WARNING: If you are suffering from suicidal ideation this may be VERY bad for you to read, or very therapeutic. I wrote it because I needed to write it, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to read it. Please use your own judgment.
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Empty feelings. The tears have stopped, they are useless, too. Who cares, anyway?
Comfortable, worthless feelings of complete and total uselessness, this is as it should be. How could you do it?
Length of garden hose? Check. Why don't you have a job, you're plenty smart enough! Duct tape? Check. Cored potato, in case the duct tape doesn't seal fully? Check. How can you even be thinking about this? You have a great wife, you love her!
Note to wife explaining how much I love her, apologizing for being such a waste, and telling her I hope she finds someone more capable and worthwhile with whom she can have babies? Check. You do love her...that is something isn't it?
Dress. Why bother? Smirk at that thought and go out into the night. Well then, you need to go back to the beginning. Put the stuff in the car, and drive. Where are you going? Tears come again, blurry, can't see the road. Oh, right...the beginning. Drive through the tears, they aren't particularly sad tears, they surely aren't happy...they are just tears. Emptying what little was left to empty. Dumping the trash. Smirk at that thought.
Where are you? At the beginning. At the public pool. Closed now, not used for years, fenced in, no one around for a half-mile. No one comes here. No one will find you for a while. Yeah, well, that's the point, isn't it? Don't you have reasons to live? None come to mind. My wife would be better off without me, my family already thinks I'm dead. Nah. Nothing to live for.
Do you have reasons to die? Smirk at that thought. Damned sarcastic irony, gets me every time. None comes to mind. Avoidance the pain to come, but I'm not the type to avoid pain. It would be nice to stop feeling, but nah, I'm not gonna wimp out. Nothing to die for. Minutes pass. Nothing to die for.
So, you can just exist for a while? Yeah, damnit. I can just exist for a while. A while longer. And I will keep doing that until I stop, because I have nothing to die for.
I had to get this out as a personal catharsis. I also think it is important for others to know, you aren't the only one. You're not even one in a thousand. We are struggling, we survivors. But we are survivors. Of physical, sexual, spiritual, or emotional abuse, but survivors just the same.
Thank you Big Tex and Lady Lee for being available the following day and for the wonderful advice and help you've both given. Thank you Marvin, Listener, gumby, SlayerLayer, and slacker911 for making yourselves available. You have conspired to keep me around longer than I would have been otherwise by being true friends in a time of great distress. There is a lot of pain to come, but with the meds I am on now I feel that I am up to the challenge.
Respectfully,
AuldSoul
