This Past Sunday My Wife Took Me To The Elders- Part 2

by enlightenedcynic 78 Replies latest jw experiences

  • outbutnotdown
    I do feel that her approach throughout all of this has been manipulative and demeaning; shes reinforcing a message which suggests that if you do what she wants you to do then all will be well but if you dont toe the line then all hell will be let loose. What makes this even more sinister is that shes cloaked this with what she would describe as love when in reality (as it seems to me) its far from that; your relationship in my view is one not of love but about control.

    I agree wholeheartedly.

    However, you did buy yourself some time by "chickening out" when talking to the PO.

    Take that time to plan your exit from your marriage, so that you can ensure that you have a relationship with the kids when you are out, because if you don't ensure that now, the JWs will stop at nothing in their attempts to keep the kids from you.

    And if somewhere along the way, your wife opens her eyes to her manipulative nature and accepts you for you as opposed to what she's doing now, then accept her back into your life.

    You're not in an easy situation, but if you don't stnd up for what's right, it could get a LOT worse. Protect yourself now.


  • Darth Yhwh
    Darth Yhwh

    Well it looks as if you've successfully managed to prolong the inevitable. The only advice that I can give you is to enjoy the calm while it lasts. Hopefully with patience and persistance you'll be able to successfully awaken you wife from her slumber.

    Good luck! Here's to you!

    Thanks for sharing.

  • ithinkisee

    Well, minus the wife who won't listen to reason, your post brought back really ugly feelings from about 18 months ago:

    From March 16, 2005: At the end of my rope with this JW crap

    From March 3, 2005: I am a hypocrite

    I feel for you man ...


  • rebel8
    Can you say trapped for the foreseeable future?

    Actually, maybe not. It sounds like you are now in the perfect position to fade. You "showed the right attitude", so you're not getting DFd. You convinced them you are overwhelmed with day to day stuff and need a break. Your wife's duty to rat you out has been satisfied. Now you can come down with some stress headaches or stress-related sleep disorder that means you must miss meetings to deal with the pain or make up for missed sleep.

  • mkr32208
    \Whatever course you decide to take from here on out, you'll need to show more backbone than that.

    How can you get your wife's trust and respect if you cave in like that?

    Well this is just 'theocratic warfare!'

    I would say two things (yeah right I'm constantly running my mouth!) (this is also based on the assumption that you want to stay with her and you both truly love each other!)

    1) Start your fade

    2) Shower her and the kids with GENUINE attention and love! If she sees you as the bad guy you are gonna lose!

  • elliej

    Just my two cents, but, I agree with mkr3228 shower her with love and affection, really work on your relationship. For the time being, keep up the act. And Jgnat had a really good suggestion- start a family study designed to get them to THINK! I was able to convince my husband this was not The Truth by using their own literature against them. This might take a lot of time and planning, but maybe you can ask questions that don't make her suspicious but get her to see things from another angle. It's worth a try cause you will be saving your kids from the cult in the long run.

    As far as the sex thing, I'm sorry that she is using it against you to get what she wants, but neither of you should be using it as a weapon. If you feel like it, do it. It will only hurt your relationship to use it to get back at each other or blackmail each other into acting a certain way. Good luck, man, I hope it works out for you.

  • serendipity

    I really like the idea of a family study that makes everyone think. You could study the Bible, or if your wife wants to study a pub - the "Greatest Man" book is a good one- easy enough for the kids, and could provide some food for thought for Christians who want to imitate Christ.

    Reading this makes me think I'd feel betrayed if my spouse ratted me out without giving an opportunity to explain things first. Do you feel trusting of her? IF not, tell her so. Tell her that she should have come to you first about the things she found:

    “Moreover, if your brother commits a sin, go lay bare his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15
    However, a feeling of betrayal, etc. could provide you an excuse to become too depressed to go to the meetings.
  • Satanus
    I chickened out and said, "In retrospect I realize that I should not have accessed this info online, I could have really stumbled across some faith damaging stuff".

    Sometimes you can win a small battle, and lose the war. I don't call that chickening out, it's doing what has to be done, giving ground to an enemy (not referring to your your wife) in a superior position. Good luck in your war.


  • Forscher

    Thanks for the update EC.
    Sun Tzu, in his famous work The Art of War said that when one was pursued to "hide in the bowels of the earth". You were in a situation that your wife sprang on you with no warning and where she had control. Survival was your aim. So you took the course which gave you that end. Not bad!
    You may have gained yourself some time. Now put it to work. Since your wife wants to play serious games and thinks she has the upper hand, educate yourself on how to play those dirty games. First, get yourself a copy of the The Art of War and learn what it has to say about winning the battle. Next, get yourself some encryption software (there are several good ones for free online) and encrypt anything you don't want your wife or anybody else getting into. Finally, make sure one of the things you encrypt is a copy of the Elder's manual under a name which doesn't give away what it is and learn that book through and through so that will know the system better than your wife.
    Then you should be able to start calling the shots! In the meantime make sure your wife can't get her hads on your ID and password for this forum and keep us posted on doings in the organization while you play at being a good Dub. We'll appreciate the info you can pass our way! When you are ready to bend your wife to your will and take your freedom, you'll know. We'll be in your corner man!

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    If it wasn't for the children, I'd say drop the big F Bomb on the whole lot of them and be done with it.

    You're in a tough spot, I can empathize because it's one that I was damn close to at one time. Thankfully my wife saw the truth about The Truth so I was saved making the tough choice you are facing.

    At this point, ask yourself what is most important in your life. Literally write down what is important and what you can leave behind. It might help you decide your next move.

    Either way, it's clear you cannot trust your wife. From this point forward you must live a double life and lie thoroughly, completely and absolutely to her or make a clean break and leave.

    I'm very sorry.



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