Posts by nevaagain

41

I don't think I will be able to escape the JWs ...

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

i know i will get a lot of backslash on this forum for saying this, but as it looks like, i won't ever be able to escape the jws.

i have been a born in, third generation jw and awoken in one way or another (i joined this forum 15 years ago) for a very long time.

but i have adapted to the jw lifestyle to a point where it does not bother me anymore.

nevaagain

I know I will get a lot of backslash on this forum for saying this, but as it looks like, I won't ever be able to escape the JWs. I have been a born in, third generation JW and awoken in one way or another (I joined this forum 15 years ago) for a very long time. But I have adapted to the JW lifestyle to a point where it does not bother me anymore. I don't feel that I am losing anything and in some ways I might be leading a double life.

I don't mind not being able to celebrate birthdays. I have no problem eating food which others prepared for birthday though, which many witnesses have a problem with. Even as a "worldly" person, I don't think I would smoke, because of the cost and the health. So what I am trying to say is, I woulnd't live any different as a worldly person.

I don't have any special priviliges in the congregation (other than occasionally reading or delivering the microphones to the ones answering). I managed to keep my preaching to a minimum.

Going to meetings is not a big hassle for me anymore. For my work I have to dress in fancy clothes anyway, so I don't lose too much time with having to change for the meeting. Also I have not prepared for a meeting for ages. I see the meetings and the conventions as a place to socialize. During my meeting I using my tablet to surf around on the internet. So I made my peace with them.

If someone followed my threads then you would know that my JW wife cheated on me and left me some months ago. So many gave me the advice to either leave or at least fade from the witnesses. But I feel way too lonely to do that. I am 36 years old now and meeting new people at this age is getting harder and harder.

Right now I am even visiting new congregations and going to extra assemblies (skipping the part where the talks are and only going to the lunch break and the end) just to meet new people. If I am in a new city because of work, I try to make it to the local congregation.

Yep folks that right, I am trying to meet new girls. I seem to be able to handle JW girls fine. But worldly girls ... I feel I am not experienced enough to handle them and it is so damn easy to meet girls if you are a JW. You go to a new congregation or a an assembly and you can meet lots of girls there.

So I guess I will continue to live a lie ... because as a worldly person right now, I would feel lonely and with the JWs as "friends" I feel a little bit less lonely.

Maybe someone can relate ... I know most won't, but thats all right :-)

8

couples therapy

by zeb in

jw
friends

i have often wished i knew better words to give here when i see couples 'bleeding'.

1. avoid letting the children take over your lives.

although you need to love and care for your children in the very best ways that you can, it’s also important that they don’t dominate your entire relationship.. children are an important part of your relationship.

nevaagain

Thank you for the advice. "Communication is the key to a thriving relationship" I second that!
But why is it that one mate always has a problem with the listening or the communication part?

Also I could another thing to the list. Don't take and it personally and don't seek revenge on your partner. Sometimes our partner does something and unbeknownst to him it hurts us. Don't take it personally, maybe he didn't do it on purpose and also don't try to hurt the partner as well. Instead talk to your partner to find out what his/her motivation was.

A recently married JW couple told me a story that just recently had happaned and it sparked a heated argument between them. Husband says to his wife:"Is it okay if I go to this work event today, there is one colleague in particular which is only here once per week and I have to discuss some work related stuff with him as well. I know we have family worship planned, but maybe we could move it to tomorrow". Wife agrees but not whole heartedly. Husbands goes out and ignores the mixed signals. Wife sends angry messages to husband saying he is not a good husband because he ignores family worship. After the event ended, husbands comes home but wife is not home. Husband tries to call wife, but wife does not pick up the phone. Out of revenge the wife planned also a thing with friends and didn't tell the husband that she will be home even later that evening and didn't even want to tell the husband. So husband is worried now, what happaned to the wife.

So what happaned? Wife didn't want her husband to leave because she felt lonely, instead blamed family worship for it. Husband thought that if family worship is the problem, we can always move it to a different date. The wife didn't communicate her problem properly, maybe if she did, the husband would have stayed home or if the work event was so important, he could have done something so his wife would have felt less lonely at home.

I think most marrital problems only surface because of lack of communication.

That is the same reason my marriage collapsed.
Why is it so hard?!?!?!

15

convention rooming dept

by Darryl in

jw
friends

so this past weekend i took my girlfriend and my boys on a little weekend getaway.

we stayed in a hotel and early sunday morning i went out for some starbucks.

when i returned and called the elevator it arrived, the doors opened and inside waiting to come out was a nice lady with that all too familiar badge on her lapel.

nevaagain

Darryl not sure if someone can answer that question for you. I have never encountered or have never been offered a parking pass to buy. Either the convention side is owned by the society and probably has his own parking space which is free. Or the convention side is a stadium and for the good spots (under the stadium) you either have a have a special needs card to park there or your work at the convention demands that you have to have a parking spot near by. What we often were offered where tickets for public transit. But those were at the same price like if we would have bought them directly from the company.

15

convention rooming dept

by Darryl in

jw
friends

so this past weekend i took my girlfriend and my boys on a little weekend getaway.

we stayed in a hotel and early sunday morning i went out for some starbucks.

when i returned and called the elevator it arrived, the doors opened and inside waiting to come out was a nice lady with that all too familiar badge on her lapel.

nevaagain

The only reason that the society tells you to only book from those specific lists its because it will get free rooms for bethelite / governing body members, thats what I got told from an elder as the reason why we should always book only from the list and mention the convention, regardless if we find a cheaper price online.

19

Your opinion about dating sites?

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

i have been a jw all my life, while i also have a "spiritual divorce", which means i can remarry a jw again.

i am not sure if i want to go that route again and dating in the jw world feels like a struggle sometimes.

with all the rules.

nevaagain

Thats the issue here, in contrast to my screenname I am not really sure what I am going to do for the rest of my life. Stay in the JWdom or not. I picked my screenname 15 years ago and I am still in, so what does this say about me? (Rhetorical question ;-) Since JWdom is all I know, the "outside" worlds feels a little cold a the moment. But that might change, once I learn to know some new people.

They say that jw women outnumber available men, but a lot of these jw women are already married to unbelievers or are elderly where their jw husband already died. I am not too sure anymore if the jw women in a appropriate age for marriage really outnumber the available men.

As I said before, I still have a lot of questions and I need to find my place again and get over my marriage, so dating women (either jw or worldy) might help or even speed up the process so thats why I asked about dating sites and if anybody already had any success with it.

Just to try to explain my current mindset, I am very dissapointed with life in general because I thought that our marriage can last forever. I really thought that I had married my soul mate. Seeing that our marriage was basically a lie (how can somebody go from "I love you and I want to be with your forever" to "we shouldn't have married in the first place because we don't fit" in a matter of months?) for now I just want to determine my current "value".

19

Your opinion about dating sites?

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

i have been a jw all my life, while i also have a "spiritual divorce", which means i can remarry a jw again.

i am not sure if i want to go that route again and dating in the jw world feels like a struggle sometimes.

with all the rules.

nevaagain

I have been a JW all my life, and right now I am going through a terrible time, after my wife left me some weeks ago. While I also have a "spiritual divorce", which means I can remarry a JW again. I am not sure if I want to go that route again and dating in the JW world feels like a struggle sometimes. With all the rules. Going out alone for a coffee is a nono, going out in service alone is encouraged.

I am now ten years older from the last time I was dating so this will make the available fish in the pond even smaller. I thought about texting some female unmarried friends which I still had when I was single which I also found attractive, but it is so akward because they only knew me later with my wife on the side. The JW world feels so small sometimes ...

A JW friends of mine who was disfellowshiped for a year and used a dating site to hook up with women. I am not sure if jumping into the bed with someone will help in any way plus I still have the JW mind set, but going out on a date or two won't hurt.

So what do you think? Have you used dating sites before? Where they helpful? Or should I stay away of them?

10

Still trying to cope with my new situation (wife woke up, cheated and left)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

as you probably might know already, i already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.. to make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave.

this was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there.

the next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.. as a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together.

nevaagain

Thank you all for the encouraging words!

OnTheWayOut: It sounds plausible what you say. It is just ... I was still the same person, cult wise or not. Thats why it came to a surprise to me, that her personality changed. Or probably it didnt change it was surpressed by the cult. It would have come out one way or not. Anyhow, could you elaborate on the "quicker way" to "move on"?

10

Still trying to cope with my new situation (wife woke up, cheated and left)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

as you probably might know already, i already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.. to make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave.

this was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there.

the next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.. as a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together.

nevaagain

As you probably might know already, I already posted some lengthy posts about my situation,
here: part 1 and here: part 2 is here.

To make it short, four weeks ago, my wife confessed that she cheated on me and immediately went upstairs to pack and to leave. This was planned from beforehand because she already managed for an apartment in a different city and a job there. The next day she sent an email to the elders out confessing of her wrong doings and wishing to get disassociated.

As a reason why she left, she told me, that we should have never married, because we don't fit together. The truth was the only thing that bonded us together and after that was gone, there was nothing left. Funny thing is, couple of months ago when everything was still fine, she told me how good of a couple that we are and how good we fit together. Also everybody who knew us said that we were a perfect fit for each other. Anyway she was always guided by her emotions and her emotions probably told her, escape your marriage and find a new partner.

Now its been 4 weeks and I am still trying to cope with the situation. Keeping myself busy and going to work helps, the hardest part is, driving back home from whereever I used to be knowing that nobody is home waiting for you. That you will wake up the next day and still there will be nobody to talk to. I loved my wife a lot and would have never imagined that outcome. Our 8 years of marriage have not been easy, but the last 3 years looked like we finally managed it.

Before the announcement of her dissociation the elders tried to talk to her, she made me responsible for leaving. She told me, it was me who showed apostate sites to her and she gave me all the blame for losing her faith. She not only told that to the elders but to everybody who contacted her before the dissociation announcement.

I am not ready to leave the truth, I originally wanted to leave with my wife. But she had other plans, I guess I was only good enough for the truth. When she woke up, she wanted a different life, without her marriage mate. Which means, she probably didn't love me to begin with. The conclusion for me is, probably it is better that way.

The funny thing is, I haven't showed her any apostate sites for quite some time now, I think it was two years ago when I showed her something and after this we had the occassional talk. But she made it clear, that I am free to go but she would remain in. Thats why it came to me as a surprise that she woke up behind my back. My theory is, that she was somehow unhappy and wanted out of the marriage and saying that I showed her apostate sites sounded like a good excuse. It wouldn't surprise me if she would come back after a while after she experienced her freedom. She had told me very often, that she married too young and that she should have experienced her freedom longer.

Anyway, of course the elders already talked to me about the apostate websites. This caught me offguard at the beginning, as I said, I am still not ready to leave. So I needed to say something plausible to them. I thought about saying that it is all lies from my wife. Anyway I didn't say that, there was this story one year ago when our CO came for a visit with a second couple and we invited them for lunch and the other couple brought up the australian commission and the pedophiles and even the COs wife weighted in saying she knows a case in almost any congregation.

So I told the elders, that after that topic came up with the CO, I researched that topic on the internet and it also showed it to my wife. Telling them I was only on news sites and I added: "I don't know if my wife made further research on apostate sites".

So far the elders left me alone. This is also the same story I tell everyone who was contacted by my wife spreading that it was me who showed her apostate websites and thats why she left me and the truth.

In the last 4 weeks I have been only to two meetings. I will use that what happaned to me as an excuse to fade. I already hinted to the elders at the possibility that I might go to a different congregation. The brothers are still on love bombing mode trying to encourage me and even inviting me to their homes. I have declined most invitations saying that I am not ready yet, but the truth is, I don't really want with brothers from my congregation right now. I want to be with friends, who are not with me because they are sorry for me, but because they are friends.

So year, sorry for the lengthy post again, but I just wanted to get the words out of my system :-)

20

My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage.

from one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.. i still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.. the thread i made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

after learning about ttatt my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth.

nevaagain

Thank you all for your kind words! I appreciate them! I already feel much better than yesterday and even better than the days before. Tomorrow I am going to go on a short vacation and visit a friend for a couple of days.

20

My life has ended (be careful what you wish for part 2)

by nevaagain in

jw
friends

noone and nothing can really prepare you for the burning pain you feel when your spouse leaves you after 8 years of marriage.

from one day to another, all your dreams, hopes and plans are shattered.. i still have so many questions which will remain unanswered in eternity.. the thread i made a few weeks ago, is part of this story.

after learning about ttatt my plans involved to wake up my wife as well and exit the truth.

nevaagain

@KateWild, thank you for your encouraging words appreciate it

@eyeuse2badub, I am not saying I didn't fall in love with someone else during my marriage, but I quickly dismissed those thoughts and feelings and tried to work more in my marriage. I am not saying that "marriage is forever" but how can someone say 7,5 years into the marriage that "you are my perfect soul mate, I want to grow old with you" and half a year later, "we don't fit, we should have never married"?

Also that "marriage is forever" thinking does not only apply to jws, I know many worldly people who have a high standard of marriage.