Thanks for all of the kind words and advice, I appreciate it greatly and will look to use some of it. A special thank you to both Cal and Vitty for their pm's which gave me a different perspective to look from.
So the p.o. meets with us in one of the back rooms and my wife starts to speak. She says that she can't see herself being with me anymore because she feels unsafe. Unsafe?? "Why do you feel that way?", I ask. She proceeds to run down a list of things that I am doing wrong.
1. We don't work in field service as a couple
2. Family study is not held frequently
3. She rarely sees me reading my WT's or other literarture or preparing for meetings
4. (Drumroll please.............................She found this apostate literature on the computer, how can she feel safe or think that her children are safe with me beacause(her exact words), "Anyone who doubts Jehovah's organization is capable of anything".
The p.o. lets her words hang in the air and then says to me, "So what do you have to say in response?" I answer,
1. It is very difficult to bring myself, the wife and two kids(ages 6 & 8) out in door to door. I thought that by us taking turns in going out(each of us takes a child when we go out) that we were doing good. It is better than not going out at all! Besides, in order for us to work alone as a couple, we would need a babysitter and the only ones who babysit for us are the ones whom I pay to do it.
2. I agree, family study is hit and miss sometimes ,and I will do better.
3. I also agree, I rarely read WT's and other literature at home because when I get home from work, I usually have to cook a meal, wash dishes and tidy up(we both work and I get home first with the kids that I pick up from afterschool). I will try to do better.
The p.o. nods his head and says that it just sounds like we are overwhelmed and exhausted like so many other families "in the truth". He says that we need a break from our regular routine, why don't we send the kids away and take a vacation alone. Great idea, but my parents are deceased, and my other relatives are not "in the truth", so the kids don't get to see their uncles and aunt very often. My wife's mom is in the south, she is old and sickly so she can't manage the kids. Now what? The p.o. says that we have a difficult situation, but that Jehovah will help us. Don't give up and try to work this out since the congregation loves and needs us. Yeah, I can just feel all the love when friends pass me by and barely open their mouth beacuse I am not an elder or a ms.
The tone of the conversation and his voice now changes and the p.o. now says to me, "So whats this about apostate literature?" I answered that I don't have any apostate literature. I said that what my wife printed out was info about JW's that is freely available online. He then says, "Where did you get the old WT articles and the UN letter thing, certainly not from the slave's website?". I answered, "No, I didn't get it from the official WT site, but again, the information can be found freely online. Newspapers have archives online that you can access and Google is a very powerful search engine!". "But why do you need to snoop around online about the society, all the info we need is right there(he points to the library) and if you insist on using a computer, all you need is the CD", the p.o. says to me. He then says the words that I know mark the turning part of this conversation..."You do know that what you have done is wrong?". At this point my wife is glaring at me and so is he, waiting for the wrong answer to come out of my mouth. I chickened out and said, "In retrospect I realize that I should not have accessed this info online, I could have really stumbled across some faith damaging stuff". The p.o. sits back in his chair and unclenches his hands. "Good...good...good, he's gonna be just fine", he says to my wife. He says that I should pay close attention this weekend to the parts at the DC on the dangers of the internet and apostasy. He proceeds to offer a few more words of "encouragement" and then prays...my wife reaches over and holds my hand.
As we leave the hall and walk down the street(my wife is walking up ahead with the p.o.'s wife who waited alone in the auditorium for him)the p.o. says to me, " You know, I was were you are right now. I have doubts and questions..we all do, but see this thing right here(pointing at his head/brain) it is a blessing and a curse. Information is powerful, too much information can kill you! Spiritually that is". He then slaps me on the back and rubs the nape of my neck.....I wanted to scream.
We reach the corner and bid our farewells to the p.o. and his wife. As we are walking towards home, my wife says that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me and that my children need me very much, but if it ever comes down to Jah or me...there is no choice! She then does something that makes my blood boil...she puts her hand under my jacket and playfully scratches my back(her sign to me when she wants sex)..."Maybe we can do something tonight", she says.
Can you say trapped for the foreseeable future?