Growing up a gay Jehovah's Witness (My Life Story) (page 3)

m0nk3y

heheh thank you, you hit the nail right on the head.

I only aspire to be even half as beautiful as you Your picture is gorgeous.

Josh

Josh, your story brought back many memories. I, too, am gay and have known it ever since I can remember. When I turned 11 there was no doubt in my mind why I always knew that I was different. I also withdrew into myself to such an extent that I often couldn't respond if someone spoke to me. I couldn't make friends. My whole life was shame, guilt and fear that someone would find out. Also the guilt over masturbation was totally disabling. I vacation pioneered one summer as they called it in those days . Everytime I went to a door the thought went through my mind that I was an evil sinner and that Jehovah did even want me to be pioneering. I prayed and prayed but had the same experience you had. Jehavah just didn't seem to care. Still I tried to do the right thing. I was lucky enough to have someone to talk to that didn't condemn me, but the guilt never went away. I felt the need to continually confess that I was gay. If I quit masterbating for a week or two I'd start to feel even guiltier over being gay. There didn't seem to be any way I could win. I thought about the scripture that said 'If a righteous man is being saved dificulty how will a sinner make a showing?' I knew I was no good. When I got to be about 20 I did talk to the elders about being gay and about masturbation, and although they never told others in the congregation they weren't very helpful. They told me getting married would "cure" me. What a disaster. I really glad you didn't go through that.

After being married for several years and constantly talking to the elders about my problems I went to a psyciatrist and he prescriped anti-depressants. Although they helped I got to the point where I couldn't take it any longer and left my wife and the borg. I was 42 and that was eleven years ago. I don't think I'll ever heal from all the years of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm glad you left while you're still young. My life is much better now, but I think I'll be taking Prozac for the rest of my life.

I told my mother I was gay when I separated from my wife. She said: "Ever since you were just little I thought there was something wrong with you." When I left the borg she told me she'd never wanted to see or speak to me again.

I'm glad you're doing well and hope you're life continues to be happy. Thanks for sharing your pain. Chris

RAYZORBLADE

Monkey: that is and was, an incredible post.

I can/could relate to much of what you had written. It was something I knew, only too well with regards to dealing with 'my sexuality' and how it played itself out in the organization.

It wasn't easy: you knew that also.

Some people will chastize you, but I say: '$@ them' - you were even raised a JW. What does that tell the rest of the world?

I have to admit, your story gave me alot of insight, and also instilled within me, a great deal of compassion.

Thank you for your story, your strength and honesty.

Best wishes to you and your partner.

3 Cheers to Monkey

Cassiline

I felt that if I was redeemable in the slightest to Jehovah I had wrecked my chances of that by sinning so badly. I felt totally disgusting, I had no self worth. Many times I had thought out how I was going to kill myself.

Josh

I am so sorry so much pain was wrought in your life. You're statement above taken in just about any context when it comes to "sinning" in the org is heart wrenching to feel as you have it written.

The pain that so many JW children feel for the most minor infractions as you describe above it horrendous. It's a shame they as a group are so involved in our personal lives, to the extent we want to end the existance of the very thing they claim to want to protect, our soul.

You however expierenced more then your fair share when it came to telling them who you were and it pains me to see how much you did indeed expierence.

I am relieved to hear you are happy in your life today and in a healing phase.

Hugs

Cassi

nightwarrior

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

It took you alot to share this, and it is much appreciated.

When the time is right, I will relay something to you aswell. Something very similar.

All I know is that JWs have a lot to answer for, self righteous prigs.

We are still in the throws of dealing with it.

Many thanks and hugs

Mrs Nightwarrior

dottie

((((((((Josh)))))))))))

You have come a long way and as time passes things do get easier I have found. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your mother isn't what it once was, perhaps one day things will be back to how they were. It takes courage to tell your story, and I'm proud of you for sharing it and proud of you for being yourself

Many Hugs To You!!!

Dottie

tinman72

I only post about once a year, but i just chatted with you, Monkey, for about 2 hours, and you're a pretty cool cat (kitty?) Heh, heh. I just had to pop in and say it. Your post really has to make one think about how backwards that cult really is! I appreciate you taking the time to let me vent, Monkey. Thanks

Growing up a gay Jehovah's Witness (My Life Story)

m0nk3y

ChrisVance

RAYZORBLADE

Cassiline

nightwarrior

dottie

tinman72

SYN

m0nk3y

blackout

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