be able to re-learn a bad learned behavior.
I hope he is worth all the angst to you.
Shelly of the 'mortified by my spelling' class
Berean2

From what you have said and what confused has said, it appears that there is a strong connection between you two.
You would like to be with the guy who showed himself intitially, now his confusion has changed the game somewhat.
Three weeks has passed with the silent treatment and you are seeking forum thoughts and help if possible in the interim.
Ok, bear with me please while I summarise.
The next move for him or you will determine to a large degree how the future panns out.
My thoughts are that it takes time. Yes for many years he has been out and feeling estranged. His relationship with you has rekindled feelings of love and family life. He may remember what it was like in his early times with the JW's who show initial interest in you. He may be under the mistaken idea that this is what life is like with them currently. Since he has not been privy to their goings on and the hyprocrisy and backbiting etc. he feels he may be missing out on something wholesome. Wholesome as in his relationship with you. You represent something of great value to him. Do not give up on him too soon. Give him some time to work out his confusion. I do not beleive this is an overnight decision for someone like him. If he loves you and sees in you the qualities he most respects, then he will come around to his senses.
The burning question here is: will you be willing to wait and play the fish of your dreams?
From another perspective, he needs to understand that Jehovah is creator of all humanity and that just because JW's use God's name does not in any way indicate that they have the truth. If they did and Jesus was indeed leading the elders, then explain why there is so much disarray amongst elders, and congregations falling apart, surely Jesus is not powerless to asssist his own congregations? It is a poor reflection on Jesus, if JW's have the truth!
I am firmly of the belief that no-one can state categorically that they have the truth. The evidence quoted by JW's as proof of God's blessing is no different to any other individuals or church groups evidence. Show one reason why they have exclusive rights to GOD? and please do not say they have love for one another, they spend more time preaching to unwilling strangers than showing real love for their brothers.
Ask me I know, 35 years in the "truth" and many years an elder.
I too can write volumes on the maltreatment of humans by JW's
But that would only be to sink to a level that I hate.
Show patience and wisdom and be sure of what you want, however, the future is never crystal clear nor filled with perfect outcomes. You could choose to go off with someone else, only to find in time that it was a big mistake. It takes a hell of a lot of sacrifice and hard work to make a relationship work over an enduring time. (already you are being put to the test)
Anyone can make a year or two in a relationship, but many, many years is for the real heroes.
Love to ya
Berean2
earthtone

I agree with alot ( if not all) of what Berean said.
Being with you makes him think of family and happiness. He is trained to think that only true happiness comes with associating with JW's. I know this is so hard to comprehend but he feels like he is chosing you over God at this point. I was where he was at. I told my husband (boyfriend at the time) that I wanted to raise my kid's the JW way because I thought this was the right and true way. And I would have chosen the organization over him at any given time after being married, even though I have been inactive for almost 7years!
It is even worst for someone, who from the day they are born is told that happiness comes only through Jehovah's organization. He may not even realize that it is an organization running his life not Jehovah. Please do not give up on him if you love him. Try to get him to read the book Crisis of Conscience. I have ruined several great relationships due to my belief's and I was honestly trying to serve God.
P.S. That was a great poem! Although in hindsight I could see how it could piss him off. You really told him off. lol

in love with a very confused jw

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