My mother in law was in for 25 years and raised her kids in it. She had 6 kids and three were baptized. Her husband left her for someone else non JW as he was never one, and she remarried a well loved elder about 15 years ago. Then...in 1999 she DAd after much debate and study. This is a woman who wouldnt change toilet paper brands without consulting the bound volumes and Jehovahs "thoughts" on the matter. She was hard core JW. She was out for about 3 years and while taking care of me for two weeks following a hysterectomy, we were going over photo albums sitting on the bed and all of them were from our own history together in the Dubs...all pictures of the "friends" at picnics, at our wedding, at HER wedding, at my baby showers, at HER baby shower...and she broke down and wept. She reinstated herself a couple months later...at least she began the process then...she stopped talking to me cold and began the long long long climb back to acceptance by the Borg. And when she finally was reinstated after a YEAR of groveling....she saw a totally different place and totally different faces than those she thought she loved so much that she fought so hard to get back to. They didnt accept her back to the same relationships she had before. She was wearing the scarlet "A". What she heard in the talks, what she saw in the magazines, the behavior of the friends, the lack of love....grated on her soul day and night. She knew too much. She had her family "back"...but lost herself. She wasnt being true to God or to Jesus which was her aim, as she loves the Bible...and so couldnt continue to live the hypocrisy in what she knew was not the Truth but the Lie. She could not be a follower nor a pleaser of MEN.
She layed low for a couple years trying to avoid being DAd....but once the direct questions were asked, she answered them honestly and she is once again DAd. But this time she sees clearly the hold the Society has, the terror it puts into the hearts of its members to make them stay. She isnt under their power any more. She's free. And hopefully some day her JW kids will follow suit. She and you have to live with yourselves daily. And so do the ones who judge you have to live with what they are doing. Its not your job to make THEM look better. Many a child has come home a hero from serving in BETHEL to be disfellowshipped, bringing the ultimate shame on their JW families. Each person is personally responsible for their relationship with God...they cant ride the tail of your ability to do good talks into the New System.
If you go back you are PROVING they have power over you ...you are playing the game. Its all a game...all it will do is make your position worse. They will add that you now MOCK Jehovah, that you are a HYPOCRITE and that you are a DECEIVER to your already long list of evils.
Dont take those long steps backwards. Dont.