Hello everyone..I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you a little bit about my experiences.
I'm 23, have been raised in the Truth all my life. When I was 18, I made a foolish decision to get married, something I knew deep down I wasn't ready for, still being very much in the 'bloom of youth'. I reluctantly saw my future as being one of Jehovahs Witnesses and with all my adolescent drives, I moved away from home to marry a man with about the same maturity as me. I did try to back out of the marriage 3 weeks before the wedding, tearfully telling my parents I was petrified and couldn't go through with it. I was convinced to go ahead with it after a bit of violence from my father and my mother's terror at losing face in the Kingdom Hall. After all, what self-respecting witness family wants a daughter who has backed out of a serious commitment, a promise. I was reminded that God viewed an engagement the same as He viewed marriage. Things predictably didn't go well and I eventually left my husband, met someone else and was disfellowshipped. All within a year. My family turned their backs on me, I was a long way from home and my depression was consuming me.
A year later, I was so desperately lonely, I contacted my parents and asked if I could come home. They agreed on the condition I was repentent and that I would work to get reinstated. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. I was treated like a leper for a year, going to meetings as they started and leaving just after the prayer so no-one would have to feel uncomfortable in my presence. I would go into the car park, sit in the car and cry for half an hour before my family returned. Even though we used to pick up my Gran every meeting and take her with us, she wouldn't speak to me until I was reinstated. It happened eventually, after a humiliating grilling from the judicial committee.
That was around 2 years ago and I have since left home and stopped attending meetings. I decided my own hypocrisy could continue no longer, my heart is not in the Truth and it never was. Now, many of my 'friends' and family don't speak to me if they can help it. I still have a relationship with my mother, father and brothers but that's it and I've found that my world is very small. I never fitted in with anyone while growing up in the Truth and I wasn't allowed to associate with any of the 'worldly' kids which has left me in a state where I can't make friends or feel comfortable around anyone. I never developed any social skills through the restrictions imposed on me and I've suffered from depression for around 4 years, it becoming more serious in the last year. In short, I've lost my youth. I'm terrified of people, I'm even nervous about writing this, being told you've never done a thing right takes its toll eventually.
I've seen the society treat people terribly, most recently my own brother. He was widowed 2 years ago nearly, left with a little girl of 18months at the age of only 26. He stopped going to the meetings shortly after she died and then met a woman who had left her husband through his violence and sexual perversions and they fell in love and married a few months ago. They've both been through hell and they helped each other through it all. They were threatened with disfellowshipping a week ago for their 'unlawful' marriage due to my sister-in-law not divorcing on the grounds of adultery. Apparently, mental torture, beatings, sexual violence and slave labour aren't grounds enough. They escaped with a public reproval, despite the fact that both of them haven't been going to meetings for almost 2 years. The husband of my new sister-in-law is still giving talks as a ministerial servant and the elders sit in the hall listening to him, knowing him to be a wife-beater and rapist. He's now courting again and his new girlfriend has no idea of his nature, nor will she ever as long as the elders are covering it up. Incidentally, my sister in law was abused by her father who was locked up for molesting his children but still remained a brother in the congregation and no reproach was ever brought upon him. His family, even the ones abused as children, protected his good name til the day he died.
I always believed I was the only one who felt there was something wrong about the Truth, no-one else would question anything and if I ever did, it was always satan talking. Blind faith is what I was expected to have, and to question was allowing the devil into your mind. The amount of times we were warned about the internet, the devils highway, the warnings we had about the lies we'd see on there, I now understand why.
I apologise for the rambling, like a lot of people here I'm sure, I have a lot to say about the society and how its affected me personally. Thanks for reading this and I look forward to getting to know you all :)