by Cordelia 63 Replies latest jw friends
God i feel so bad forstarting this thread!
Stop feeling guilty for things over which you have no responsibility.
This is the same type of guilt you are manifesting over simply living your life. You haven't done ANYTHING harmful.
It is easy. Just stop being responsible for everyone else's reactions and just find peace in your own actions.
Thanks you guys its just when the bf does something that is abit uncaring i wonder whether i am doing the rightthing!
im taking my daughter today to my mums and she said she wants to know once and for all am i definately seeing the lad coz if i am she said she will see my daughter through my hubby as she will have nothing to do with me!
as the bf has been abit uncaring recently itll be hard for me to do it as part of me wantsthem not to know how serious it is with my bf so they feel they can have some contact, but i know its better to be honest either way i wont be saying what they want to hear as im not going to the meetings now!
so wish me luck,
i didnt mean to ask you all what i should do as i know you have listened to me and helped so much before (especailly you jgnat, yet again you have been brilliant and i do listen honest, its just so hard!) i just needed to be reassured again so thanks for that!
es, did your parents not come to your wedding? are you dfed coz of it? i saw your pics they looked gorgous and you looked so happy,
Cords sorry I haven't posted on this thread before now. I know what you mean about how its easy to want to go back to your family and their requirements when it seems they realy love you and your dad is crying (its fucking awful when your dad cries isn't it - you can;t bear to cause a grown man that much pain. remember he is causing himself pain not you.) and especially so when your partner isn't being affectionate or understanding enough.
I don;t know your partner but I do know mine and he doesnt understanfd the JW thing - he doesn;t get why I'm not over it and I dont think he ever will. Some things we cannot understand about our partners no matter how hard we try because we don't have the same life experiences. It doesnt make them bad or unfeeling - just not able to be the total support we want. It doesnt mean they don;t care and given just how fucked up our families are and we are then its bloody difficult for them - they didn;t ask for girls with baggage - they just got them. Just remember to thank you bf from time to time for his patience and go all out to make him feel special and I'm sure he'll respond in kind if he's worth his salt.
Normal families do not ask you to choose between your bf and your whole family. We dont come from normal families and its not out poor chap's fault that we have to make this choice and then invest all our eggs in their basket because we've lost everyone else we love. It can be claustrophobic for them too.
jeez i haven;t spoken with so much sense in a long time - i think i should take my own advice!
Thanks you guys its just when the bf does something that is abit uncaring i wonder whether i am doing the rightthing!im taking my daughter today to my mums and she said she wants to know once and for all am i definately seeing the lad coz if i am she said she will see my daughter through my hubby as she will have nothing to do with me!
as the bf has been abit uncaring recently itll be hard for me to do it as part of me wantsthem not to know how serious it is with my bf so they feel they can have some contact, but i know its better to be honest either way i wont be saying what they want to hear as im not going to the meetings now!
so wish me luck,
First of all...tell them that what you choose to do with your life and who you choose to see is nothing to do with them; tell them that you love them but you do not answer to them anymore and that you are not a child. Tell them also that things are very up in the air at the moment and that you are not prepared to make any life changing decisions because of this but wish to be left alone to make such decisions without their pressure or influence.
Avoid telling them that you love him because then they will just think you are being emotional and they are simply incapable of understanding this; hit them with cold hard facts such as hes a friend that you can rely upon at this moment. (although from what you have said its debateable!) But at least it will be more palatable for them right now.
Yes they should be there for you but tell them that their constant interference is unacceptable and there constant demands for justification or a decision either way is tantamount to emotional violence and should stop immediately.
Tell them also that if they want to see your daughter then they should do it through you and with your consent only as they cant have it both ways. They are keen to use emotional violence to get their objectives...retaliate....tell them that if they cut you off they will be cutting their contact off with your daughter too and that they could be creating problems for your ex husband legally if they demand to see your daughter through him (its a bluff but you can use it and if they ask how...tell them that you have a right to say who your child sees and who she doesn't).
You have a right to get angry here Cord...I am mad just reading about how poor they are treating you....
DB74
(PS Good Luck)
Hi there,
I find the choices presented to you are very difficult when your family are witnesses. Because you have decided you dont agree with things about it enough to want to live your life differently, you're looked on as doing the hurting to the family. For example my daughter had been to the circuit assembly and said my mother had been crying because I wasnt there, (not been going for two years now) I said to my daughter why cant she be happy that I am happy not going? If I went to please her I wouldn't be happy - and thats the dilema if you please others to the detriment of yourself then somethings gotta give. Doing something that makes your unhappy or disagree's with you will boil up inside you with worse consequences.
I think you have to remember what it was like to be a witness - how it was the only right way to live and that the idea of walking away from it is pure madness! Its only when you allowed the binkers off your eyes and started to see the bigger picture that you see its just one of many many alternative's.
Unfortunately I have made some mistakes after being free of the watchtower, mainly due I think because I had little ability to make choices for myself and a severe reaction to wanting to get as far away from that life as possible. I'm glad to be in the knowledge I now hold about it, but its so hard knowing that because you no longer agree with something, you're cut off. I guess our frustration that our loved one's cant see the reality is the same frustration they have toward us from their point of view. Heck at one time we probably wholeheartedly went along with shunning people/friends etc...I know I did I dont think there are any winners in this - you go back they might be happy but you wont be, you dont go back you're happier but they are not. I think its just something we have to learn to live with.
thanks alot, its so great to know people understand, crumpet how long has it been without your family, db that is such good advice im gonna try and write it down now quick coz im going now and got to face them so it means alot that youve helped me know what to say,
thanks to everyone else too, im just rushing out now got to face it im scared
its been 7 years or just over since i saw my family, except for an hour with my dad about 3 years ago when i drove up with bf to collect some items my grandma had left me - those items turned out to be every photo of me, every letter i'd written my grandparents, every picture and bit f pottery i'd made for them...but thats another hurtful story. i sometimes wonder how such a sensitive person (me) came from such an insensitive upbringing. when i was dfed at 16 i still saw my family regularly as iwas a minor, same when i got dfed at 18, but after some happy times shared during my reinstatement attempt at 22 and subsequent dfing at 23, nothing. no phone calls, letters or meetings. but i could not live a lie for them and now i am deeply ashamed of them for the first time. i can't excuse their behaviour any longer, altho i will forgive them if they ever come to me.
be brave honey.
wow crumpet thats so sad, i didnt realise you had been through the dfing more than once, did you used to get reinstated for your family?
well i have come back, my mum tried to be nice at first but started saying 'everything will be ok when you come back to jeh you must be at all the meetings and study etc' i could of let it go and had apeaceful time but i have been in this position too much and need to be honest now so i said 'i have not left jeh just the crueliest religon on earth, i could never do this to my daughter my love is not conditional i do not think the witnesses are the same as jeh they make thier own rules up'
well that was prob the worst thing i could of said, she screamed at me that i was apostate and satan has got me, and said that if i felt that way about gods organization then i am no longer her daughter and if ever she sees my daughter i have to leave her at the gate!
then my dad came in heard the shouting and turned on my mum, sticking up for me!! then took me outside and said he wouldnt talk now but would come and see me on monday and i had to choose either my boyfriend or going to the meetings and getting my family back, he reckons i could be reinstated in 3 months if i tried again,
im so confused, he was so nice and that actually made it harder, coz i love him so much and i can see his pain on his face and he is so ill, and I am choosing to continue not going to the meetings (throwing the months ive tried to get reinstated away) and be with my boyfriend and bascially leaving my family no choice but to go out of my life,
AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING? CAN SOMEONE REALLY SAY TO THEIR DAD WHO HAS DONE NOTHING BUT LOVE AND BE THERE HIS WHOLE LIFE THAT THEY ARE CHOOSING SOMEONE ELSE OVER HIM?
am i being horriable??
OK, Cordelia. Grow-up time. Answer your own questions. You can do it, I know you can!
