This Past Sunday My Wife Took Me To The Elders!

by enlightenedcynic 70 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jgnat

    Oh, I'm not saying that enlightenedcynic should not take care of his best interests. Sure, get a lawyer if separation is immenent. Protect your custody rights. It's just instincts are telling me that this woman is selfish and wants what she wants the easy way (her attitude towards oral, for instance). If divorce turns out to be a whole bunch of work, she might change her mind and actually work on saving her marriage.

    Is she working outside the home now? How would she react if she found out that as a divorcee, she would be expected to work?

  • delilah

    It's just instincts are telling me that this woman is selfish and wants what she wants the easy way (her attitude towards oral, for instance). If divorce turns out to be a whole bunch of work, she might change her mind and actually work on saving her marriage.

    Funny you should say this, Jgnat. Reading through the thread, I had the very same thought. I sure hope she reconsiders and works on the marriage. She's got a real good husband from what I've read, and she'd be crazy to throw it all away, just for this religion.

  • unique1

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this. You sound like a very good/giving person. I wish you the best in your upcoming meeting.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Just saw this; Haven't read all the posts yet; Hope I'm not repeating others similar advise.

    What strikes me immediately is the question "What happens if you hold the marriage together?"

    She knows that you know things are not right in the religion. She can't un-know that in future months, and years. She will always be suspicious. You will always be a closet apostate. Until you finally can't live the double life any longer. Then what? The divorce that you fought off in the past? How many additional years will have passed? I say get it all out in the open - start with a question like this; Honey, we have invested 14 years in this marriage. We love each other. Give me two hours - just two hours to show you why I have such doubts. Will you at least do that before you throw all this away? Then work your ass off in those two hours to convince her. If nothing else - if she still leaves - you will have shown her good reasons why she should start thinking. Just my opinion - the way I would do it after 30 years in my marriage. I would have to be honest and let the cards fall.

    The formula is this; As long as a religion [or a book publisher posing as a religion] dictates your thinking, and filters your life through a judgementalistic sieve, you will have to be either a serious witness, or a secret hater of the religion. Either way, can you be true to yourself?

    I feel great sadness that you are in a position as this. Thankfully when I left, wifey came along full steam. Amen to that. Good luck to you.

    Keep us posted.


  • lonelysheep

    Sorry, EC.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    I may be totally off base here and should not even say this, but there has been one thought running through my head since I started reading this thread. Is she building a case against you because she might be having an affair and she is looking for a way out of the marriage, making you look like the bad guy?

    First I'm very sorry for your situation.

    I mean no disrespect, but I suspect that religion is the pretext here. I thin Lo-ru-hama might be on the right track. If you and your wife have not been intimate in some time, it sounds as if she is the one pulling back and looking for a way out of the marriage. Whether she has been unfaithful to you or not is possible, but that she wants out of the marriage is (to my poor brain) a strong probability. But I do think religion/apostacy, etc. is a red herring. The real issue is something else.

    It sounds to me as if she needs some sort of justification, that she has to appear to be the "good guy". If she divorced you with no pretext, she would be "wrong". One thing that struck me was that she woke you up in the middle of the night to have this talk. It's as if she wanted to catch you unawares so she could set the agenda. And I do think she has a very clear agenda. She wants out and she wants to demonize you in the process so she can keep her skirts clean. I also suspect that things haven't been good between you two for some time.

    Again, I too could be wrong; sometimes I see things that aren't there. I hope things can be worked out between you.

  • MidwichCuckoo

    Technically (from the Society's point), I cannot see that you have done anything unscriptual. You appear to be a good husband/provider and father - what caring mother would deprive her children of their father? Hasn't she thought about the kids?

    Your post/wife doesn't ring true - intimacy ended six weeks ago and only now she produces her reason which she has had to hunt for (on your PC). Reads like an excuse. I hope I'm wrong.

    I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

  • MinisterAmos

    The thing that really stinks is that he'll have two janitors and a window washer serving as his "counselors." Believe what you want about their qualifications, the fact is that 99.7% of the US public views them as I do.

    At least drag wifey to someone who is trained in MENDING marriages rather than one who can only order her to follow scripture.

  • lila

    This must me a hurtful time and I feel for you because I was just given an Eler's meeting for the same thing, but my husband is "worldly" and they are giving me literature on the topic of reasons to leave you mate. Also, I am going through the same as Garybuss and my mother is causing problem and "tattling" on me.

    Your wife will be told that spirituality with Jehovah is first and you may lose her if she is really brainwashed. They all have such a way and are trained in areas you don't know.

    I go to the meetings to please people and I also think it is a book selling racket. I am moving next week to a new town 500 km away. My husband and I have to do this to escape the mind games and fear presented by the WT. If we don't do this, we may not last.

    you need support and understanding. Even though you are the head of the home, the elders will meet with your wife apart from you, they did it with me and encourage you to continue going to them for help. They also put things in a way that does not mar their reputation so it looks like they were involved in any divorce or separation discissions.

    gaurd your heart and get ready, don't be surprised at anything!


  • BluesBrother

    Hello Enlightenedcynic, I am sorry to read of your troubles. I could be using the old saying"There but for the grace of God go I" because my wife is active, I am "inactive" and she knows me to be confirmed in "apostate" thinking lthough I still attend some meetings with her and am well known among the congregation - albeit not doing anything but attend. If Sister BluesBrother ever came to the same conclusion, she could shop me at any time. But she knows better and wisely keeps silent.

    As for you, I think that you have the moral high ground here. If your wife approaches the elders, it will be her that is seeking a separation, in direct violation of Bible law for wives and Watchtower counsel and policy.

    You are an active witness, on paper at least and that is what counts. You have not endangered her spirituality, far from it - you study with the family. She is the one seeking to break the sacred marriage vow.

    As for the pieces of paper? they can be explained - research , questions, you were thinking of asking the elders about the U N thing....

    As for sex? I would say nothing. Nothing at all. You have no need to. The elders would then just have her confession that she indulged in whatever practice was described. Reminds me of a hypothetical posed at an elders school once . "If one person confesses to something and the other does not, treat the silent one with the benefit of doubt since not 2 witnesses, but treat the confessor as a self confessed practicer of wrongdoing" With logic like that, no wonder the organization is in difficulty! but it may work in your favour.

    So I sincerely hope that you can pull this through and save the marriage . If you play it right the elders will have to be on your side.

    Good luck

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