Need marital advice

by lost_light06 70 Replies latest jw friends

  • anewme

    Jaguar, I see your point. There comes a time when a persons solemn word should mean something.

    I never planned nor wanted to leave my marriage. Men came out of the woodwork at work to work on me.

    I was naive like Mr. Lost's wife might be.

    Anyway, ex is fine without me, like you say. He is still in the borg going to meetings and going in field service. He is right. I am wrong.

    The worldly men who preyed on me and hurt our marriage are gone. They were just jerks out for kicks.
    They cared nothing for sacred things.

    We all just let it go------20 years of life and love and effort!

    Couldnt something have been done?

    It is so sad that my ex and I email and share and wish we had been smarter and more aggressive to save what we had. Im sure there is a large percentage of divorced people who wish they had received counseling to save their marriage.

  • stevenyc

    I've been through a very similar situation to you. My advice is to confront her. Let her know how you became suspicious and what you found. If you want to stay with her then ask her what she intends to do. Do not pussyfoot around, or take a week stance. She may be as confused as you as to how she could do this (if your assumption is true), and MAY drag it out until she decides if she thinks you will let her.

    If it is true, find out if she wants to resolve the marriage or divorce. It is not worth the time, money, or effort to go to counseling if she wants out. Also, hiring detectives, and dragging out law cases only puts your money in other peoples pockets.


    Do you have kids together?


  • earthtone

    If it is true, find out if she wants to resolve the marriage or divorce. It is not worth the time, money, or effort to go to counseling if she wants out

    This is so true. When I was done with my first marriage, I was done. There was nothing he could say that would have made me stay. And I still don't regret it. So let her know, that the gig is up and if she want's to work it out, that's great but don't keep hanging around like a lost little boy if she doesn't. You'll only hurt yourself more.

  • jgnat

    Lots of good advice here. I wouldn't follow Wing Commander's to find out more behind her back though. Give her one shot to explain what is going on and make things right. If she says "I'm so confused..." or "I just don't know right now...", she's fooling herself or you or both and deep-sixing the marriage. Either end it or get the two of you in to counselling.

    I also am a big advocate of making the responsible party responsible. In this case you don't want the "other man" OUT, you want your wife IN. She's party to all this, and if you manage to chase one off, who is to say she won't find another? The part of Anewme's advice that I like is it doesn't hurt to let your wife know that you are going to FIGHT for her and your marriage. It feels great to be wanted. Some of my favorite bits:

    Kid-A: If someone feels neglected, the ethical action to take is to discuss the matter with one's mate, not sneak around and have affairs. If and ONLY if the underlying situation with ones spouse cannot be resolved, should one consider finding another partner. And even then, only after formal separation and/or divorce.
    C_Y_P: One thing my father the divorce attorney told me is most divorces are one person wanting to leave and the other person who doesn't. The person who doesn't gets majorly screwed because they are still holding out for some hope of reconciliation, while the other person has already left and only looking out shrewdly for their own best interests.

    Truer words never spoken. Lawyers make all their money in the early stages when the partners are working out that it's finally OVER. Don't head to divorce court until you have both come to an agreement it's over and have recovered from the bitterness and acrimony. At least, that's the ideal way to go about it.

  • kerj2leev


    I feel for you on this one. I too went through the samething this past year, after 13 years of marriage and 1 son my wife decided to leave. I also started doubting the org. and told her. I really think in some sick way she justified what she did because of that. I wish I could give you some magical formula to make things right, but it doesn't work that way.

    You do need to confront her with it, she will probably laugh and try to play it off. Don't let her make you feel guilty for asking, this is inapproriate conduct on her part at the very least. If she wants to work things out then you need to get professional help, you must insist on it. Really get some counseling now just to help you. If she "is done" then there really is no point focusing on your relationship, put all your love into your children, they are going to need you. I hope you can work things out, I know how hard it is, on me and my son(lives with me).



  • carla

    Sorry I skipped page two, I don't think legally you can toss her stuff on the lawn or at all. Nor can you legally keep from entering your home and staying there. Check with a lawyer first so it doesn't look like you are the aggressor.

  • jojochan
    I knew she had a myspace account but never checked it out and didn’t know her password. I got curious so I had her password emailed to our home account.

    It never surprises me, most dub chicks DO have a myspace account.

    Dude, I'm sorry about what happended, but If she's doing this NOW...

    I hate cheaters in a marriage. Just leave DON'T CHEAT.


  • Twitch

    Sorry to hear that news. Cuts like a knife.

    For what it's worth, I've been in that situation, albeit not married or with kids. Still hurts to find out information that points to something "on the side". I won't go into detail but in my case, my girlfriend at the time was continuing to court the attentions of a "former" lover. Much like you, I followed my instincts and discovered a trail of email which left no room for doubt. Love letters, hot pics, "when are you in town next?", etc.

    I confronted her the next day on it. I held court and represented myself rather well as i recall. The questions i asked were indirect as to allow for an explanation of any such mysterious "exchanges" of email (perhaps admission or confession would be better choices actually) and I gradually inferred that I knew. She denied that any such email exchanges happened even when I asked her point blank. I knew at that point that I couldn't trust her anymore. And the thing is at the time, I felt that if she would've told me the truth about it intead of lying and still trying to cover it up, I could've forgiven whatever it was. Maybe not,

    Don't know what else to say really. Enough good advice has been offered already. Just sharing the pain, bro ;-)

  • AuntieJane

    You care about your wife and your kids. But you no longer want to be a JW. The fact is, IF you divorce,

    your wife will probably get the kids and raise them as JW. I don't think you want that.

    Print out anything you can find as far as emails, check her closely for just a short time, you need to move fast.

    Shower her with attention, all wives crave more of that. Little things. Do not feel guilty for checking

    up on her, this is your marriage you are protecting.

    If you truly love her at this point, when you have all your facts together, that is the time to tell her

    you have a "feeling" that she is hiding something. DO not tell her what you have been doing yet.

    Tell her if things are bothering her, you both need to discuss them. Tell her the truth, that you love her

    and your kids and want your family more than anything; but that you are having "some" problems

    about the Truth and that you need a break for "awhile".

    Hopefully she will eat up your attention; if she does not, then you continue gathering ammunition because

    you will need it in order to try and keep your kids.

    Bless you and stay strong,


  • cognizant dissident
    cognizant dissident

    Well, as a woman who has been in this very situation, I would say if you want to save your marriage then take anewme's and earthtone's advice. Confront her gently if you must, but use the information you uncover to find out what is missing in your marriage and fix it if at all possible. If you just want to "catch her and nail her" then expect her to be defensive and expect to be divorced soon. As Dr. Phil would say, "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?"

    If she has only sent a couple of e-mails to this guy, then perhaps it is only in the flirting stage and there is still a chance to nip it in the bud early. View this as a wake-up call. Definitely, insist on the marriage counselling if she is amenable. If she wants to work it out, then she will probably agree. Your problems sound too serious to work out on your own. I think you need the help of trained, unbiased, professionals. (not the elders!)


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