Nowhere else to go

by joelbear 55 Replies latest jw friends

  • bigmouth

    Joelbear, as you know,the lithium can be very effective for your condition.Make sure you get those blood tests to get your dosage to a therapeutic level and stick with it.DO NOT suffer in silence.If you need to go into hospital then good.Can you access talk therapy individually or in a group?If you can't deal with friends or relatives in the meantime at least keep posting here.We'll watch out for you.Pete

  • MsMcDucket

    Don't be sad. We love ya! Sounds like you're on the down side of the bi-polar arena. Don't forget that you can cycle out pretty quickly! And you'll be feeling good again. The medicine will help stop the cycling, so that you get to norm. Hope for the best and forget about the rest.

    Think good thoughts!

  • joelbear

    i really don't think the lithium will work. i think that in reality i am a broken man. my soul, my desire to go on continues to diminish. i keep myself going with the few goals i have left. i want to leave a complete portfolio of who i was. i have picked out a name i want to be known as after i die and want on my tombstone. i may make it a few more months, i may not make it past the end of the year. i know i won't try pills again. i don't have a concrete plan set.

    i'm 47 years old. i have no one who cares enough to call and ask me to go to dinner. its a really eerie deep loneliness and sense of being nobody.

    i am beginning to feel non existent rather than simply disliked. like people wish i wasn't there or simply don't see me.

    its ridiculous that we don't have euthanasia centers. people who want to die for whatever reason should be accommodated.

    i have failed in the human process. i admit it.

  • Super_Becka

    joelbear, please don't give up, you're an incredible person and the world would be a much sadder and lonelier place without you. A friend of mine sent me this a while back and I thought it was fitting. Read it, believe it.

    -Becka :)

    15 Things You Probably

    Never Knew or Thought About

    1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

    2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

    3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

    4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

    5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

    6. You mean the world to someone.

    7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

    8. You are special and unique.

    9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

    10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

    11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

    12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

    13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

    14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

    15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

    A Minute

    They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

    Take the time... to live and love.

  • joelbear

    i think i am just tired of agonizing over the question of why no one puts any value on my existence.

    i do get grouchy sometimes and can be mean when i am in a bad mood, but consistently apologize

    for any hurt that i cause. i'm generally knowledgeable and agreeable. i don't insist on things being

    my way all the time. i was a good kid, a good student, but my parents had no clue who i was or

    what i was experiencing.

    i feel like i am ready to disconnect and drift away.

  • joelbear

    i know i'm very different. i can remember recognizing that and being very fearful at a very early age. by the time i was 5 or 6 i had begun to separate myself from the rest of the world mentally. my parents were there but they were not a place of refuge for me. my life was always that of trying to make someone or some group acknowledge me and/or my personal value.

    placing magazines and books, making A's in school, forming clubs, but always knowing that there was a gap that existed that kept me from connecting. it made me lonely and at times sad and at other times very angry that others seemed to be part of something that i was not.

  • kls

    Joelbear , never ever give up on live or anything that it has to offer. Get out in the world and find your place and do something that has meaning to you ,not for others but just for yourself . The past does hurt like it does for so many but now is the future and you can do whatever you want to make life fun and make a difference. Do something to show the world " I am here and i can make a difference". Try volunteering at something till you find what really interest you and go for it .

    Remember ,it only takes one person to make a difference and you Joel can do that . Think of the future and not the past because the future is still young.

  • joelbear

    there is an unreachable part of myself that is condemned as evil.

    i have always known it existed and i have always tried to do as much good as i could

    to offset it, but in the end it has won, it cannot be vanquished.

  • joelbear

    i've cut on myself enough this year to know that i would never be able to go this way

    twice with pills left me sick for the week's after.

    jump in front of a train. would put others in danger, same for jumping off building, can't forget the scene from Amelie

    car in garage, too worried about being brain damaged and not dead

    hanging, not mechanical enough to figure out how to do it

    most people kill themselves with guns, there is probably a good reason for that.

  • nilfun

    Please give your medication a chance, Joelbear.(((()))

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