Will DA'ing myself be better for my children's future?

by indoubt 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • BluesBrother

    Personally, I can never see the point of d/a ing oneself, although I accept that others may have had personal reasons.

    As I see it . As of now things are ok. You could go to the hall if you wanted to accompany the family, witnesses can visit your house without having to consider whether you might be at home. Your wife is obliged to view you as the family head.

    If you d/a - she will be told to have "limited " association, she would not be permitted to have a scriptural discussion. Anything you say and any opinion that you hold would be viewed as "Satanic". Your impressionable children may well be brought up to view you as the enemy of their faith and future salvation .

    I would do all things possible to keep communication open. As the kids get older try and reason with them . Get them to always ask "Why", teach them to think critically. Always expose them to the view that the WTS is not the only teacher. And help them get worldly friends.

    Who knows? a good many wives have been won over and helped out of the Borg, but you have to keep communication open

  • greendawn

    If you disassociate how will your wife react? She may decide to cause trouble under the inspiration of JW teachings. I think you can subtly teach your children as they get older about the realities of this pseudochristian religion, hoping that they will make the right moves in time.

  • indoubt

    Wow! Thanks for all of your comments!

    I am not inclined one bit to follow the JW rules and I don't have any issue staying "inactive" all my life.

    My #1 priority is to save my kids from being JWs, and to help my wife to use her critical thinking. If I can accomplish this better by DA'ing myself then I will... but it seems clear that the majority here would not DA.

    I am afraid of forcing the kids to stay at home instead of going to meetings; in my opinion this will only give more ammos to the JWs and my wife as they will see my action as persecution and do even more efforts to preach to the children. I guess it's what we call a dilemma.

    I think that the main points I have gathered so far are:

    • Remain "inactive".
    • Love-bomb my wife and kids: this won't be too hard to do, as I love them very much . One thing I can do better is to give more attention to my wife... I plan to remedy to this situation right away.
    • Try not to talk against the JW: this is a tough one for me, as I am a vocal person by nature. But I understand that the more I do this, the more my wife thinks she is in the right religion ("...you will be persecuted...")
    • Put my kids in activities where they will be with other non-JW kids: I plan to do just that in the upcoming months.
    • As the kids grow up, explain them my beliefs, and the reasons that pushed me to think this way.

    Thanks again for all your insight... and keep the suggestions coming if you have more!


  • mouthy

    Try not to talk against the JW:

    I think this is the MOST important one. The more you talk against them the stronger JW they will be come. I know!!!! from experience -I stuck up for them through beatings, losing my Mum & Dad, friends.

    So TRY!!!!!

  • jwfacts

    Why D/A yourself in writing, you are then just following WTS rules. Your actions show that you are no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and the children will know that as they grow up. I think the position you are in currently is best, as it confuses people, so they sort of talk to you but sort of don't know if they should.
    When your children are a couple of years older they will start asking you questions, that will mean they are old enough for the answers. Then you can slowly explain the truth. By their teens they will not want to be JWs either.

  • willyloman

    Oops, wrong topic.

  • JT

    keep in mind the elders may decide to used the nov 15 -88 wt to tell your wife to leave you and take the kids, why

    they are all in "spiritual endangerment"

    jw are known to hide jw who leave their mates on such grounds, keep in mind that DA in my view is the worst thing one can do, why because this is exactly what the wt WANTS you to do

    the legel dept wants to get your letter in the congo files for their protection

    many former jw have no idea what the purpose of the elders requesting a "LETTER" from you

    many persons are told by elders , if you feel this way about the org why don't you just write a letter

    and said to say too many in my view compile with what is actually the society's wishes-

    while it might provide some mental break- it is actually carrying out the last will and testament as it were that the society wants from you

    so even on the way out the door one is still complying to wt rules, esp rules est by the legal dept

    as mentioned take your kids out to do stuff and keep them busy, they will hate going to the hall sitting for 2 hours- instead of going to the park

    esp at the age they are now

    think long and hard about how you want to do this

    as has been seen so many times, many former jw while they would still have left, they often wish they had done it a different way- esp if they have kids

    you you are single no kids just you is one thing, this is why each person nneeds to look at their situation and go from there

    while it is true what works for one maynot work for others, but there is much that can be learned from others

  • witnessscorn

    I have a similar issue but invovling my wife. My daughter is baptised (15) son is not (13) niether of then ask about it. My wife and I have been inactive for about 6 months. I'm ready to make it official she is not. We just don't talk about it. But the kids have lots of friends outside they are very active in the community in sports. We don't deprive them of friends, but we are able to supervise their association. I know that the elders don't approve they have told me that but I don't care, and neither does my wife. There are just as many bad associates in the cong. as there are outside. See if you can get her to agree with making friends with nieghborhood kids. It made all the differnce for my kids. And we are all happier then ever. Now if I can only convince my Wife that we don't need the witnesses at all.

  • witnessscorn

    I understand Blues Bothers reasoning, I struggled with that for along time, years. What finally helped me make my decsision was that I felt like a hypocrit and a fake when I was at the meetings. I had to be true to myself, and not care what the elders thaoght anymore. Barbara Andeson just today helped me realize that my wife has stuck with me and let me do what I felt I needed to do this far and so she probably will continue, because she has shown that she loves me more then Jehovah or the congregation.

  • sass_my_frass

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................... I think not.

    (1) My children will clearly see my position vis-a-vis the JW religion, and (2) as they will grow older, they will also hopefully notice that something is really wrong with a religion that forbids my parents, sister, in-laws to have a relationship with me just because we do not share the same beliefs

    OR: 1) You mortally wound your marriage causing your wife to side with the cult, and convince the children that Daddy is apostate and therefore we can't listen to anything he says, and 2) as they grow older they will still only have their mother guiding them because she's the only one Jehovah lets them listen to.

    If you're at least allowed to talk to them, you'll have a chance of being in their lives.

    Also note: if you're still a JW, you're still the Spiritual Head. If any crazy crap is going down, it's your right to put a stop to it. If you're not a JW, spiritual warfare such as doing crazy crap behind your back is justifiable.

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