Let The Lambs Tell Us What They Need.

by Englishman 41 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  JenGill97

  FIGHT FOR ME

  Do everything in your power to ensure that no child is tortured in this manner again. I do call it torture. It is abuse, but it is torture for a child to have to endure sexual abuse then be told it wasn't a big deal or have the parents and the "church" ignore what happened. Pure TORTURE!

  DON'T EVER FORGET

  Remember those who have been brave enough to come forward and tell their story. We are few and far between. I have not told my whole story to you here on this board, but that is a healing process for me and slowly it will come out. I have no legal recourse and must simply deal with the fact that I was molested ( as well as several other family members ) and we can do nothing about it but sue him in civil court and since he has nothing it wouldn't do any good.

  Also, continue to give a place to vent safely. If there is a place, a safe haven, where we know we can come and find others like us, people we can talk to, then that is a "paradise" indeed.

  Just my two bits, but I needed to say it.

  Jen

  Edited by - jengill97 on 5 January 2003 15:38:34
• 

  Simon

  Good question Englishman

  I'd like to do more to help but don't always know if what I'm doing is the right thing or not.

  I imagine that people want to be able to talk about it if they want and have a safe place to do it but don't want to talk about it all the time and want to really just be accepted for who they are and not because of what happened to them. I've spoken to or corresponded with a few 'silentlambs' but really, this has never been the topic of conversation - they are friends like any other and I never think of them as victims or survivors.

  It's difficult for a forum to be all things to all people but one thing I am planning is to have a separate, private, member support area where people can disuss things in private (though still as a group) and we can have tighter rules there (ie. personal attacks / insults).

  However, this may not be what people actually want ... so if not, please tell me!
• 

  Billygoat

  Englishman,

  First of all, I want to thank you for asking this question. Fortunately, I am in a good position (today!) to reflect and answer without crying. But I just realized after re-reading my post that I didn't really answer some of the questions you posed, so I'd like to address them specifically:

  Does it help to talk about it?

  Sometimes. Sometimes not. Please be aware of those times I find courage to speak my heart. It's not easy to do so and again, I am doing it because I feel safe with you. Please also be aware of those times I cannot possibly discuss it without falling over the edge. It does take a gentle touch and a discernment on behalf of those wanting to help.

  Does it help to name and shame the abuser?

  For me it helped to name the abuser. It gave me a distancing between me and the situation that was necessary in order to move forward in the healing process. But it does nothing for me to shame him. He does not realize he's an abuser. And the most important of all...I love my abuser. When you shame him, it shames my love for him. Even though I am not proud of his actions, I am proud of my pure love for him. It is what Christ called me to do. (Please do not mistake this to mean I love the abuser's actions - loving the abuser does not mean loving his actions.)

  What don't the non-abused know, that you consider to be essential?

  Two things...

  1. The amount of pain this has caused our hearts and lives and the hearts and lives of those around us. Please don't think this is a periodic emotional issue we deal with once a year or whenever we see a Hallmark movie on abuse. The abusive situation has become a part of my very being like my big toe is a part of my body. It will never go away.

  2. The amount of courage it takes to face the pain. Facing my healing is more difficult than anything I've ever experienced in my life. More difficult than facing my abuser. Why? Because I've only seen my abuser twice in the last twelve years. I am with me every day. I am the one that holds the memories and guilt and shame. I live with ME every single day of my life.

  Andi
• 

  Englishman

  Jen,

  This is really really helpful, thank you, I'm sorry for what you went through.

  Simon,

  I think that we must continue to provide a voice for all abuse survivors. That's when they choose to speak, of course.

  Englishman.
• 

  waiting

  (((((((((((((Happily Married Billygoat))))))))))))))0

  Many fine posts here - as usual. How's it going, lil' bridie? Hopefully, snuggily!

  As for the lambs? Actually - speaking only for ME - I hate that term. I guess it's ok for kids, but kids don't post here. We are men & women - victims in various modes of survival. Notice I said "various modes?"

  We are as various in mental/emotional state as the jw victims/survivors. What makes it worse, we are victims of the WT and victims of our abusers. And too many of us went on to be victims of lousy marriages, lousy choices, etc....made because we weren't savvy to recovery issues.

  Ok.....one thing to remember when dealing with a sexual abuse victim/survivor is that shame is our close companion. People don't mean to sometimes....but they add to it, by their comments - and we're incredibly sensitive (overly) to comments.

  Why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you just hit him? Why didn't you just run away? Why didn't you tell anyone? Don't you think it's time to get on with your life? I would have NEVER done THAT!

  Most likely, ------- yes, you would have - and all those types of questions are judgemental, implying you are better than we were. But we ask ourselves all those damning & shame inducing questions too, and many more. Usually it takes a qualified therapist, a fine - non-judegemental confidant, reading for years, to slow the questions & deal with the shame.

  Like Billygoat said, there is sometimes love still there. Somewhat as when someone is livid with anger during a divorce......many times, there's still love too. The question is, how to deal with it?

  Even if we don't believe totally a victim/survivor's account....so what? Just how many people who post here get all their facts, figures, memories, structural accounts, all 100% correct ----- every single time we post? None of us.

  Some victims/survivors may have had crappy therapists. Just because they have a card printed, doesn't mean they're qualified. Even if they're qualifed - they can still be cruel and/or stupid. It's a fact - and it's abuse all over again.

  Some victims/survivors may have false memories, impartial memories, few solid memories at all. Most survivors accept that of each other. Outsiders don't. They seem to demand 100% accuracy and authenticity for a forum conversation. Like any other person has complete 100% recall of their entire lives.

  Some victims/survivors can also have panic attacks. They're hell on wheels, and not recognizable until in the grip of one - a true, livid rage incompacitating the body & mind. And attacks are usually triggered by a sound, a word, a smell. Something simple - a post having nothing to do with abuse. It's a fact of life to be aware of. Most of us are good about getting away from the source asap, sometimes we aren't. But it hurts like hell & causes more shame, because the panic is nearly uncontrollable, only endured.

  Posting here or on other forums is entirely different than going into court. There should be differences, imho. Court is war, posting with like people should not be warfare. lol - but sometimes it is,eh?

  Thanks for your thoughts y'all. Hard topic.

  waiting
• 

  RevMalk

  For me the healing comes from trying my best to help others. Even still, it's very difficult to know just what to do. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts and needs, and being all for everyone is a tough job, especially if you put your own needs aside. I suppose that need to help others for our own healing purposes can work out wonderfully. We can then help each other, and be there for each other, and most of all, be understanding to each other. At times we're an unstable group, and tempers flare and emotions run rampant, and so on, but all of us here are survivors of one abuse or another, and all we can do is lend a shoulder to cry on, and cry on someone else's when needed. Give each other a pat on the back for a job well done, or at least for trying our best in whatever our endeavors. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt when in doubt, and simple words of encouragement. That goes for all of us, the silent lambs are not the only ones here that have been abused, and we all need these things, maybe some just a bit more than others. Some need to go after the Watchtower, while some want to forget they exist. Others want to just 'heal', and being here to vent is enough. Others are finding lifelong friendships, and some are just passing through.

  You know, I've never actually thanked Simon for his efforts, though I've always meant to. What we have here, thanks to him and ang, is the largest organized group of ex-jws in the history of mankind. I'm not sure how many members are here, but some real good can be accomplished. Alot of good HAS been accomplished already, but as a group I can only imagine where we'll go in the future. This is a great question E-man, and perhaps we can broaden it sometime in the near future, perhaps a detailed poll or commentary section to see where everyone is at and where they'd like to be in 5 years. Their motives and their dreams, their fears and their concerns.
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  Big Tex

  For me having the ability to talk about what happened is important. For the most part, I've found the people here are pretty open minded and fair and so far no one has attacked or ridiculed me for relating what I went through. That may not sound like much, but the Witnesses did both, with a vengence. I agree with Billygoat's comments, and the only thing I could add is treat the person with common human decency. Many times all someone wants is the forum to open up and say what needs to be said.

  Recovery from abuse takes time and professional help. But I think what is so valuable about this forum is it gives people a place to just talk and sometimes it helps to just tell someone else what happened. Sometimes it helps to see or hear people's reactions to your story. I know in my case that was the thing that started to turn it around for me. Seeing and hearing people's reactions made me realize it was that bad. In a strange way that gave me confidence in myself; it sort of validated my reality if you will.

  Everyone is different and everyone's needs are different but I say just common courtesy is a big step.

  Peace,

  Chris
• 

  Lin

  I guess I feel much like RevMalk in that helping others has helped me too. Helping someone else by really being able to understand and empathize with their experiences, giving them a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, etc helps them and helps me too. Each of us heal in different ways and stages, and no one can be rushed or pushed. I think everyone here has been wonderful in allowing many of us "lambs" to say what we feel, what we've experienced, letting us vent or rage without fear of how others will react to our comments. Many of our stories are similar in some ways and in other ways they're so different, but they still happened to us. For me, being a "lamb" and having children who are "lambs" is a very difficult and heart-wrenching thing to deal with. Dealing with my own memories and pain, and then to also deal with those of two of my children sometimes causes me to want to scream out obscenities into the air. Yet at the same time, I find great personal comfort in helping others who've experienced much the same or similar things as I.
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  wednesday

  Just knowing we can tell our stories and not be riduculed or censored, and someone believes us now,this is what i need. I knew if this had happended ot me, there must be others.The left over feelings from all the various forms of abuse has left me feeling defective. It is good to have somewhere to go with people who can relate. it helps u feel a little more human.
• 

  Trauma_Hound

  This "lamb" is currently be censored by Bill Bowen.