guys i really need your help

by Cordelia 99 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Balsam

  At some point you must live your own life quit trying to fit yourself into the JW mould if you really don't want to be there. My ex-husband said the same stuff to my two sons and he does shun them but as time goes no he is speaking with them some. He never mentions the religion though with them. My oldest son is expecting his first child this month and his JW Dad has been greatly interested in his grandchild. So it just depends on your Dad's perspective of how far shunning should go.

  Good luck on making a decision you can live with.

  Hugs, Balsam
• 

  Bryan

  I firmly believe living a truthful life is best life. You have to realize that they have their life to live and you have yours. It's sad, but if you don't want them to tell you how to live your life, how can you expect them to live their's the way you would like.

  I know the way the cult makes them behave is crazy - splitting up families and all - but be glad you have found your way out and that your children will not have to through what you are experiencing right now.

  Best wishes,

  Bryan

  Have You Seen My Mother
• 

  AuldSoul

  (((Cordelia))), sweety if you aren't true to yourself you will play false to everyone. Reassure your dad of your unconditional love for him. Express freely how much pain you are experiencing from knowing that his love for you is conditional on whether you are approved by Jehovah's Witnesses. Let him know that your door and heart is always open to him no matter what choices he makes with his life.

  Tell him that whether his door and heart are always open to you has to be his decision to make, and if he wants to use an organization's rules as his guide when it comes to who he can associate with that can't really be your fault and you can't carry guilt over his decision. Cry with him. Say goodbye, if he makes you.

  But whatever you do, you can't afford to carry guilt that isn't yours. It sounds like you have yet to make sure that the responsibility for strain on the relationship is placed where it belongs, on Organizational policy.

  AuldSoul
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  One fallacy to remove from your thinking processes is that there is a decision available to you that will not hurt. Anything you do at this point -- including nothing -- will hurt you in some way.

  So it isn't about "this will hurt, so I can't do this". It's about "Five years from now, how will I feel about this decision I'm making today?"

  If you drop the BF or lie about him, five years from now things will be exactly as bad as they are today. Your family will still be deluded about your status, you'll still be hiding.

  If you drop the meetings and all pretense of being a JW, your family will decide how they are going to handle it -- quite probably shunning you -- and you and your BF will decide how to proceed in your life. Five years from now, you'll be making your own decisions without looking over your shoulder.

  Looking five years down the road, Cordy, I think your decision should be crystal clear. But as others have pointed out, that's me -- not you.

  Good luck!

  Dave
• 

  funkyderek

  Cordelia:

  he was so hurt and is coming round at 7 tonight coz he said if i dont give my bf up for 6 months have no contact (so i can get reinstated) then he cant have anything to do with me and he is so hurt coz he thinks im so close to being reinstated,

  If you give up your boyfriend, it won't be for six months. It will be forever. Not only will you be ending that relationship, you will also be ruling out ever having a normal relationship again. Even if you do get reinstated, you will always be worried about getting disfellowshipped again, and being in the same position as you are now - except older and without a boyfriend.

  If you state that you no longer want to be a JW, it is then up to your father how to treat you. If you give in to his demands, what you are going through now will never end. Tell him you love him but that you have made your decision. If he decides to shun you, that is up to him. You are not responsible for how he behaves. I'm wary of suggesting this, but your father is using emotional blackmail on you, so if he does tell you that he's going to shun you, make sure your daughter is there so he can say goodbye to her. Make it clear that if he won't be a father to you, then he can't be a grandfather to her.

  There's no easy answer though. Whatever happens tonight, it seems likely that you will lose someone you care about. It will be very upsetting and traumatic, whatever you decide. Please make sure you have someone who can be with you afterwards, or at least someone you can call.

  Take care, and be strong.
• 

  vitty

  I have a feeling, I may be wrong but I dont think your parents could shunn you for long.

  They are desperate ppl, they love you loads. When your father comes round, you must tell him the truth. Tell him he can shun you, but you will not shun him and that you will continue to ring him once a week. He may crumble, youll have to take that chance !!!!
• 

  jgnat

  Loads of good advice here, I don't have to add much. From Almost Athiest,

  One fallacy to remove from your thinking processes is that there is a decision available to you that will not hurt. Anything you do at this point -- including nothing -- will hurt you in some way. So it isn't about "this will hurt, so I can't do this". It's about "Five years from now, how will I feel about this decision I'm making today?"

  And from Vitty,

  I have a feeling, I may be wrong but I dont think your parents could shunn you for long. They are desperate ppl,; they love you loads

  If I were you, Cordelia, I'd start following my gut and acknowledge that adorable boyfriend. Here's a tip for the meeting tonight with your dad. Try and get your dad to turn off the cult personality for a while. You can do this by reminiscing of good times together in the past. You could do this by gently saying, "Let's put the study materials away for a minute, dad, I want to spend some time remembering the good times between us" Relate some favorite family stories. Likely the both of you will cry, but this is a good cry. You are showing your tender self, and he is showing his tender self. Make him put aside the cult personality for a while and be human. It will be that much harder for him to resolve to shun you.
• 

  magoo

  but i honestly feel like im gonna have a breakdown if i live this double life anymore,

  unfortunately this is the dilema most of us have had to face. there are a lot of so called "good jDubs" that are living that "double life(dishonesty)". for the sake of your child, your bf & your own sanity do what you know is right (honesty).in time, maybe dad & mom will come to realize that they too have placed their faith in the wrong place(man made rules=wts).you cannot make someone love you, by deceipt& lies, as the bOrg does. eventually they see thru it!

  magoo
• 

  Cordelia

  Thanks so much everyone you have all made so much sense

  i am so nervous at seein my dad tonight i love him with all my heart and am alittle scared that he will talk me round you see he really believes i am so close to being reinstated and it will seem like these 8months have been for nothing,

  im going to tell him that my love is not conditional and that he is obeying a society which even if it is true i no longer want any part of!

  thing is he actuelly said to me before that i could make him compromise and that even my mum said she doesnt want to be in the new world without me but i dont want to destroy their faith it is their life!

  confused!
• 

  mrsjones5

  I dont think youre walking away from it will destroy their faith. It's seems you really want to please them but it's getting in the way of your life and what you believe. Sad as it is you have to make a choice. I think most of on this board have had to do the same thing and I for one can say that there is life afterwards. Your parents will be alright.

  Josie