in love with a very confused jw

by limitless 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • limitless

    hi guys,

    this is a fairly long story, so bear with me...

    twelve years ago i dated a jw man briefly in new york. we got along really well, but he stopped calling. at the time it wasn't a big deal because i was dating other men and was about to move back to minnesota. anyway, if you had asked me about my past i would not have remembered him.

    eleven years later, he hunts me down on a yahoo people search. apparently he had thought about me off and on for the last eleven years and had decided to find me.

    for a year we talked on the phone (i had a boyfriend and he was with someone also). we got along like best friends and talked for hours every other day. anyway, he had been broken up for some time with his girl and i was just going through a break-up. so he suggested that i go to dc to see him. i did.

    so for the next four months every two weeks he would come here or i would go there. we spoke constantly throughout the day and i was really very happy.

    it was like a little fairy tale. i never believed in this word, soul mate, but thought i had found mine. we are basically the same people, except for...

    the last couple of months he started bringing up 'jehovah'. now the year that we were talking we never even had a conversation about jehovah. i assumed that he was no longer involved with the jws and didn't know much about them to ask anyway. i mean, if something is important to you, you bring it up, right? whether it is a friend, girlfriend, whatever...

    he would talk about wanting a future together, things like...i daydream about us growing old together. but then he would say, but i also daydreamed about serving jehovah with my wife. i started to see that this was an issue for him that he seemed to be struggling with. i told him that he needed to figure out what he wanted. i mean everything that he loves about me (my independence, critical thinking, etc.) can't exist in this 'future' he is designing for himself.

    i feel betrayed because the man finds me after 11 years, in the year we spoke he never mentioned his religion, he falls in love with me, begs me to love him and when i do he basically says that he can't reconcile these two things in his future -me and jehovah.

    i am a believer of all things. i believe that we should be judged on the quality of our souls and our intentions, not what religious product we choose. he would say that he wants to spend his life serving jehovah and i would say that i want to spend my life serving the universe...doing good things for people, being a good person. at the end of the day we want the same things, but we call them by different names.

    a little background...he is 33 and was born into this religion. his mother is a jw, his sister a missionary. he was disfellowshipped 6 years ago and is certainly not living the life of a jw. at this point, i am a better jw than he is. he is extremely stuck between who he is, which is beautiful, and who he thinks he 'should' be.

    when he told me that he couldn't 'reconcile' these two things in his future, he wasn't breaking up with me. he was trying to be honest with me. i am the one who said...than what the hell are we doing together?

    i know that he loves me and thinks i am fantastic...why can't he find a way for both, why did this man find me after all this time...i wasn't a jw then why would i be one now?

    i haven't talked to him for three weeks now. i wrote a poem for him and he was pissed. what makes me so angry is that HE'S ANGRY. he thinks that i am not being empathetic to his feelings, that he is really hurt, and that he doesn't really have a choice. what about me? he found me, drove this entire relationship, and destroyed it.

    thanks for listening.


  • fullofdoubtnow

    Hi limitless, and welcome to the forum.

    This man has put himself, and you, in a difficult position. He has obviously been indoctrinated from birth with all the jw beliefs, which include admonition to not marry outside the religion, and even though he's disfellowshipped, that indoctrination is very difficult to shake off if you have known little else. Is he taking steps to be reinstated into the jws? If he is, then I am sorry to say this, but I can only see more misery and conflict ahead for you both if you pursue this relationship.

    A committed jw will always put the organisation ahead of all other things, including his wife or children. They can't help it, it's a requirement of the religion. I would definitely ask him if he is trying to get back into the religion, and if so, at least do some research about what you may be letting yourself in for if you stay with him. There are plenty of internet resources for that sort of research, both on this site and sites like freeminds.

    Whatever you do, I wish you well.


  • JWdaughter

    You are right. He is confused. He is not, by JW definition, a JW. He is disfellowshipped. Which to a practicing JW is pretty much like taking up residence with Satan. If his family is doing what they are TOLD to do, they are shunning him. He is lonely for family.

    You really will never be able to have a good relationship with this confused man until he comes out of it entirely-heart and soul. Looks like his heart is still in it. I don't know why he was disfellowshipped, but for his own piece of mind, he needs to determine if being a JW is really what he wants. Then he needs to do it. Or not. And go on with is life. If he wants to be a 'good JW' he ought to marry a REALLY good one that will keep him in line. However, now is a good time for him to examine the religion objectively-since he is out anyway, he has a right to fully investigate before considering going back in. Before even SPEAKING to an elder or family member about it. Because they will influence him in ways that DO NOT involve critical thinking. Read up on the organization, and how they come up with their eschatology etc. If he can remove the sentiment/rosy spectacles from his eyes, he may likely come out of the mess whole and true.

    The problem in the meantime is that he was really dishonest with you for the last year. What I would do(and you might well think is a stupid idea) is to tell him to let you know when he has it together and all figured out. Be glad he didn't marry you and THEN come up with his true religous leanings. After a years relationship and thinking you are serious, I am kind of surprised that spirituality or religion did not come up at some point. There are people here who are married to JWs and I don't know how much religion was a factor when they married, but being honest about it seems like a big issue here. I hope you can resolve all this in a way that leaves you heart whole and feeling positive about how you dealt with it.

  • limitless

    hey linda-

    thanks for the info...he is in no way trying to get reinstated at this particular time, but says he has plans to in the 'near' future.

    isn't 6 years a long time to be away from something that you truly believe in? he says he's a 100% sure he wants to be a witness again. but i say, if you're 100% sure about something, you do it. if i'm a 100% sure i want to be a doctor, i enroll my butt in medical school. if he is so sure this is what he wants, then why isn't he doing it?

    if he dies tomorrow, he's screwed, as far as his religion is concerned.

    he is so obviously confused. if he knew who he was we would either have never dated in the first place or would be going strong right now.

    why all of the effort to find me, fall in love with me, get me to love him...blah, blah, blah.....?

  • Narkissos

    Welcome limitless,

    Your post was both very moving and very well-thought. You understand the issue perfectly.

    Your friend has probably reached a painful crisis through which he will have to choose, as you wrote,"between who he is, which is beautiful, and who he thinks he 'should' be". Who he really is he saw in your eyes. But only he can choose. I'm afraid you can't help him, except by being honest to him and yourself. Which means, at the very least, sticking to your freedom and not giving up any of it to the "beliefs" which are, at least in part, the cause of his confusion.

    There are many people here who went through similar experiences. I'm sure you'll get plenty of advice and support.

    Good luck.

  • limitless

    jw daughter-

    during the year that we were talking, i know that i made my beliefs clear. it is hard for anyone who knows me to not know what i think. he, on the other hand, just kept quiet. i assumed that he had beliefs similar to mine because he never questioned me...

    it wasn't until after we started dating, that suddenly his beliefs came into play. and even then, i had to push for conversations about religion.

    this man had me completely fooled. he had me thinking that he loved me so much, that i was so important... i really thought that whatever the struggle was, he would work it out.

    also...when he could have made it clear what his beliefs were, he never did. when my mom asked him what he was doing for christmas, he never said he didn't celebrate christmas. when he talked about not going to college, he never mentioned that it was mainly to do with his beliefs. it's like he kept it all hidden...

    i have done a lot of research on the jws in the last month, even read the book crisis of conscience. do you think if i send him that book he'll read it?

    thanks for the help.

  • limitless


    thanks for the support.

    what is so incredibly frustrating about this whole experience is two things...1- he completely misrepresented himself. i am who i am the day you meet me, 5 years later, 10 years later, etc. my core doesn't suddenly change. but it seems that so many people are so very good at acting.

    and 2- at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how good you are. it doesn't matter how much somebody loves you. what matters is what sub-category you fall into...what you call your god, what color you are...this sickens me. what happened to the base, people? why is everyone drowning in the details?

  • fullofdoubtnow
    have done a lot of research on the jws in the last month, even read the book crisis of conscience. do you think if i send him that book he'll read it?


    If you can get him to read Crisis of Concience, I doubt he'd do very much about going back to the jw religion. For a jw, that book is a real eye - opener. That's why jws are under strict orders not to read it. When I read it, I had just left the jws, and it confirmed for me that I'd done the best thing in leaving. A friend of mine read it recently and, after a lifetime as a jw, she recently disassociated. You can read her thoughts on this link:

    Believe ne, if you could get him to read that book, you would be doing him a huge favour.


  • bikerchic

    Hello and welcome to JWD limitless!

    if you had asked me about my past i would not have remembered him.

    Simpler times eh? If I were you I would drop him like yesterdays news and move on. Believe me you don't need the grief of the JW's in your life and he obviously hasn't given up his religion, not even for the love of a good woman.

    It hurts like hell in the beginning but you'll get over it and be far better off for it.

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    Hi limitless. Welcome to the forum.

    I was born into a JW family and have spent most of my life as a non-practicing believer, so I know the effects of the mental illness that results from this.

    I advise you not to entertain the idea of forming a permanent relationship with him until he understands that the WT is not what it claims to be.

    Do not tell him that. If you do, you will be using the same kind of mental abuse that JWs use on their loved ones.

    If you want some idea of what has happened to him, read Steve Hassan's "Combatting Cult Mind Control". Encourage him to read it too. It does not mention JWs so it shouldn't set off his Apostate alarm bells.

    If you really want him, you will have to gently lead him out of the cult without raising any alarm bells. If he thinks you are communicating with apostates he may drop you like a hot potato. You will have to learn more about the WT than he knows himself. It will be a lot of trouble, but it may be worth it.

    I wish you luck.



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