Need marital advice (page 2)

lost_light06

We are both young, mid 20's. She was really upset with me 8 mo's ago when i told her I didn't believe the "truth" anymore. We have 2 young kids together and I truly love her so, Yes, saving my marriage is very important to me. WC, while I appreciate your advice and would do it if I knew she was cheating the fact is I don't know whats going on. She only first emailed this guy 2 days ago but she has twice asked to connect with him and I think she has called him or text messaged him.

delilah

She was really upset with me 8 mo's ago when i told her I didn't believe the "truth" anymore.

Wait a minute here.................she's still a practising dub? And she's pulling these stunts? She knows it's a "no-no".....hmmm....SIT HER DOWN NOW......and talk to her about her actions. She can't use this as an excuse,( you not believing it's the truth") to get away with acting like this. That's just bull.

Zuko

WC

I assume you have never know anyone who has gone through a divorce. Everything you said to do slants the proceeding to her favor. Although I agree with your thinking it is the wrong thing to do. I have heard on more than one occation that cheating itself is not grounds for divorce anymore because so many people do it. Unfortunately no matter what he does if it comes to divorce he is going to pay the samething everyone else does according to his or her income. He can walk in with the judge and find her in bed with another guy and it really doesnt matter.

gumby

She was really upset with me 8 mo's ago when i told her I didn't believe the "truth" anymore. We have 2 young kids together and I truly love her so,
She only first emailed this guy 2 days ago but she has twice asked to connect with him and I think she has called him or text messaged him.

Well, Delilah beat me to the punch. If she has grown distant from you because you left the organisation.....and if she is now a married woman seeking to meet a wordly man ( unless the meetup is with a fellow dub which I doubt ), then she needs to see her sin is as equal as yours is...... at least in her eyes. She felt you left Jehovah and she is leaving him also in doing this.

What gave you reason to suspect her private mails were suspicious if you don't mind saying.

Gumby

lost_light06

What made me suspect is we were getting emails from myspace saying she had new myspace messages from her brother's friend. I don't know her brother's friend very well so I thought it was odd they were emailing each other so much. So I checked her myspace email account. Turns out the messages between her and her bro's friend were totally benign, nothing to worry about, but I found these other messages from this guy she works with.

anewme

Dare I enter this foray?

Lost, I was like your wife once, sick and tired of my husband and searching around for love.
My husband could have saved our marriage I think.

This is how: By giving me extraordinary amounts of attention! By doing the rooster thing....crowing away all other competition and sidling up to me and showing me he was my man! (Sorry I just got a rooster and am impressed how he maintains authority) Instead he spied on me, invaded my emails and answering machine, verbally battled me and belittled me and did everything but take me in his arms and make me his!

He even called the guy and had him over for a Bible study.........I kid you not. I wanted to scream.

Eventually I saw them both as misfits and found myself a Real Human Rooster who knows how to keep his woman! I know better than to go behind Mr Anewme's back! He'd put a hole in my favorite furniture or drive my car off a cliff and then go kill the other guy. Then afterwards I'd be his sex prisoner in bed for a week to show me who is my husband.

(Is this too much information?)

Just thought it might help.
Fight for your woman! Get rid of the other guy and make your woman know you desire her!

My .02,

Anewme

kid-A

This is how: By giving me extraordinary amounts of attention! By doing the rooster thing....crowing away all other competition and sidling up to me and showing me he was my man!

Anewme, with all due respect, I believe "marriage vows" are worded in such a way that all "competition" is now a moot point. If you are married, you are officially "off the market", no ifs ands or buts. I think your reasoning may be applicable to a couple that is in the early phases of "dating" but certainly not applicable after taking marriage vows.

If someone feels neglected, the ethical action to take is to discuss the matter with one's mate, not sneak around and have affairs. If and ONLY if the underlying situation with ones spouse cannot be resolved, should one consider finding another partner. And even then, only after formal separation and/or divorce.

Check_Your_Premises

We are both young, mid 20's. She was really upset with me 8 mo's ago when i told her I didn't believe the "truth" anymore. We have 2 young kids together and I truly love her so, Yes, saving my marriage is very important to me. WC, while I appreciate your advice and would do it if I knew she was cheating the fact is I don't know whats going on. She only first emailed this guy 2 days ago but she has twice asked to connect with him and I think she has called him or text messaged him.

Lost Light... tough spot. Especially having children with her. I can personally attest that there is NOTHING good about growing up in a broken home.

You need to really be honest here, and understand that this is a situation largely outside of your control. You have to be ready to face some hard truths and all that they imply. I know you want to save your marriage. Does your wife? If she doesn't, all your wanting won't mean a thing.

Does it really matter if she were fully intending to head out the door to bang some guy, and you stopped her right before she left. Ok, besides the practical matters of possible disease and pregnancy (which most judges will put you on the hook for since you are married to her!!!), it still doesn't really matter does it?

She is either already gone or she is not. One thing my father the divorce attorney told me is most divorces are one person wanting to leave and the other person who doesn't. The person who doesn't gets majorly screwed because they are still holding out for some hope of reconciliation, while the other person has already left and only looking out shrewdly for their own best interests.

I know you are in ALOT of pain right now. You need to look past that and really focus on the best interest of you and your children. Apparantly your wife isn't!

So the question is, "has she left". I think you need to confront her with what you know. If she is ONLY mad at you for snooping, I would say that is a good "she has left" sign. Watch out for the "we're just friends" bit. Guys just aren't friends with women. If she is remorseful and sorry then perhaps she has not left. You will still have alot to work through, and you will still have to watch her like a hawk, but at least you will have a starting point.

If she has left you can either end the marriage or not. This is a very difficult decision since you have children. I am always of the opinion that barring an openly abusive environment, it is always better to have children raised in an intact home. Would you consider an open marriage? A marriage in name only? It really is up to you. You obviously would have to protect yourself from her getting knocked up or diseased.

Hope things go ok. WC has one thing dead on, do not be a pussy! Your instincts might be to grovel and beg in the hopes that she will appreciate your deep desire to keep your marriage intact. In my experience nothing would make her lose respect for you faster, and lead to an deeper desire to leave you. Your persona no matter how you feel inside is that you could really give a damn what she does. The only reason you are even bothering to mention it is because of the practical considerations. If you are ready to walk, no worries, that will ironically make you more desireable in her eyes.

And if things don't work out, just remember it will get easier every day. Tomorrow will be easier than today. Next week will be easier than this week. Next year? This woman will become "who?". So try to cheer yourself up with the the fact that you won't have to put up with any of her crap anymore. And think about all the women you have wanted to chase, and all the new opportunities. Forget about her.

And just help your kids to heal from it all as best you can!

CYP

earthtone

And even then, only after formal separation and/or divorce.

I was agreeing with most of what you said until this part... sometimes it doesn't work out like that. If it's over it's over. But it's definately better to do it this way.

And I have to agree with anewane to a point. When sh*t is on the rocks, and you want to make it work and you know there is something going on talk about then.Don't keep sneaking around for more evidence.

Check_Your_Premises

Another thought LL,

How sure are you that she hasn't already been with this guy? Where there is smoke there is fire my friend. I would invoke the cock-roach rule here. For every cockroack you see there are a thousand you don't. For every phone call and email there are a buttload of other things you don't know about.

How well can you account for her time?

Sorry, I just got you all paranoid probably. I just don't want you wasting alot of time with denial.

CYP

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